Bob Payne is the creator of the travel humor site BobCarriesOn.com. He is also an award-winning travel writer and a former Contributing Editor at Conde Nast Traveler magazine, where he believes he remains the only writer ever allowed to put the cost of a Polynesian tattoo on his expense report. He is the author of a 142-country memoir, Escape Clauses: Getting away with a travel writing life.
When speaking about the Louvre, it is considered bad manners to mention that only 5,000 of the 380,000 works in its collection were created by French artists.
The three works visitors to the Louvre are most willing to wait in line for are the Mona Lisa, the Venus de Milo, and the Mont-Blanc pastry served at the Café Richelieu Angelina, on the museum’s first floor.
Most art critics agree that the giant glass pyramid standing at the main entrance to the Louvre was not built by ancient Egyptians.
The Louvre has two information desks, where attendants will happily direct you to the on-site Starbucks.
No one thinks of the Louvre as being in a particularly rough part of town, but it is true that since 1911, the Mona Lisa, which is displayed behind bulletproof glass, has been stolen once and vandalized five times, including by a man who smeared it with a cream cake.
When asking a Paris taxi driver for a ride to the Louvre, make it clear before they turn on the meter that you do not mean the branch that’s in Abu Dhabi, on the Arabian Peninsula.
Be suspicious of anyone standing outside the Louvre who attempts to sell you a painting of the Mona Lisa in the nude, as it is probably of Kim Kardashian.
BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne knew his painting of the Mona Lisa was a fake when he discovered that it was signed by Kanye West. Payne is the author of the 142-country travel memoir Escape Clauses – Getting Away With a Travel Writing Life
Ireland is an island divided politically into two parts: the independent Republic of Ireland, which is consistently ranked as having one of the world’s highest gross national incomes per capita, and British-ruled Northern Island, which is best known by many as home to the television comedy Derry Girls.
If you are going to Ireland for the first time and have decided to read James Joyce’s Ulysses as part of your trip planning, first make sure that you can cancel your airfare without penalty.
Blarney Castle, near Cork, in the south of Ireland, is not only the site of the blarney stone, which, by kissing it bestows upon you, according to legend, the gift of gab, but also has a castle garden populated by deadly poisonous plants. When visiting, it is highly recommended not to confuse the two.
Housed in the library of Dublin’s Trinity College, the Book of Kells is a 9th-century illuminated manuscript whose stature as a sacred volume is surpassed in Ireland only by that of the Guinness Book of Records.
For reasons that remain a mystery, the citizens of Belfast, in Northern Ireland, continue to take great pride in the fact that a shipyard once standing at its harborside was responsible for building the Titanic.
If someone in Ireland invites you to a party at their home, and you get the date wrong and arrive a day late, and no other guests are there, you can assume it wasn’t much of a party to begin with.
When traveling in Ireland, it is not uncommon to come across little old men who are dressed in green and clinging to a pot of gold. These are usually investment bankers working for a foreign firm that has established an Irish branch for tax purposes.
Travel humor writer Bob Payne is known throughout Ireland for his number of failed attempts at trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records. He is the author of the 142-country memoir, Escape Clauses – Getting Away With a Travel Writing life, which is available at Amazon.com.
With the approach of the 2024 presidential elections, really great walls may once again take on an increasing role in the plans of many people traveling to and from the U.S. But as the examples below illustrate, really great walls have long been a part of the travel experience.
BigStock/Severin.stalder Photo
The Really Great Wall of China
Stretching for some 5,500 miles, the remains of the Really Great Wall of China is an early example of how a massive barrier, many feet thick and even more high, is about as effective at keeping people on one side or the other as a stern lecture from a vice-principal is at keeping high school boys from spiking the punch at a homecoming dance.
The problem is that even at its staunchest, the Really Great Wall of China had some 1,387 miles of gaps so porous that they are believed to have been responsible for the enormous success of Chinese takeout. No doubt the gaps were responsible, too, for the rise of such popular ice cream flavors as “Mongol Madness.”
