Bob Payne - BobCarriesOn

February 19, 2013March 14, 2013

Cruise passenger names top ten needed improvements following ship mishap

Carnival Cruise Ship Passengers Satisfaction Survey

In order for us to give you the best vacation experience possible, we’d like to know what you thought of your recent cruise. Please fill in the survey, which will make you eligible for a cruise for two, assuming we have not ceased operations by then as a result of pending lawsuits.

Ship Name: Triumph

Itinerary: Mexican Riviera

Dates: February 7-14, 2013

Would you recommend this cruise to others?

Yes, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Are there any ship’s facilities you’d like to see improved?

I’d like to have running water for the entire trip, but not running down the cabin walls, especially if it is overflow from the bathroom of the cabin above me.

How would you best describe your accommodations?

When I specify I’d like an outside cabin, I do not mean I want to sleep on deck.

What would you most like to find on your pillow in the evening?

On Carnival, a bible.

What was your favorite port of call and why?

Mobile, Alabama. Even at 3 a.m. 7-11’s are open.

What was your favorite shore excursion?

The Mobile to New Orleans bus ride, which I can now check off my bucket list.

How can we improve our shore excursions?

By offering helicopter evacuation

What shipboard entertainment did you enjoy most?

Watching people trying to spell out HELP by lying on the deck; although to make it go more smoothly in the future I’d suggest using dead bodies.

Overall, how would you describe your cruise experience?

About as much fun as defecating into a black plastic bag.*

If you had one lingering complaint about your cruise, what would it be?

The price of drinks.

*In fairness, I should add that as a dog lover from a city with strict “scoop” laws I am in principle not opposed to using a plastic bag to dispose of my own bodily waste. I do wish, however, that the bags had been of a more durable quality, and that they tied with a drawstring, as the better ones do.

Bigstock photo

February 15, 2013

As asteroid nears, Mayans now claim they meant world would end today

Preceded by a booming celestial fireball that injured hundreds of people in Russia earlier today, the approach of an asteroid scheduled to be at its closest point to earth this afternoon was really the event they had in mind when they claimed the end of the world was near, the Mayans now claim.

“That December 21st thing was just a Beta test to see what kind of numbers we could get,” said Bob Payne, spokesman for Mayans for Monetization Through Social Media.

Payne said the tests went well enough that the Mayan descendants organization is ready to take full responsibility for the havoc about to be wreaked on the planet unless a sufficiently large deposit is made immmediately to a special bank account they have set up — and new calendars can be printed in time.

Scientists have said the Mayan prediction is once again entirely false, to which Payne responded, “Did you see the video of the fireball this morning?”

This afternoon’s asteroid, 2012DA14, is predicted to pass closer to earth than any other sizable body every recorded.

“But there is no connection between this morning’s event and this afternoon’s; it is a cosmic coincidence,” a spokesman for the European Space Agency said.

To which much of the world has responded, “How do you make a deposit to that special account?”

January 25, 2013

UNESCO names Wi-Fi hot spot as World Heritage Site

In a move many have said was long overdue, UNESCO named its first Wi-Fi hotspot as a World Heritage Site.

The honor goes to the Terminal 3 Food Court at San Francisco International Airport, which began offering wireless service in 2003, and a breakfast burrito/Wi-Fi combo special in 2004.

“Even in those long-ago days, there were other, earlier, Wi-Fi adapters, but the San Francisco Airport Food Court, because of its California location, is considered to be the most at risk from physical and fiscal hazards,” said UNESCO spokesperson and travel humor writer Bob Payne.

“Besides, our field researchers have found that the food court burrito is really something to Tweet home about,” Payne said.

The addition of the Terminal 3 Food Court to UNESCO’s list of 962 sites of physical or cultural significance around the world is an acknowledgement by the U.N. organization that the sites, in the words of some critics, consisted of “too many piles of old rocks.”

In light of that criticism, current candidates for the list, Payne said, include the original Starbucks, the set for Downton Abbby, and Donald Trump’s hairpiece.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne recently finished evaluating 1,786 Wi-Fi Hotspot locations for UNESCO.

BigStock photo.

January 23, 2013January 23, 2013

Boeing considers renting out grounded Dreamliners for birthday parties

To help recoup losses resulting from the grounding of its fleet of 787 Dreamliners, Boeing is considering renting out the stricken aircraft for birthday parties.

“Talk about a birthday wish come true; imagine being able to experience the world’s most sophisticated aircraft without having to worry about some new problem cropping up at 30,000 feet,” said travel humor writer Bob Payne, Boeing’s newly-appointed Vice President for On-Ground Events.

Payne said the great appeal of the “Birthday Boeing’s,” as the company’s marketing department is now calling them, is that because they can’t leave the ground they are technically not aircraft, meaning none of the usual restrictions apply.

“If you want to sit in the cockpit or spend the entire party in the lavatory, go right ahead; it’s your birthday,” Payne said.

Likewise, there are no limitations on what passengers may carry on, so it’s no problem if presents include liquids, knives, garden tools, or incendiary devices.

The only thing Boeing asks, Payne said, is that for all electronics gifts, batteries not be included.

The parties are suitable for up to 290 guests. A birthday cake is included, but pizza is extra for all guests sitting in coach. The pizza is served by the aircraft’s real cabin crew, who are happy to have the work, or, optionally, a team of Boeing executives dressed in clown suits.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne recently got a good deal on his own 787, which he plans to convert to a single-lane bowling alley.

