Category: travel humor

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7 things every visitor needs to know about Florida

Palm-trees-south-beach-florida

Miami is so welcoming to out of state visitors that many stores post signs reading “Nosotros hablamos ingles.”

Because Florida was underwater during the Mesozoic era, the state’s only evidence of dinosaurs are the fossils most commonly found on weekday afternoons at Hooters restaurants.

South Florida may have the Everglades and Central Florida may have Disney World and the Kennedy Space Center. But only West Florida has the Flora-Bama Mullet Toss, an annual event in which contestants see how far they can throw a dead fish across the state line into Alabama.

Florida is so culturally and religiously tolerant that visiting Amish and Mennonite worshipers share, at the Sarasota community of Pinecraft, the same beach resort.

The Florida manatee, from which the legend of the mermaid arose, is still sometimes used to determine if a sailor has been too long at sea.

Florida’s Stand Your Ground law is not meant to be used while waiting in line at a take-out restaurant that offers fried alligator.

Some experts believe it is possible, depending on what happens with climate change, that by 2050 Florida could be covered entirely in golf courses.

BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne saw his first Florida manatee at a very vulnerable time in his life.

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7 things every visitor needs to know about New York City

New-York-taxi-

More than 800 languages are spoken in New York City, most of them only by taxi drivers.

If you don’t want people to think you are a tourist, don’t wait for the Walk sign.

New York City is home to 600,000 dogs, most serving the sole purpose of providing a conversation starter for desperate singles walking in Central Park.

When New Yorkers speak of “Our men in uniform,” they are referring to doormen.

If a New York City pedestrian makes eye contact, they are about to snatch your sunglasses.

Many of the places your guidebook will direct you to are now a Duane Reade drugstore.

If someone attempts to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge, it is acceptable to start negotiating at half the asking price.

While driving in New York City, BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne has never intentionally run over a bicycle messenger.

 

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Hidden cameras make hotel guests more likely to smile, attend to personal appearance

woman standing in front of hidden camera in bathroom mirror

First, it was a growing number of reports that hidden cameras are being used to spy on hotel guests. And now a recent survey finds that the possibility of unauthorized surveillance increases the concern guests have for their in-room personal appearance, especially hair and makeup.

Hotel security specialist Bob Payne, who insists he has seldom installed hidden cameras in a hotel room himself, and then only for his own personal use, said the possibility of secret video recordings prompted more than 68 % of surveyed hotel guests to admit that they routinely put on a smile and give themselves at least a quick look in the mirror before getting close to an alarm clock, smoke detector, or any other device that hidden cameras might be concealed in.

The reason for the concern, according to Payne, is the assumption that most hidden camera footage will find its way to the Internet. And that raises fears among guests that being caught online in an unguarded moment could hurt their social media standing on such sites as Facebook, Instagram, and Ashley Madison.

“Who wants to have thousands of followers watch you spit toothpaste into a bowl, unless of course you hope to become an online influencer for that particular brand of toothpaste, such as Aquafresh,  said Payne, adding that he is sometimes compensated for products he mentions online.

When not consulting about hidden cameras for some of the world’s most litigated-against hotel chains, Bob Payne is the editor in chief at BobCarrieson.com, a travel humor and satire site that has been sharing accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock.

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Travel bug?  Find out how bad you have it.

The travel bug will take you to Kaieteur Falls in Guyana.

Ever wondered how seriously you are afflicted with the travel bug?  Although there is no grading,  this  test will make the answer very clear.

You met your spouse:

    1. In grade school.
    2. During Happy Hour at Applebee’s
    3. While being held hostage by the Taliban.

You lost your virginity at:

    1. Seventeen.
    2. A fraternity party.
    3. 30,000 feet.

You have considered converting all your assets to:

  1. Gold
  2. Bit coin.
  3. Frequent flyer miles.

The first words you learn in any language are:

  1. Hello
  2. Thank you.
  3. I’d like a  room farther from the gunfire.

You would be least willing to give up your:

  1. Money.
  2. Life.
  3. Passport.

The place you’ve lived longest is:

  1. The town where you were born.
  2. The town you settled in after college.
  3. Chicago O’Hare, Terminal 5.

You’d never rent a car:

  1. Without getting collision coverage.
  2. In Afghanistan.
  3. You couldn’t sleep in.

Trusting your gut is:

  1. Almost always the right decision.
  2. Usually safer than trusting your government’s Travel Advisories.
  3. A mistake you’ve made in restaurants that cater to backpackers.

