Bob Payne - BobCarriesOn

December 30, 2012

No more abuse by the airlines, and other unrealistic resolutions for 2013

In recent years, airline passengers, more than most people, have found it necessary to make New Year’s resolutions. Here are a few that travel humor writer Bob Payne found it necssary to make for 2013, based on his behavior during 2012.

I will refuse to fly on any airline whose practices I consider abusive, unless the alternative is to go by train, bus, auto, or foot.

I will not complain if a child hits me in the ear with a stuffed animal. I will, however, return the stuffed animal with the head removed.

I will refrain from asking flight attendants if I can have a pillow, blanket, playing cards, junior pilot wings, or call button that works. On certain occasions, though, I will ask for a flight attendant’s phone number. Those occasions will be if I’d like to know how they feel about being awakened in the middle of the night by somebody who tells them they have to put away all eclectonic devices.

If a late-arriving passenger crams his or her carry-on in on top of mine, potentially damaging my laptop, I will not say anything. But after everyone is seated I will slip an alarm clock into the offending bag, set to go off ten minutes into the flight.

As I pass the cockpit door, I will not wave and say, “Hey, it’s me. From rehab.”

I will not pound on the lavatory door just because someone has been in there longer than I consider necessary. Instead I will calmly approach the nearest flight attendant and say, “Do you smell smoke? Coming from the lavatory?”

I will not grouse about fees for talking to a live ticket agent, checking in at the airport, carrying on a bag, extra leg room, or sitting closer to the front of the plane or with my family. But I will charge a $25 fee to get the beverage cart past my seat.

I will not secretly pull an assortment of nuts and bolts out of my carry-on, show them to the annoying person sitting next to me, and say, “I found these under your seat. I wonder if they’re important.”

I will not bring a roast turkey on board and then share it with only some of the other passengers in my vicinity. I will, however, give preference to those passengers who are sharing mashed potatoes and gravy.

I will not wear oversize cowboy hats on flights from Dallas-Fort Worth to Paris. This should be an easy resolution to keep because it is unlikey I will ever be on a flight from Dallas-Fort Worth to Paris

December 27, 2012

Air passenger elbows growing smaller say evolutionary biologists

A report just published in the Journal of Evolutionary Appendages has found a direct correlation between the diminishing widths of coach class seats and shrinking elbows among coach class passengers.

“We haven’t tracked a finer example of evolutionary biology at work since the increase in finger dexterity following the introduction of free wi-fi,” said JEA editor Bob Payne.

The study also found that a result of the shrinkage has been a marked decrease in violence among passengers sharing arm rests.

“With not much of an elbow to poke, and the impossibility of making one’s self heard over small children, there’s not much for someone to do but sit there and be quiet,” Payne said.

Payne said the study projects that elbows will be able to shrink another 14 percent before the airlines begin looking for new ways to maximize the number of people a plane can carry.

“A promising development in that area is having appendages surgically removed before departure then reattached at destination, with the airline getting a percentage of the surgical procedures,” Payne said.

Payne said that while some non-scientists have been surprised by how quickly human elbows have adapted to new space restrictions, he said it is no more unusual than how fast the human tongue has hardened as a result of the increasing number of opportunities to bite it, not only in travel, but in every facet of daily life.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne has been editing the Journal of Evolutionary Appendages since its inception.

BigStock photo.

December 20, 2012December 30, 2012

Take my shoes off? Not in this lifetime.

So here it is, almost the end of the time, according to the Mayans, which is a special day for travelers because it means you can do and say all those things you’ve been wishing you could ever since the first TSA screener told you to take your shoes off.

Here are just a few of the possibilities that travel humor writer Bob Payne will be trying out. But feel free to contribute your own. And let’s check in day after tomorrow to see how things worked out.

Lean toward the woman whose child just threw his glass of juice at a flight attendant and say, in a compassionate voice, but loud enough for everyone within five or six rows to hear, “Does he take after you or your husband?”

Dine at a nearly impossible-to-get-into restaurant where the cost of the meal includes being humiliated by an insufferable wait staff, and then don’t tip.

Give every single person who puts their hand out — waiter, bellman, concierge, taxi driver, porter, tour guide, beggar on the street– a thousand dollars, by check.

Sample everything in the mini-bar, even the $12 condom.

Walk out of the hotel carrying a TV.

Rent a car, the luxury model, back it into a pole in a parking lot, breaking a tail light, and then happily confess, when that irritating guy with the hand-held device is checking you in, “Yep. I did it.”

Go ahead, ski the double black diamond.

December 12, 2012

New coach class turndown service to revolutionize airline industry

The airline industry today announced a revolutionary new concept in flying – coach class turndown service.

The way the service works, according to industry spokesperson Bob Payne, is that any request made by a coach passenger will automatically be turned down.

“What the request is won’t matter – May I have the full can? Could somebody bolt my seat back to the floor? Could you tell me why the wing is on fire? – the answer will always be No,” Payne said.

The effect on the industry’s bottom line is expected to prove even more positive than ancillary add-on fees have, and should give flight attendants more time to devote to higher-priority tasks, such as determining who among the cockpit crew is married.

“That will make it a win-win for everyone, except of course the coach passengers themselves.” Payne said.

Some critics have said that those coach passengers, denied access to basic information they need for a comfortable, comforting, and safe flying experience may decide not to fly at all.

To which Payne responded, “Are you somehow unaware of what they’ve been willing to put up with already?”

The fee for the turndown service, Payne said, will be $75.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne is the author of the acclaimed psychological thriller, Fare of Flying.

BigStock photo.

December 10, 2012

Man claims he extends arms, turns in circle, without touching walls of New York City hotel room

A British tourist visiting New York City has made the extraordinary claim that he was able to stand in the middle of his hotel room and turn in a complete circle without touching a single wall.

“I had to send my wife and son out into the hallway, and stand on the bed, but, yeah, I did it,” said a beaming Bob Payne, of Hamstarly, England, who said he and his family were in New York to watch the Chinese shop at Saks Fifth Avenue and Bloomingdale’s.

Payne said he’d tried a similar feat during his last visit to New York, in 2004, but it had resulted in him breaking his arm, “not to mention giving the porter who was delivering our bags to the room a black eye.”

A spokesman for New York City’s tourism bureau said that while rare, instances of hotel guests being able to stretch out their arms without touching a wall had been known to happen before.

“We even had a case reported at the Mansfield Hotel, in Midtown, but the girl making the claim turned out to have abnormally short arms,” the spokesman said.

When travel humor writer Bob Payne is not serving as editor-in-chief of BobCarriesOn.com, the website that has been providing accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock, he works part time as a bellman at the Mainsfield Hotel.

BigStock photo.

December 6, 2012

Who is funny in travel, not counting the TSA?

What’s so funny about travel? That’s what we want you to tell us. Who do you follow online, even if it’s just yourself, whose tweets, posts, and blogs about travel are funny and insightful, and, we would hope, at least occasionally prompt readers to consider legal action?

Send their names to Bob Payne’s travel humor website BobCarriesOn.com, and, if you’ve got it handy, a link to an example of what they’ve done that makes you laugh. Based on your suggestions, we will put together a list of nominations for 2013 top ten creators of funniest travel tweets, posts, and blogs, and let the world vote.

Winners will be announced in January and recognized on BobCarriesOn.com with an example of their humor and a link that will lead you to more.

If the response is great enough, we’ll continue the recognition with a weekly favorite. So make us laugh by leaving your suggestions in a comment here, or leave a message at Facebook, Google+, or Twitter.

BigStock photo.