When speaking about the Louvre, it is considered bad manners to mention that only 5,000 of the 380,000 works in its collection were created by French artists.
The three works visitors to the Louvre are most willing to wait in line for are the Mona Lisa, the Venus de Milo, and the Mont-Blanc pastry served at the Café Richelieu Angelina, on the museum’s first floor.
Most art critics agree that the giant glass pyramid standing at the main entrance to the Louvre was not built by ancient Egyptians.
The Louvre has two information desks, where attendants will happily direct you to the on-site Starbucks.
No one thinks of the Louvre as being in a particularly rough part of town, but it is true that since 1911, the Mona Lisa, which is displayed behind bulletproof glass, has been stolen once and vandalized five times, including by a man who smeared it with a cream cake.
When asking a Paris taxi driver for a ride to the Louvre, make it clear before they turn on the meter that you do not mean the branch that’s in Abu Dhabi, on the Arabian Peninsula.
Be suspicious of anyone standing outside the Louvre who attempts to sell you a painting of the Mona Lisa in the nude, as it is probably of Kim Kardashian.
BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne knew his painting of the Mona Lisa was a fake when he discovered that it was signed by Kanye West. Payne is the author of the 142-country travel memoir Escape Clauses – Getting Away With a Travel Writing Life
With the approach of the 2024 presidential elections, really great walls may once again take on an increasing role in the plans of many people traveling to and from the U.S. But as the examples below illustrate, really great walls have long been a part of the travel experience.
BigStock/Severin.stalder Photo
The Really Great Wall of China
Stretching for some 5,500 miles, the remains of the Really Great Wall of China is an early example of how a massive barrier, many feet thick and even more high, is about as effective at keeping people on one side or the other as a stern lecture from a vice-principal is at keeping high school boys from spiking the punch at a homecoming dance.
The problem is that even at its staunchest, the Really Great Wall of China had some 1,387 miles of gaps so porous that they are believed to have been responsible for the enormous success of Chinese takeout. No doubt the gaps were responsible, too, for the rise of such popular ice cream flavors as “Mongol Madness.”
The Really Great Wall of China was most successful as a massive infrastructure project. At its height, wall construction put millions of Chinese to work, whether they wished to be or not. Cost overruns were a problem though, largely because developers had not yet mastered working with such building materials as concrete and the excrement of bulls.
Today, the most visited part of the wall, because of its easy access to Beijing, is the Badaling section. According to many online reviews, though, after fighting the crowds and hassling with taxi drivers, visitors often come away feeling that it ought to be called the Just Ok Wall of China.
BigStock/Hanohki Photo
The Really Great Berlin Wall
From 1961 through 1989 the story surrounding the Great Berlin Wall was, according to leaders of the East German government, the biggest example of fake news ever reported.
With photos to back up their claim, East German leaders insisted that the Really Great Berlin Wall had in no way been a barrier to keep East Berlin citizens from escaping to the West. Instead, they said, the 27-mile long, 11.8-foot high concrete structure had been a really great example — probably one of the greatest examples ever – of government support of the arts.
The extent to which the Berlin government was willing to encourage artistic expression was made evident, officials said, by the 20 bunkers, 302 guard towers, and uncounted other measures erected to safeguard the artists against interference by fascist and other anti-socialist Western elements.
The Really Great Berlin Wall was demolished in 1990. But commemorative pieces are still for sale. In fact, some 3.6 tons of the original 2.5 tons of concrete used in the construction can currently be purchased on e-Bay.
John Tenniel Illustration
Humpty Dumpty’s Really Great Wall
Although parts of Humpty Dumpty’s Really Great Wall may still exist, the inspiration for the classic English nursery rhyme is a matter of dispute.
In Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There, Humpty is depicted as an egg. Or — a reader could infer — someone with an ego as fragile as an egg.
In other interpretations, the clearly wobbly character has been a stand-in for any number of kings and other powerful public figures who, because of their overreach, end up taking such a great fall that not even all their horses and all their political advisors can put them together again.