Your favorite souvenirs are:

  1. T-shirts.
  2. Refrigerator magnets.
  3. Conversations with strangers.

You always carry:

  1. A spare tube of moisturizer.
  2. About 5 extra pounds, 10 if a buffet is offered.
  3. A list of countries that have no extradition treaty with your own.

The bills and coins tucked away in your underwear drawer add up to:

  1. A tidy nest egg.
  2. Evidence.
  3. A total of $2.34 in 17 currencies.

You would like your obituary to say you died:

  1. In your sleep.
  2. Surrounded by a loving family.
  3. Aboard a flight that went down between Tahiti and Bora Bora.

Your favorite travel companions:

  1. Always pay their fair share.
  2. Don’t mind taking the middle seat.
  3. Are imaginary.

Your most memorable experience at a tropical beach resort involved a:

  1. Romantic interlude.
  2. Luxury spa.
  3. Tsunami warning.

You immediately recognized the photo at the top of the blog, which Bobcarrieson.com editor in chief Bob Payne took in 2009, as:

  1. Niagara Falls, New York
  2. Sioux Falls, Iowa
  3. Kaieteur Falls, Guyana

 

 

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7 things every visitor needs to know about Canada

Canada lumberjack

 

By Bob Payne                                                                         Bigstockphoto.com

Canadians’ well-earned reputation for politeness is believed to be why they so seldom mention, when in conversation with Americans, that Canada is larger than the U.S. by 58,358 square miles.

Few Canadians seem concerned that the national animal is the beaver.

Security at Canada’s southern border is a tumultuous issue, mostly involving Americans who wish to buy prescription drugs more cheaply than they can at home.

The informal name for the Canadian one-dollar coin, the loonie, is not a reference to any political figure.

The struggle players on the game show Jeopardy! often have with any clue related to Canada has never been directly linked to the fact that host Alex Trebek is Canadian.

Cheese and gravy on fries, a popular Canadian dish known as poutine, is visually unappealing only until you compare it to catsup on fries.

Not many lumberjacks have actually performed in a Monty Python skit.

BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne has seldom played the role of lumberjack in any theatrical performance.

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How many of these authentic travel experiences have you tried?

authentic travel experiences watching basket maker

In the luxury travel universe, much is made these days of seeking authentic travel experiences. These seem to be experiences for which you pay so much money that bemused locals are happy to indulge your fantasy that you are “not a tourist, but a traveler.”

Coveted authentic travel experiences include sharing a glass of the latest vintage with a fifth-generation vineyard owner, stepping aboard a private mega-yacht in full view of a busload of envious cruise ship passengers who wonder who you are, and sitting at a tool-ladened workbench with a local artisan (whose day job is painstakingly affixing “Souvenir of …” labels to silver spoons imported from China).

The truth, though, is that authentic travel experiences are nearly universal, often occurring even before you arrive at your destination. Here are a few:

The only notification of your delayed or cancelled flight is written on the wall of the terminal bathroom.

You request early boarding, as your prosthesis entitles you to do, and the airline charges for extra-leg room.

The flight attendant assures you that the snake loose in the overhead bin is not venomous.

The tattoo on the passenger sharing your armrest identifies him as an arm-wrestling champion.

Your young children have to coax you to eat your airline meal.

Your rental car GPS speaks to you in a rude tone of voice.

The desk clerk has the serene demeanor of someone who knows that the big-tipping guests who arrived just before you are happily settling into the room that was meant to be yours.

Your hotel room’s “ocean view” requires an optional telescope.

Your tour guide speaks clear, understandable English, loud enough for you to hear, but you are on the wrong bus.

The person floundering in the wake of your cruise ship looks unnervingly like captain.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne is the editor in chief at BobCarriesOn.com.

 

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