Bob Payne - BobCarriesOn

May 3, 2017July 25, 2017

Ten people travelers should never photograph

smiling Kim Jong-un travel photographers never photograph

breaking news-wiki.com photo

People have always been a favorite subject for travelers to photograph. Unlike with mountains, seascapes, and roads that fade into the distance, it is often possible to pay people to reposition themselves into a more natural pose. People shots do, however, often involve some kind of intrusion. So it is best to ask permission first, especially if there is a chance the subject may be armed. And there are some people, those below among them, who ethics and self preservation demand that you should not photograph at all.

Uniformed military or law enforcement officers in possession of a 65” or larger television that appears to be in its original packing.

The Pope, if he is playing Truth or Dare.

Any immediate family member of North Korea’s supreme leader Kim Jong-un who is strapped to the nose of a ballistic missile during an unsuccessful launch attempt.

Gang members actively involved in a drug exchange or drive-by shooting.

Anyone who acts unstable or somehow “off,” especially if they hold an elected office.

Couples exhibiting public displays of affection that involve a goat.

An airline pilot sitting in the cockpit, scanning the job listings on craigslist.

Homeless families who you recognize as the former owners of the condo next to yours in Aspen.

Other people’s children, unless the children are older than you are.

The Kardashians nude, until you have agreed on a price.

Humor travel writer Bob Payne is often asked by photo editors not to tell them if he owns a camera.

April 20, 2017August 8, 2017

How to tell a child there is no lost luggage heaven

We’ve all had to tell a disconsolate child that his or her bag was the one chosen to go to lost luggage heaven. The experience can be painful, especially when the child blubbers, “Why couldn’t Daddy go instead?”

But using lost luggage heaven as a way of softening a child’s grief when their bag fails to come off the carousel only works until the child is old enough to start asking probing questions. Such as, “If it’s such a good place, why are those other people whose bags went there using so many bad words?”

That’s when it’s time to begin explaining lost luggage insurance.

Often, a good way to start is: “You know how you get presents from Santa?”

Then remind your kids how Santa cannot always bring them everything they want, because the elves have switched the tags around, or even taken all the good stuff out for themselves. And remind them, too, that to make up for your disappointment Santa sometimes leaves gift certificates.

Most kids are quick to grasp that lost luggage insurance works the same way. Except that instead of gift certificates you get an insurance settlement, which is usually about 15 percent of what you think it should be.

Eventually, of course, your child is likely to come right out and ask you directly if lost luggage heaven is a real place. To which as a parent it is your responsibility to answer, briefly but honestly, “Only if you count the overhead bins.”

Some children, though, will remain unconvinced, and will want to know only, “Is there a bad place luggage goes, too?”

That’s when its time to begin explaining Newark.

When travel humor writer Bob Payne is not serving as editor in chief of BobCarriesOn.com, he works as a grief counselor in the baggage services division of a major U.S. airline.

April 17, 2017

5 top countries for travelers hoping to avoid extradition

Taktshang Bhutan monastery ideal hideaway for travelers avoiding extradition.

With tax season just over, now is the busiest time of the year for travel to the two-dozen countries that have no extradition treaty with the U.S. To help travelers on the run chose which country is right for them — whether for a life-time stay or just until a statue of limitations runs out — we’ve once again put together our top 5 under-the-radar picks for anyone hoping to avoid extradition.

Maldives

With predictions that a rising sea level may result in its disappearance by 2085, this Indian Ocean nation has more to worry about than what your back-story might be. So unless there’s a possibility that somebody is willing to trade you for a Russian arms dealer, you’ll pretty much be left alone. Come here for the sun, the beaches, and the high-end resorts so pricey that to afford them you practically have to have stolen a serious amount of something.