The Really Great Wall of China was most successful as a massive infrastructure project. At its height, wall construction put millions of Chinese to work, whether they wished to be or not. Cost overruns were a problem though, largely because developers had not yet mastered working with such building materials as concrete and the excrement of bulls.
Today, the most visited part of the wall, because of its easy access to Beijing, is the Badaling section. According to many online reviews, though, after fighting the crowds and hassling with taxi drivers, visitors often come away feeling that it ought to be called the Just Ok Wall of China.
BigStock/Hanohki Photo
The Really Great Berlin Wall
From 1961 through 1989 the story surrounding the Great Berlin Wall was, according to leaders of the East German government, the biggest example of fake news ever reported.
With photos to back up their claim, East German leaders insisted that the Really Great Berlin Wall had in no way been a barrier to keep East Berlin citizens from escaping to the West. Instead, they said, the 27-mile long, 11.8-foot high concrete structure had been a really great example — probably one of the greatest examples ever – of government support of the arts.
The extent to which the Berlin government was willing to encourage artistic expression was made evident, officials said, by the 20 bunkers, 302 guard towers, and uncounted other measures erected to safeguard the artists against interference by fascist and other anti-socialist Western elements.
The Really Great Berlin Wall was demolished in 1990. But commemorative pieces are still for sale. In fact, some 3.6 tons of the original 2.5 tons of concrete used in the construction can currently be purchased on e-Bay.
John Tenniel Illustration
Humpty Dumpty’s Really Great Wall
Although parts of Humpty Dumpty’s Really Great Wall may still exist, the inspiration for the classic English nursery rhyme is a matter of dispute.
In Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There, Humpty is depicted as an egg. Or — a reader could infer — someone with an ego as fragile as an egg.
In other interpretations, the clearly wobbly character has been a stand-in for any number of kings and other powerful public figures who, because of their overreach, end up taking such a great fall that not even all their horses and all their political advisors can put them together again.
There’s even an interpretation that holds wide sway, especially among pro-growth supporters, that Humpty Dumpty was a cannon that sat atop the wall surrounding the town of Colchester, England, during the English Civil War of 1642-51. Part of the wall still exists, but the story is that return fire from opposing forces so undermined its structural integrity that without sufficient infrastructure funding most of it eventually came tumbling down.
BigStock/Chris Cintron Photo
The Really Great Wall Street
Among Americans who don’t get their news from traditional outlets, Wall Street is perhaps best known for its history of standing up to occupiers and other foreigners.
What many people don’t know, however, is that Wall Street is actually named after a really great wall, one built to keep out pirates, Native Americans, non-European Union members, and, according to some sources, radical Islamic terrorists.
The original wall was a wooden palisade built at the south end of Manhattan by the Dutch in the 1600s. Fortunately for much of America’s current population, it did not serve as a barrier for immigrants of British stock, who were able to get visa waivers.
Wiki.southark.cc.com Illustration
The Really Great Wall-Mart
Wall-Mart is a really great American-owned retail store featured in an episode of the public affairs program South Park. The episode looks at what could happen in America if addiction treatment is not part of basic health care coverage.
The premise of the episode is that almost everyone in a futuristic version of South Park is so addicted to Wall-Mart’s bargain prices that they stop shopping at other South Park businesses, and the town falls into ruins. It becomes such an untenable place to live that a growing number of people dream of finding a better life to the north, if they can only make it beyond the newly constructed Great Wall of Canada.
Travel humor writer Bob Payne has a piece of the Berlin Wall that he will sell for the right price.
One of the great mysteries about the Statue of Liberty is why, when the United States Post Office created a Statue of Liberty Forever Stamp on December 1, 2010, it took until March 2011 before somebody noticed that the model used for the stamp, of which 10.5 billion were printed, was of an inexact replica that stands outside the New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Enough souvenir Statue of Liberty foam crowns are sold each day to fill an entire landfill site, and often does.
It has been determined, by some guys in New Jersey, that as scrap metal the Statue of Liberty would be worth about $230,000.
