Bob Payne - BobCarriesOn

July 24, 2015March 15, 2016

6 foods that help airline passengers retain armrest space

As airline passengers know, one of the biggest annoyances when flying is having to fight for armrest space. But a simple solution, says Bob Payne, Director of Olfactory Experiences for the International Air Transport Association, is for passengers to bring aboard meals and snacks so odoriferous that passengers in the adjoining seats will be more than willing to give up as much elbow room as possible.

“While a small number of passengers [all now on the Terrorist Watchlist] have complained, we are finding that claiming the arm rests by olfactory means is far more benign than the barbed wire, electric-shock devices, and sharpened pencils through the back of the hand that some passengers have employed,” said Payne.

The most effective olfactory space-makers tend to be exotic food items such as Durian, an Asian fruit that is banned from many of that regions airlines, fermented fish, such as Swedish surstromming and Norwegian lutefisk, and fermented bean dishes, including Japanese natto and Korean doenjang, all of which have been described as possessing the aroma of Third World sewage systems on the occasions when they are working even less effectively than usual.

Yet while the exotics can be difficult to get hold of for U.S. and European flights (Spirit Airlines and Ryanair both offer them for an add-on fee), some excellent alternatives are easily available. Here are six of Payne’s favorites:

Over-ripe Cheese

Among the best are Limburger, which is particularly effective when paired with onions, Epoisses, which is banned from public transport throughout France, and Stinking Bishop, which in Britain is said to have a centuries-long tradition of raising the dead.

Tuna Fish

Any fish will do, but tuna is especially evocative of the sanitary facilities of a Grand Banks trawler.

Curry

A nice curry dish heavy on the cumin, coriander, and fenugreek works like a charm for extending your personal space to clear across the aisle and at least two rows in either direction.

Mexican Food

From beans to onions, the ingredients of a suitably malodorous burrito can drive even the most territorial fellow passenger flat up against the window.

Certain Vegetables

Cooked broccoli, cabbage, and asparagus, especially if packed in an insulated container that keeps them warm, exude a smell that says “”What’s it to ya?” To really insure some real estate, ask a flight attendant if he or she will reheat them for you. They won’t, but the possibility will have other passengers begging that the oxygen masks be dropped.

Carbonated Beverages

The stealth fighter of the armrest wars, carbonated beverages cause bloating and, combined with gas-producing foods like Mexican fare and the above-mentioned veggies, create a cone of flatulence that will keep other passengers at a respectful distance all the way into the arrival terminal.

Along with his responsibilities at the IATA, humor writer Bob Payne blogs forTupperware Brands, which he claims sponsored this post.

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July 17, 2015March 15, 2016

Allegiant Air says newest airline fees are meant to prompt jokes

In the newest round of add-on airline fees, the low-cost carrier Allegiant Air said earlier this week that it is replacing all its in-flight announcements with open-mike sessions performed by passengers, who will be charged for the service.

“Research shows that these are add-on airline fees passengers are actually eager to embrace,” said Bob Payne, Director of Standup for Allegiant Air Customer Service.

The fees will range from $25 for each knock-knock joke ending with “Orange you going to stop that kid from kicking my seat? to $100 for any comedy routine mentioning the words “air rage,” “shoe bomber,” or “stewardess.”

The airline spokesman said demand had been overwhelming. “Even co-pilots, who might have otherwise had to wait 20 years before getting an opportunity to key a microphone, are signing up for the service.”

“Several junior flight crewmembers have already paid $150 per session in order to begin with, ‘Three airline captains walk into a bar,” Payne said.

Response was equally quick from other low-cost carriers, with Spirit Airlines, in an attempt to outdo its archrival, announcing an open mike performance for Caitlyn Jenner look-alikes, for which there would be a $300 change fee.

In related news, Amtrak has announced that it, too, will institute open-mike sessions, although to insure the comfort of all its passengers the service will be limited to mime acts.

When not working with Allegiant Air, travel humor writer Bob Payne serves as the Pre-Owned Vehicle Tourism Editor for BobCarriesOn.Com.