Many of the resorts, such as the Huvafen Fushi, have overwater bungalows with glass panels in the floors for viewing sea life, and, if necessary, a quick escape. Be careful, though, whenever counting large stacks of money in your room, as the panels often make it easy for passing snorkelers to view your life. For an American, the Maldives, despite its distance, is not a perfect home away from home. Talk of opening a string of international fast-food restaurants at the airport has so far come to nothing. And getting re-runs of Keeping Up with the Kardashians is sometimes difficult. But if you are here for the long stay, converting to Islam can help, as can being religious about applying SPF 50.

China

While there is a misperception that Western travelers with a criminal background are not welcome in China, the opposite is often true, especially if the travelers arrive bearing significant trade secrets. Even if you have nothing to barter, a population of 1.4 billion makes it easy to get lost in the crowd. And should you run afoul of Chinese authorities, a prison population that includes more than 6,000 foreign inmates means you will sometimes be able to barter in English for cigarettes. Americans will find much about China to remind them of home, including Subway (440 outlets) McDonalds (1,964 outlets), KFC (5,854 outlets), and the Great Wall (0 outlets).

United Arab Emirates

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness has never considered avoiding extradition by fleeing to the United Arab Emirates. In the UAE, money can buy a $1,223 cupcake, a $24,000 per night hotel suite, and an $8 million (diamond-studded) cell phone. Gold-plated SUV’s are not that rare, Lamborghini police cars are not unheard of. Still, the law is Islamic law, so don’t spend money on alcohol consumed outside of a bar, restaurant, or sporting venue, or anything that’s any fun at all during Ramadan.

Russia

A tall latte at Starbucks in Moscow costs twice what it does in New York City. And you can be riding in the back seat of a taxi one moment and in the trunk the next, on the way to have your vital organs removed for profit. But beyond those niggling kinds of concerns, Russia is just about ideal for anyone looking for a new identity to call their own. In Moscow, live quietly but comfortably in the luxury of such accommodations as the Ritz-Carlton, where your personal butler and his government minder will soon know your name.

Become familiar with Red Square, the Bolshoi Theatre, and Saint Basil’s Cathedral, whose distinctive domes are recognized worldwide as the inspiration for the American news organization, The Onion. At the Kremlin, pass a pleasant hour, perhaps with a small group of friends, contemplating the unauthorized removal of the 190-caret Orlov Diamond on display there. And if it becomes time to get out of town, what traveler doesn’t imagine a journey on the Trans Siberian Railway? Just make sure you ask for a round trip ticket.

Bhutan

For relieving the stress often associated with traveling to avoid extradition, there may be no better destination than Bhutan. One of three countries in the world with no diplomatic relations at all with the U.S. (Iran and North Korea are the other two) this Himalayan hideaway allows you to conduct your affairs with the assurance that the only place you are ever likely get snatched to is heaven. One of the highlights of a Bhutan stay is a visit to the sacred, and isolated, cliff-side Buddhist monastery of Taktshang, or the Tiger’s Nest.

Make the strenuous hike to the monastery from the town below in about three hours, where you will be rewarded with the discovery that no cameras, phones, or recording devices of any kind are allowed. Which for somebody hiding from the law is by itself almost worth the trip. A bonus is that the monks who live at the monastery often practice meditation that requires extended periods of silence, diminishing the chances that somebody will even accidentally give you away.

BobCarriesOn editor-in-chief Bob Payne is currently under audit.

April 10, 2017April 10, 2017

Noah’s Ark discriminated against single passengers?

Ancient scrolls recently discovered near the base of Mount Ararat reveal that many Noah’s Ark passengers traveled as couples to avoid a discriminatory singles-supplement policy.

The supplement — reported to be 100% — was established by the travel industry as a direct response to the limited accommodations available on the Ark and the high demand for them.

“You have to understand, as God apparently didn’t, that we have to set our pricing based on double occupancy,” one member of the Ararat Society of Travel Agents (ASTA) is recorded as saying.

According to the member, neither God nor Noah were details-guys and didn’t really understand that it’s not so much a room that makes the lodging and cruise ship industries viable but the extra per-person charges for necessities such as drinks, meals, and having your photo taken on every imaginable occasion.