There’s even an interpretation that holds wide sway, especially among pro-growth supporters, that Humpty Dumpty was a cannon that sat atop the wall surrounding the town of Colchester, England, during the English Civil War of 1642-51. Part of the wall still exists, but the story is that return fire from opposing forces so undermined its structural integrity that without sufficient infrastructure funding most of it eventually came tumbling down.
BigStock/Chris Cintron Photo
The Really Great Wall Street
Among Americans who don’t get their news from traditional outlets, Wall Street is perhaps best known for its history of standing up to occupiers and other foreigners.
What many people don’t know, however, is that Wall Street is actually named after a really great wall, one built to keep out pirates, Native Americans, non-European Union members, and, according to some sources, radical Islamic terrorists.
The original wall was a wooden palisade built at the south end of Manhattan by the Dutch in the 1600s. Fortunately for much of America’s current population, it did not serve as a barrier for immigrants of British stock, who were able to get visa waivers.
Wiki.southark.cc.com Illustration
The Really Great Wall-Mart
Wall-Mart is a really great American-owned retail store featured in an episode of the public affairs program South Park. The episode looks at what could happen in America if addiction treatment is not part of basic health care coverage.
The premise of the episode is that almost everyone in a futuristic version of South Park is so addicted to Wall-Mart’s bargain prices that they stop shopping at other South Park businesses, and the town falls into ruins. It becomes such an untenable place to live that a growing number of people dream of finding a better life to the north, if they can only make it beyond the newly constructed Great Wall of Canada.
Travel humor writer Bob Payne has a piece of the Berlin Wall that he will sell for the right price.
One of the great mysteries about the Statue of Liberty is why, when the United States Post Office created a Statue of Liberty Forever Stamp on December 1, 2010, it took until March 2011 before somebody noticed that the model used for the stamp, of which 10.5 billion were printed, was of an inexact replica that stands outside the New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Enough souvenir Statue of Liberty foam crowns are sold each day to fill an entire landfill site, and often does.
It has been determined, by some guys in New Jersey, that as scrap metal the Statue of Liberty would be worth about $230,000.
The statue of liberty is 111 feet tall. Comparing her proportions to those of professional baseball’s current record holder for the longest home run (505 feet), she could theoretically hit a baseball 9,342 feet, which means the Yankees still wouldn’t hire her, because she is a woman.
The 1883 poem whose lines run, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” is meant to depict the Statue of Liberty, to a greater or lesser degree, depending on which national political party is in power, as a symbol of hope and optimism.
The tablet the Statue of Liberty is holding is inscribed in Roman numerals with the date of American Independence, July IV MDCCLXXVI, which amazes many visitors, who wonder how the ancient Romans could have known so far in advance.
Many New Yorker’s claim that because they have no desire to stand in line with the huddled masses they have never visited the Statue of Liberty.
At 29,035 feet, Mount Everest consistently ranks as the world’s top tourist attraction.
Except during the April and May climbing season, when the line at the Starbucks on the way to the base camp often winds out the door, crowds are seldom a problem at Mount Everest. And to escape them even in season it is often necessary only to climb above 26,000 feet, into what is helpfully described as the Death Zone.
Spring and Fall are the most popular times to visit, but in November through February cooling breezes of up to 200 mph make Mount Everest an offseason-delight for all who can manage to hold on.
No matter the season, inexpensive parking is always available, as is accommodation. Although the best of the accommodation, with some of the most awesome rooms-with-a-view on the planet, requires hanging tethered to a sheer rock face. Nor is this accommodation recommended for older men who need to get up frequently during the night.”
Local sites of interest include the last resting places, or assumed last resting places, of the more than 200 deceased climbers whose bodies remain on the mountain.
The most common hazard when climbing Mount Everest is to slip on the excrement of other hikers, which will all too often result in a tumble off the mountain via what might be called a poop chute.