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July 13, 2015March 15, 2016

Three unprovoked attacks in same day by fee-hungry airlines reported

In what is becoming one of the most active seasons in recent memory for attacks by fee-hungry airlines, three separate carriers ripped into unsuspecting passengers on Monday, in each case resulting in the loss of an arm and a leg.

“High levels of chumming with seemingly cheap bait-and-switch fares are responsible for much of the activity,” said Bob Payne, Director of the University of North Carolina Biology Department’s Institute for the Study of Ancillary Airline Fees.

Among the new fare add-ons are a $7 entertainment tax for listening to the safety announcement, a $34 surcharge for teens wishing to sit in a different row than their parents, and $50 change fee for deciding you want coffee after all.

“There’s no sense in blaming the airlines for the attacks,” Payne said. “They are simply mindless beasts responding to naturally-occurring conditions.”

Still, passengers can take steps to protect themselves, Payne said. For instance, he suggests carrying a roll of duct tape, so that if you do lose an arm and a leg you can reattach them, thus avoiding the increasingly common fee for personal carryon items.

When not lecturing on ancillary airline fees, humor writer Bob Payne is the Sex, Religion and Politics Editor for BobCarriesOn.com

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June 25, 2015July 24, 2015

America’s 10 Safest Airlines – Now

No question, a commercial aircraft is a safe place to be. It has been pointed out, for instance, that in the United States you are more likely to be killed by a dog attack than a commercial airplane crash. Still, if you want to increase the odds that flying will not be the cause of your demise, here are America’s 10 safest airlines.

Eastern Airlines

Founded: 1926

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1991

Of note: Among the deaths resulting from a 1974 Eastern Airlines crash were those of the father and two older brothers of comedian Stephen Colbert, who was ten at the time. He said the experience has had much to do with his view that the world doesn’t always make sense.

Northwest Airlines

Founded: 1926

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 2010

Of note: In 1971, hijacker D.B. Cooper parachuted from the tail end of a Northwest Boeing 727 somewhere over Washington State’s Cascade Range, along with $200,000 in ransom. He was never heard of again, except as the inspiration for songs, films, and printed works, among them a pamphlet, published in 1972, titled “SKYJACKER’S GUIDE OR PLEASE HOLD THIS BOMB WHILE I GO TO THE BATHROOM.“

Pan American World Airways

Founded: 1927

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1991

Of note: In the early 1960’s Pan Am was so optimistic about its future that it began accepting reservations for trips to the moon. By the time “The World’s Most Experienced Airline” went under, in part as a result of the terrorist bombing that brought down Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, more than 93,000 people had put down a deposit for the space flight.

Braniff International Airways

Founded: 1928

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1982

Of note: A Braniff plane holds the record for the longest distance flown while being hijacked — 7,500 miles from San Antonio, Texas, to Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Continental Airlines

Founded: 1934

Why so safe: Stopped flying 2012

Of note: A subsidiary of Continental known as Continental Air Services Inc was created primarily to fly support missions in Southeast Asia during the Vietnam War. Which is why CASI may be the only civilian airline that has had an active-duty pilot serve as a prisoner of war.

National Airlines

Founded: 1934

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1980.

Of note: National is perhaps best remembered for its “Fly Me,” advertising campaign, featuring ads showing flight attendants saying, for instance, “I’m Cheryl. Fly me.” The campaign incensed the National Organization for Women, but was so successful that National purportedly considered intensifying it with “I’m going to fly you like you’ve never been flown before.”

Air Florida

Founded: 1971

Why so safe: Stopped flying 1984

Of note: The next time you are irritated by a flight attendant it might help to recall that when Air Florida Flight 90 crashed into the icy Potomac River in 1982 a flight attendant who was among the few survivors gave her life vest to an injured passenger.

Midway Airlines

Founded: 1976

Why so safe: Stopped flying 1991

Of note: One of the happier airlines, Midway, which never had a serious accident, proved that you could run a low-cost operation and still offer chocolate mints. Unhappily, like a number of other airlines, it could not survive the rise in fuel costs and economic downturn that resulted from the first Gulf War.

People Express

Founded: 1981

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1987

Of note: People Express was the first airline to permit a woman to captain a 747. On the other hand, they were also the first U.S. airline to charge a baggage fee.