The statue of liberty is 111 feet tall. Comparing her proportions to those of professional baseball’s current record holder for the longest home run (505 feet), she could theoretically hit a baseball 9,342 feet, which means the Yankees still wouldn’t hire her, because she is a woman.
The 1883 poem whose lines run, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” is meant to depict the Statue of Liberty, to a greater or lesser degree, depending on which national political party is in power, as a symbol of hope and optimism.
The tablet the Statue of Liberty is holding is inscribed in Roman numerals with the date of American Independence, July IV MDCCLXXVI, which amazes many visitors, who wonder how the ancient Romans could have known so far in advance.
Many New Yorker’s claim that because they have no desire to stand in line with the huddled masses they have never visited the Statue of Liberty.
Have you ever discovered, as the flight attendants are checking seatbelts one last time before departure, that you will be spending the next five hours sitting next to someone who is convinced you want to know how a barometer works? Don’t complain. Here are a few travel companions who have proven far more annoying.
Hannibal — Laid-back pets can ease a traveler’s anxieties. But an emotional support elephant?
Timothy Leary — Only wants to travel in the high season.
Christopher Columbus — Terrible sense of direction.
DB Cooper — Always trying to skip out on the tab.
Santa Claus — A Jolly companion, but insists on pushing through the night, even if it’s foggy out.
Ancient Mariner — Once, no horizon was too far, but now he is only interested in the distance to the next restroom.
Dorothy — Just because you are not in Kansas anymore is no reason to act like a college student on spring break.
Huckleberry Finn — For the length of the Mississippi, he talks about how next time he is doing it on a cruise ship.
Captain Kirk — If you insist on somebody beaming you up at the first sign of discomfort, you are not a traveler but a tourist.
Johnny Cash — Maybe you’ve been everywhere, man. But checking Reno, Chicago, Fargo, and Wichita off your bucket list is not how you get to know places.
Marco Polo — Travels all the way to China and learns nothing except for a game that kids play in the swimming pool.
Peter Minuet — It’s bad enough to brag about driving a hard bargain with starving souvenir sellers. But $24 for Manhattan is criminal.
Jack Kerouac — After days of riding across America with the author of On the Road, a young wanderer of the 1950’s might be forgiven for lamenting that it was not yet possible to call for an Uber.
Robinson Crusoe — He talks on and on about adventures with his companion, Friday. But in truth he is only a weekend traveler.
Sir Edmund Hillary — You’d think that at least once in a while he’d make base camp at a beach resort.
Freddy Kruger — If only he just wouldn’t compare everywhere in the world to Elm Street.
Travel humor writer Bob Payne travels only with imaginary friends.
At 29,035 feet, Mount Everest consistently ranks as the world’s top tourist attraction.
Except during the April and May climbing season, when the line at the Starbucks on the way to the base camp often winds out the door, crowds are seldom a problem at Mount Everest. And to escape them even in season it is often necessary only to climb above 26,000 feet, into what is helpfully described as the Death Zone.
Spring and Fall are the most popular times to visit, but in November through February cooling breezes of up to 200 mph make Mount Everest an offseason-delight for all who can manage to hold on.
No matter the season, inexpensive parking is always available, as is accommodation. Although the best of the accommodation, with some of the most awesome rooms-with-a-view on the planet, requires hanging tethered to a sheer rock face. Nor is this accommodation recommended for older men who need to get up frequently during the night.”
Local sites of interest include the last resting places, or assumed last resting places, of the more than 200 deceased climbers whose bodies remain on the mountain.
The most common hazard when climbing Mount Everest is to slip on the excrement of other hikers, which will all too often result in a tumble off the mountain via what might be called a poop chute.
For visitors looking for activities other than climbing, wildlife viewing includes up to ten species of ants and the occasional yak, the latter best admired from the uphill side.
For a suitable tip, the locals on Mount Everest are often happy to help you get all the way to the top, and, for an even more suitable tip, back down again.
Travel humor writer Bob Payne is an enthusiastic social climber.
