In recent years, airline passengers, more than most people, have found it necessary to make New Year’s resolutions. Here are a few that travel humor writer Bob Payne found it necssary to make for 2013, based on his behavior during 2012.
I will refuse to fly on any airline whose practices I consider abusive, unless the alternative is to go by train, bus, auto, or foot.
I will not complain if a child hits me in the ear with a stuffed animal. I will, however, return the stuffed animal with the head removed.
I will refrain from asking flight attendants if I can have a pillow, blanket, playing cards, junior pilot wings, or call button that works. On certain occasions, though, I will ask for a flight attendant’s phone number. Those occasions will be if I’d like to know how they feel about being awakened in the middle of the night by somebody who tells them they have to put away all eclectonic devices.
If a late-arriving passenger crams his or her carry-on in on top of mine, potentially damaging my laptop, I will not say anything. But after everyone is seated I will slip an alarm clock into the offending bag, set to go off ten minutes into the flight.
As I pass the cockpit door, I will not wave and say, “Hey, it’s me. From rehab.”
I will not pound on the lavatory door just because someone has been in there longer than I consider necessary. Instead I will calmly approach the nearest flight attendant and say, “Do you smell smoke? Coming from the lavatory?”
I will not grouse about fees for talking to a live ticket agent, checking in at the airport, carrying on a bag, extra leg room, or sitting closer to the front of the plane or with my family. But I will charge a $25 fee to get the beverage cart past my seat.
I will not secretly pull an assortment of nuts and bolts out of my carry-on, show them to the annoying person sitting next to me, and say, “I found these under your seat. I wonder if they’re important.”
I will not bring a roast turkey on board and then share it with only some of the other passengers in my vicinity. I will, however, give preference to those passengers who are sharing mashed potatoes and gravy.
I will not wear oversize cowboy hats on flights from Dallas-Fort Worth to Paris. This should be an easy resolution to keep because it is unlikey I will ever be on a flight from Dallas-Fort Worth to Paris