For visitors looking for activities other than climbing, wildlife viewing includes up to ten species of ants and the occasional yak, the latter best admired from the uphill side.
For a suitable tip, the locals on Mount Everest are often happy to help you get all the way to the top, and, for an even more suitable tip, back down again.
Travel humor writer Bob Payne is an enthusiastic social climber.
In the luxury travel universe, much is made these days of seeking authentic travel experiences. These seem to be experiences for which you pay so much money that bemused locals are happy to indulge your fantasy that you are “not a tourist, but a traveler.”
Coveted authentic travel experiences include sharing a glass of the latest vintage with a fifth-generation vineyard owner, stepping aboard a private mega-yacht in full view of a busload of envious cruise ship passengers who wonder who you are, and sitting at a tool-ladened workbench with a local artisan (whose day job is painstakingly affixing “Souvenir of …” labels to silver spoons imported from China).
The truth, though, is that authentic travel experiences are nearly universal, often occurring even before you arrive at your destination. Here are a few:
The only notification of your delayed or cancelled flight is written on the wall of the terminal bathroom.
You request early boarding, as your prosthesis entitles you to do, and the airline charges for extra-leg room.
The flight attendant assures you that the snake loose in the overhead bin is not venomous.
The tattoo on the passenger sharing your armrest identifies him as an arm-wrestling champion.
Your young children have to coax you to eat your airline meal.
Your rental car GPS speaks to you in a rude tone of voice.
The desk clerk has the serene demeanor of someone who knows that the big-tipping guests who arrived just before you are happily settling into the room that was meant to be yours.
Your hotel room’s “ocean view” requires an optional telescope.
Your tour guide speaks clear, understandable English, loud enough for you to hear, but you are on the wrong bus.
The person floundering in the wake of your cruise ship looks unnervingly like captain.
Travel humor writer Bob Payne is the editor in chief at BobCarriesOn.com.
A special government committee has been convened to investigate allegations that an increasing number of hotels in the U.S. are exaggerating the descriptions of what their less-expensive rooms look out on.
According to unnamed sources, these fake views sites also appear to be the same ones that have prompted more and more hotel guests to complain of leaks.
“It used to be you could expect a little overstatement,” said a New York City hotel guest who was in town to see the recently updated Broadway musical, The Lyn’ King. “But now, no matter what they promise, it seems the views are of walls, walls, and more walls. And the leaks? Oh my gosh! You practically have to wear a raincoat to bed.”
As might be expected, hotel owners are pushing back, one stating, “Nobody respects hotel guests more than me, but some of them are losers. And anyway, who’s making these complaints about fake views and leaks? It could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds ok? They are just real lightweights who need to get out more, preferably to the hotel restaurant and gift shop.”
Sources from inside the committee said the investigation is moving slowly, in large part because the hotels involved all seem to be owned by shell corporations whose origins become lost in the morass of the bureaucracies of nations such as Russian and China.
“You know you are at a dead end,” one source said, “when you dig up promising paperwork on a company, only to discover that the chief financial officers are Tomas Dzheferson and Abrakham Linkoln.”
Another source, who declined to identify himself, other than to say he was not Howard Johnson, claimed that despite conflicting viewpoints from within the committee itself a possible solution to the fake views problem, at least, seemed to be emerging.
“We are leaning toward the British model, as demonstrated recently by the budget accommodation easyHotel, the source said.
According to news reports, easyHotel advertises fake views, which are in reality photos of London landmarks attached to the hotel room wall. The photos are promoted as an upgrade, and guests are charged extra for them.
As for the leaks, the source said it might take a bi-partisan effort by Congress to get those fixed.
“Fat chance of that happening,” one of the hotel owners we spoke with said. “Fat chance. Four-hundred-pounds fat.”
As readers would expect, considering the BobCarriesOn expense budget, travel humor writer Bob Payne has spent years investigating hotels that have fake views and leaks.