“It’s not a flood, even one of Biblical proportions, that keeps a ship afloat; it’s the markup on pina coladas,” the member said.

Many of the singles who expressed interest in the 40-days and 40-nights Noah’s Ark cruise felt, however, that the single-supplement was discriminatory.

“We are less work for the cabin stewards and spend more time at the bar than anyone except the couples who are discovering a cruise isn’t a solution to their marital woes after all, so why should we have to pay extra?” complained a giraffe who said he had specifically looked into the Ark cruise because he’d heard that its limbo competition was more challenging than on Carnival.

In the end, in large part at the urging of the rabbits, the singles finally agreed to double up in order to avoid the supplement. And that seemed to work fine – except for the black widow spiders.

Humor travel writer Bob Payne is the editor in chief of BobCarriesOn.com, and a Biblical scholar specializing in ancient cruise ship rituals and practices.

April 5, 2017

Afghanistan again leads list of world’s top 193 countries, based on alphabetical order

Afghan boy delighted to learn his country again ranks at top.

BobCarriesOn.com has released its annual report of the world’s top 193 countries, based on alphabetical order. Afghanistan remains No. 1, a position it has held since 1967, when the state of Aden, on the Arabian Peninsula, became part of Yemen.

Afghanistan’s fifty consecutive years at the top of the list is impressive. Its longevity has been surpassed only by Abyssinia, which was No. 1, alphabetically, from 1137 to 1889, when it became part of modern Ethiopia.

The No. 1 standing has benefitted Afghanistan in many ways. It has helped bolster the country’s stature, for example, among Westerners who are interested in poppy growing, goat grabbing (which is a national sport), and war-zone safety practices. It has also helped offset other rankings, such as: The Legatum Prosperity Index, 148^th; World Happiness Report, 154^th; Life Expectancy at birth 162nd; GDP Per Capita 175^th; and Ease of doing business 181^st.

Among other countries, the United States was unable, once again, to rank higher than 185^th. It finished ahead of only Uruguay, Uzbekistan, Vanuatu, Venezuela, Vietnam, Yemen, Zambia, and Zimbabwe. And in continental standings, the U.S. fared even worse, finishing 23^rd out of the top 23 North American countries.

Looking ahead to next year, Afghanistan could find its top spot in jeopardy. Abkhazia, a tiny slice of the former Soviet Union, has been successful at getting only a handful of nations to recognize its independence from the country of Georgia. However, one of those nations is Russia. So, Abkhazia could soon find that its breakaway aspirations — and hopes of becoming No. 1 — have the full support of the U.S. State Department.

Top finishers by continent, based on alphabetic order (world standings in parentheses)

Asia

Afghanistan (1); Armenia (8); Azerbaijan (11).

Azerbaijan has more mud volcanoes than any other country, and also the largest mud volcano. There is little evidence, however, that either fact has influenced the Azerbaijanis’ attitude toward mud wrestling, either as a sport or a political tactic.

Europe

Albania (2); Andorra (4); Austria (10).

Andorra has one of the world’s highest life expectancies and, perhaps not coincidentally, has not been to war in more than a thousand years.

Africa

Algeria (3); Angola (5); Benin (19).

Benin is home to the largest remaining population of lions in West Africa. It also ranks 162^nd in life expectancy. The two seem to be unrelated.

North America

Antigua and Barbuda (6); Bahamas (12); Barbados (15).

The world’s first recorded sale of rum took place on Barbados, which is still a major producer. Despite that, Barbados has a literacy rate of 99%.

South America

Argentina (7); Bolivia (21); Brazil (24)

The Yungas Road, leading from Bolivia’s capital, La Paz, has been called the world’s most dangerous. It has been suggested that one solution to the vehicular carnage — for people dressed as zebras to help children cross the streets — does not go far enough.

Australia

Australia (9).

The once proud, boastful Australians now rank only 19th worldwide for beer consumption per capita.

Antarctica

Not rated.