January 20, 2013February 17, 2013

Pet cats traveling in amphibious DeLorean name top six travel destinations

If your pet cat were riding in an amphibious version of a DeLorean automobile, what are the top six travel destinations it would prefer to visit?

That’s the question travel humor writer Bob Payne came away with after listening to Grant Martin, editor of the travel blog Gadling, speak to an audience of travel media professionals this week at the New York Times Travel Show.

Martin used the examples of cats and the unusual car as images that worked well at catching reader interest. “But it’s not something you can normally use for a travel blog,” he said.

But Payne, who is Editor in Chief and Pet Cat Travel Columnist for the travel blog BobCarriesOn.com, thought differently.

“I could not see if the amphibious DeLorean that Martin put on the screen had a cat riding in it, as I was way in the back of the room, having arrived late after walking the distance you would expect to from a $12 per day parking garage in New York City,” Payne said. “But it seemed to me that if there weren’t a cat riding in the DeLorean, then there ought to be, and that it would make a good travel story, especially for readers who typically rely on their pet cats for travel advice.”

So following the talk, Payne contacted some of the thousands of pet cats who are regular readers of BobCarriesOn.com and asked what travel destination they would like to visit if riding in an amphibious DeLorean — which is a real, although one of a kind, car built by someone from, not surprisingly, San Francisco.

Here are the pet cats’ top six choices:

Cat Island, Bahamas

Once thought to be the island where Christopher Columbus first landed in the new world, Cat Island is now best known as the site of Mount Alvernia (207 feet), the highest point in the Bahamas. It is easily climbed, even in an amphibious DeLorean, and is an excellent vantage point from which to keep an eye out for Bahamian curly-tailed lizards.

Ninety-Mile Beach, Australia

For pet cats who have had to endure the indignity of a cat box, this ninety-mile stretch of pure white sand is kitty litter heaven. And if you have an eye-catching car, like an amphibious DeLorean, it is a perfect place to cruise for chicks, and fledglings, and hatchlings.

Perdido Key, Florida

This sandy strand along the Florida Panhandle is small enough so that if a cat has a fast car, such as an amphibious DeLorean, the endemic Perdido Key beach mouse, whose endangered status has been vastly overstated, should be easy to pounce upon.

Pigeon Cove, Massachusetts

There’s nothing quite as soul satisfying for a pet cat as cruising along this New England shoreline in an amphibious DeLorean in the Fall, especially if the pigeons have grown tired of guarding their nests.

Catalina Island, California

Anyone can take the ferry, but the classic way to arrive at this refuge from the dog-eat-dog world of the Southern California mainland is in your own private transport, such as an amphibious DeLorean. There’s plenty to do, but don’t be mislead into visiting The Sandbox, which sells clothes for small humans.

Cataract Falls, Indiana

Not the highest waterfall in Indiana, but for pet cats who are adventure junkies it’s a real thrill to plunge over this cascade in an amphibious DeLorean, a thrill only heightened by the knowledge that ownership of the car cannot be traced back to you.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne owns the franchise to sell amphibious DeLoreans in Indiana, excluding Indianapolis.

January 16, 2013

If it had been you with the shotgun, would travel humor writer Bob Payne have survived this Philippines shopping excursion?

Never in his life had travel humor writer Bob Payne been so frightened by someone trying to please him as he was by the saleswoman in the men’s clothing department of a crowded store in Cebu City, on the island of Cebu, in the Philippines.

Payne was trying on a pair of blue jeans, which he needed because he’d somehow neglected to bring any from home for a journey that virtually required them.

The Philippines is a nation of some 7,100 islands, of which the two largest, Luzon, where Manila is located, in the north, and Mindanao, the Muslim stronghold, in the south, account for 65 percent of the land mass and 60 percent of the population. But Payne was planning to ignore these two and instead focus his visit on the Visayas, the centrally-located myriad of palm fringed, mountainous islands and islets connected by a network of passenger vessels that promised, as one guidebook put it, to “suit only those prepared to rough it.”

To help in Payne’s preparations for roughing it, the smiling saleswoman had suggested a locally made brand of jeans called Canadian Club. Payne was trying them on in one of the store’s curtained cubicles, and they fit fine, except for one small problem.

The hole for the button that allowed one to button one’s fly was sewn shut. Payne tried to explain this to the saleswoman, who had followed him to the cubicle and was standing outside repeating “You like? You like? You buy? OK?” But Payne’s explanation didn’t seem to be getting through. So, perhaps sensing from his tone of voice that a sale was possibly slipping away, the woman ripped open the curtain to see for herself what the matter was.

“Oh, OK. No problem. I fix,” she said, her smile becoming even broader. And with that she whipped a razor blade out of a side pocket of her blouse, went down on her knees, and grabbed hold of Payne’s pants just above the missing fly hole. Payne, it is important to note, was still wearing the pants.

“No, no,” Payne yelled, and was immediately sorry he had. Among the people who came running toward the agitated foreigner with a Filipina woman down on her knees in front of him was a store guard fumbling with a pump-action shotgun.

Luckily, the guard, perhaps sensitive to the criticism leveled against one of his counterparts for annihilating a shoplifter a few days previously, did not shoot. In fact, once the situation had been explained, he was in the forefront of people rummaging through the stack of Canadian Club jeans looking for a pair in Payne’s size that didn’t have the fly sewn shut. And he was pleased mightily when it was he who discovered one.

This first appeared, in a slightly altered form, as the introduction to “Where the smiles are magic,” in the November/December 1996 issue of Islands magazine. Although he has always kept an eye out, travel humor writer Bob Payne has never again seen a pair of Canadian Club jeans.

BigStock photo.