Hooters Air

Founded: 2003

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 2006

Of note: The most successful thing about Hooters Air is that many passengers truly didn’t care when they arrived.

June 16, 2015June 25, 2015

Unsettling speculation about giant rubber ducks

The appearance of an increasing number of giant yellow rubber ducks at seaports around the world is raising concern that the seemingly harmless inflatable creations may in fact be aquatic Trojan Horses.

“If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, but is six stories high, then it is probably up to no good,” said university researcher Bob Payne, who has been pursuing quack theories since the early 1990’s, when a ship dumped 28,000 rubber ducks and other bathtub toys into the North Pacific.

At the time, the massive release of so many rubber ducks was labeled an accident. (For details, read Moby-Duck, by Donovan Hohn.) But Payne says he began to suspect otherwise when giant versions of the yellow bath toys started to appear at ports worldwide, from Hong Kong to Los Angeles to Sao Palo to Sydney.

“It’s clear somebody or something is using the ducks to get past security in the same way the Greeks once used a wooden horse and now employ salads,” said Payne.

Although the Chinese, who lead the world in the development of quack technology, would seem the likely culprits, Payne said he believes the invasive tactics might represent something much more sinister.

“My guess is giant space aliens, bright-yellow, with orange-beaks, looking for a water planet where no one seems to be in charge,” Payne said.

What they are smuggling in, he said, are tens of thousands of tiny clones of themselves.

“And if you need proof of how successful they have been, just check out the rubber duck 12-pack on sale at Walmart.”

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May 29, 2015June 16, 2015

Six places to see in Detroit before you die

Should you unexpectedly find yourself in Detroit because of a diverted flight or a wrong turn off the interstate here’s a guide to every place you will want to see, quickly.

Detroit Metro Airport

Departures with Delta and Spirit Airlines help make Detroit Metro the 44^th busiest airport in the world. Popular dining options are to go. Insider Tip: For overnight visitors, be aware that the onsite Westin Hotel does not routinely check for concealed weapons.

Amtrak Station Building

Wolverine Service transports rail passengers from Detroit’s Amtrak Station Building at 11 W Baltimore Ave, to Chicago’s Union Station. One-way fares are as low as $49, which travelers using the waiting room are advised to keep in their shoe until the ticket is purchased. Insider Tip: Do not make the sometimes-fatal mistake of confusing the Amtrak Station Building with the Michigan Central Station, which ceased to be a rail depot in 1988 when Amtrak halted service there.

Detroit Greyhound Station

Although the Detroit Greyhound Station is located in one of Detroit’s less upscale neighborhoods, fatal shootings at the station itself happen only occasionally. Visitors should not, however, arrive between the hours of midnight and 1:30 a.m. when the station is closed, but other neighborhood businesses are not. Insider Tip: Greyhound Express Service can have you in Los Angeles in as quickly as 2 days 6 hours, 35 minutes, not including delays due to traffic or having to remove disruptive passengers.

I-75 North

For visiting motorists this interstate highway, which travels through the heart of urban Detroit and north to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, can be surprisingly safe, as the congestion that often frustrates anyone hoping for a quick escape discourages carjackers. Insider Tip: Do be aware that due to Detroit’s economic condition congested highways are becoming less of a factor.

Detroit-Windsor Truck Ferry Terminal

Visitors planning to make use of the Detroit-Windsor Truck Ferry are advised to arrive by truck. The ferry goes only five times a day, but in twenty minutes passengers are not only out of Detroit but also out of the U.S. Insider Tip: Overland travelers whose bags contain hazardous or radioactive materials will find this an especially convenient departure route, as all such materials are banned from the Ambassador Bridge and Detroit-Windsor Tunnel.

Detroit Police Department Central District Police Station

Visitor’s who have been the victim of a crime in the Detroit area should report to this station, conveniently located at Woodward Avenue and West Grand Blvd, where it is sometimes possible to get directions to any of the above-mentioned sites. Insider Tip: Be advised that the 11-year-long Federal monitoring of the Detroit Police Department is no longer in effect.