Bob Payne - BobCarriesOn

January 14, 2013January 21, 2013

Startling revelation from Australia. What designer really meant Sydney Opera House to look like.

In news that has rocked Australia, it was revealed today that the architect of the famed Sydney Opera House designed the iconic structure to look like a school of great white sharks about to chomp down on their victims, and that only by carefully controlling the angle of all photos released have government officials, for 40 years, been able to fool the public into thinking it was meant to represent a fleet of sails on Sydney Harbour.

“The designer, Jorn Utzon, was Danish, he was irritated by critics who wanted the structure to be the work of an Australian, and he saw a way to exact revenge that no one would notice until it was too late,” said Bob Payne, Arts and Architecture Correspondent for the travel humor website bobcarrieson.com.

Utzon’s plan was that the image of sharks would make tourists think twice about visiting Australia, and consider a vacation to Denmark instead.

“The government coverup thwarted the plan, but it probably would not have worked anyway, because the kind of person an Australian vacation often appeals to – athletic, beach-loving, maybe-try-a-little surfing types – would typically rather face a great white shark than the prospect of vacationing in Northern Europe,” Payne said.

With the secret out, teams of public relations professionals have been working on campaigns to mitigate the damage. So far, the campaign showing the most promise is to turn the great white shark image into a friendly mascot by painting it with a toothy smile and naming it Sydney.

In other tourism news from Australia, officials there, in an effort to reposition the image of another tourism icon, are considering changing the name of the Great Barrier Reef to the Great Welcoming Reef.

“It should help with the visitor numbers, at least until we get past this Sydney Opera House thing,” one tourism official said.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne has been offered a great white shark mascot of his own by the Tourism Australia marketing team.

BigStock photo.

January 10, 2013

Airlines mull adding duct tape to amenities kits

A recent incident involving an unruly man who was duct taped to his seat by fellow air passengers has rekindled the ongoing argument over whether airlines should include duct tape in business and first class amenities kits.

“Considering the many other uses passengers already find for duct tape on board, offering it in the kits is clearly a cost-efficient means of getting our most valuable customers to stick with us,” said Bob Payne, chairman of the Airline Industry Duct Tape Advisory Panel.

Payne said duct tape has long been known for its usefulness in substituting for belts and other accessories passengers may have forgotten at security, taping infants to the bulkheads during takeoff and landing, and repairing cracks in wings and tail sections.

“When a wing comes loose, we all know from experience that there’s nothing you’d rather have in your hand, with the possible exception of a parachute rip cord, than a fresh roll of duct tape,” Payne said.

Security officials note that this latest application is especially welcome because the opportunity for group response has allowed passengers to go from fearing there might be someone on board who needs to be subdued to looking forward to it.

Critics argue, though, that having quantities of duct tape freely available can lead to the kind of abuse that happens all too often when, for instance, a passenger tapes shut the mouth of an adult or child seat mate simply because of differing political views. It’s the kind of thing, they say, that can make the dispensing of the amenities kits a constitutional issue.

There is also the question of offering a safety enhancement that is not equally accessible to all on board. Industry observers, however, see that as a relatively minor issue, and one readily addressed by making the tape available to coach passengers for $25 for the first roll and $35 for each additional roll.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne recently used duct tape to re-attach the tail to his neighbor’s cat.

Bigstock photo.

January 6, 2013

First class passengers surprised to learn people are unhappy with flying

A new study published this week by The Entitled Flyer magazine finds that first class passengers are largely unaware that people in coach class are unhappy with flying, and are only dimly aware that people in coach class exist at all.

The study showed that when asked how many seats a Boeing 757 had most first-class respondents answered 12, and when asked to describe the difference between coach class and premium coach class 87 percent said they could not because they were unfamiliar with either term. Nor could they tell a coach class passenger from an airline’s ground crew, except that they thought one group, they weren’t sure which, might wear uniforms.

“I always assumed those people passing through the cabin were there to service the aircraft,” said frequent first class passenger Bob Payne, CEO of a company that manufactures a line of maid, butler, and driver attire for Halloween wear.

Payne said he had heard rumblings about add-on fees for baggage, boarding priority, seat selection, and even meals, but had experienced none of them personally, and knew no one who had.

“Besides, if add-on fees were really a problem you could solve it simply by presenting your Executive Elite Status Card, or demanding to be booked on a different airline,” Payne said.