BobCarriesOn.com Editor in Chief Bob Payne in on the board of the Know YourABC’s Foundation.

March 17, 2017March 17, 2017

BULLETPROOF: Best Carry-on Bags For When Things Go Bad

Airline passenger holding up bullet-proof carry-on bag.

Practically all the new carry-on bags claim to be as smart as a phone, or a watch. Some tell you how much they weigh. Some follow you through the airport. And some let you know your spouse is in Miami, not Milwaukee.

But the truly useful innovations are found in carry-on bags that are at their best when things go bad. Especially impressive, for instance, are the bags that can provide cover in case of gunfire.

A British firm, Terrapin Technology, produces bulletproof carry-on bags as part of their “Go Ballistic” line. For best results, you hold the bag up to your face and chest, as if in a cowering manner. A barrier of “military grade” ballistic-resistant material then helps protect you from 9 mm bullets, knife thrusts, and, if your day has really gotten off on to a bad start, “shrapnel from a bomb blast.”

Man riding carryon bag scooter — *Micro Luggage Photo*

Carry-on Bag Luggage Scooter

Travelers who routinely fly out of smaller, regional airports know that getting a good seat often requires a dash from the gate to the plane. Increase your odds of being first to arrive by using a luggage scooter from Micro Luggage. An extendable aluminum handle and kickboard allows you to ride your carry-on bag in a style acceptable to even the youngest teens in your party.

Woman on motorized, ride-able carry-on bag — *Modobag/Indiegogo Photo*

Rideable Carry-on Bags

Need more getaway-speed than scooter-style carry-on bags can provide? What if, for instance, you have just used an emergency evacuation slide to exit an airplane you’d like to distance yourself from as quickly as possible? Then you might be ready for the Modobag. Billed as the world’s first ride-able, motorized, carry-on bag, it can reach speeds of up to 8 mph. Which is faster even than a man who has just noticed jet fuel leaking all over the tarmac can run.

Fire resistant Cardinal Bag Supplies Briefcase — *Cardinal Bag Supplies Photo*

Fire-resistant Carry-on Bags

If you anticipate not being able to make a quick getaway, fire-resistant carry-on bags can be a good investment. Cardinal Bag Supplies makes briefcase-style carry-on bags that are fire resistant up to 2,500 degrees. It is necessary to point out, however, that if the bag is within your reach, temperatures much above 200 degrees will make the investment of interest primarily to your heirs.

Man blowing up floating carry-on bag — *Capsula Bag Photo*

Carry-on Bags That Float

What happens should your plane’s pilot misjudge, for example, the length of an aircraft carrier? You’ll want carry-on bags that are leak-resistant or, better yet, designed to float. Among the best we’ve found is the EL 22 Elite Carry-On, from Pelican, which has “passed submergence tests for an hour at a depth of one meter.” (Which is an industry standard, but, admittedly, didn’t impress us much, either.) More impressive is a line of bags from a new company, Capsula Bag, which actually float. You have to blow up an inner chamber, but we assume that given the right circumstances — such as an offshore current or circling sharks — most users would be okay with that.

Pelican submersible carry-on bag — *Pelican Photo*

Impact-resistant Carry-on Bags

Ultimately, when things go bad the best of the new carry-on bags are those that are old-fashioned tough. Among the toughest, we have already mentioned the submergible EL 22 Elite. With double walls that won’t buckle under loads of up to 1,500 pounds, you could practically drop the Elite from cruising altitude without having to look for pieces.

Which would have made it a good choice for legendary, almost mythical, hijacker D. B. Cooper when he bailed out of a Boeing 727 somewhere over the Pacific Northwest in 1971. Unfortunately for Cooper, who was never heard from again, they found some of his $200,000 in ransom money scattered along the banks of the Columbia River, suggesting that his bag, at least, did not survive the jump.

BobCarriesOn editor-in-chief Bob Payne has never jumped from an airplane with a carry-on bag, containing ransom money.