In other airline news, American Airlines has announced it is ready to move to the next step in its labor negotiations by offering pilot’s uniforms for rent to passengers, who will then be allowed to sit in the cockpit.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne occasionally flies first class, but only when his private jet is being serviced.

Richard Moross/Wikipedia photo

January 5, 2013

Ritz-Carlton to offer 15% off for guests who make own beds

In recognition of the fact that even people who can afford to stay in luxury hotels like to save a few dollars when possible, the Ritz-Carlton brand announced today it is offering a 15% discount to guests at all of its hotels who are willing to make their own beds.

“Customer surveys have consistently shown that guests want to help out where they can, whether it be in the kitchen or behind the bellman’s desk, so we thought ‘Why not award them for their loyalty?” said company spokesman Bob Payne, who is himself currently a guest in a City View Suite at the Ritz-Carlton New York, Central Park.

While some industry observers suggest the discount might be overly generous, Payne says it is about compensating people commensurate with what they are worth.

“It’s simply a matter of fairness,” Payne said. “When Mick Jagger stays with us he is willing to get both sides of the top sheet an equal distance from the floor, and even place a chocolate on the pillow, but you can’t expect that level of pitching in without having something in it for him.”

In related news, the Four Seasons Scottsdale sent out a note to its guests today, asking if anyone wanted to go out to the airport to pick some people up.

Humor Travel Writer Bob Payne is a hospitality industry efficiency consultant and a board member emeritus of the Relais & Chateaux Hotel Group.

BigStock photo.

January 3, 2013January 10, 2013

Honoring those we lost in 2012

Now that we are a few days into the New Year, frequent traveler Bob Payne is taking a brief time out to honor those we lost in 2012.

Black carry-on bag – No name tag, but purple Barney-like sock puppet tied to handle. I was made to gate-check it on an American flight from Dallas Fort Worth to JFK. The woman at Customer Service was nice, but said the airline had enough problems of its own without having to look for my bag, too.

Wing-tip shoe – Left foot, men’s brown and white, size 9 ½ D. I was half way to my Southwest flight at Phoenix Sky Harbor before I noticed it was missing, and by the time I got back to the bin at the security gate it was gone. Kudos to the TSA, though, for letting me borrow a woman’s espadrille, left foot, same size as mine, even though it wasn’t really my color.

Rental car – Once you misplace your car keys, which I think must have fallen out of my pocket when I was wading in the fountain at the Princess on New Year’s Eve, losing your car, too, is really not that hard, especially if you can’t remember the make, color, or company you rented it from.

Family members who called from the airport, but never showed up at the reunion – more evidence that relying entirely on a GPS for driving directions can turn out to be a very bad idea.

Right leg below the knee – I now know that when you are picnicking along a river bank in Australia and see a yellow caution sign showing the outline of a crocodile painted in black it is not there for comic effect. On the other hand, I now have more use for the single left wing-tip shoe.

In his spare time, travel humor writer Bob Payne does the obituary column for his home-town newspaper.

January 2, 2013January 14, 2013

Cash strapped federal government considers licensing airline beverage carts as commercial vehicles

In an attempt to find more revenue sources that could help deal with America’s on-going monetary crisis, Congress announced today it is studying emergency legislation that would allow the Interstate Commerce Commission to charge a licensing fee for airline beverage carts under the same rules currently applied to commercial trucking.

“Those carts are clearly engaging in commerce and they are clearly crossing state lines; so we are well within our rights to charge them a licensing fee for it,” said legislative assistant Bob Payne.

The news sent a ripple of concern through the airline industry, with reports that some carriers were rushing to buy all the carts they could and instructing their lobbyists to argue that a fair compromise, should the licensing become law, would be to allow carts already in use to be grandmothered in, just as has happened with more and more issues involving flight attendants.

Some industry analysts, however, say that most airlines would simply find a way to eliminate the beverage carts, such as requiring flight attendants to wear multi-pocketed uniforms from which they would offer items for sale. But legislative assistant Payne does not think that will happen. “After all, the airlines know we would simply start charging a fee for having pockets.”

In related news, the beverage service was completed aboard a recent Newark-Phoenix flight with no injuries reported.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne has his own beverage cart repair business.

Bridgeandtunnelclub.com photo