Grownups, which according to most toddlers is anyone over ten years old, are often no longer capable of enjoying the pleasures of airline travel. No joy for them in kicking the seat in front of you or seeing how far you can throw a juice box. As a result, grownups have very little to teach toddlers about flying, which may be why the two groups of travelers are often so unsettled around each other. That’s why we are presenting these ten tips for airline travel from an actual toddler, based on a lifetime of experience, which is to say 17 months.
Getting acquainted during boarding
As you make way your way down the aisle, offer a handful of Cheerios and a smile to every seated passenger, making note of those who do no respond, should it later become necessary to vomit on someone.
Choosing a special toy
A special toy can be anything – a wooden truck, an electronic game that beeps, and beeps, and beeps, or a tiny stuffed animal that can snuggle comfortably into a less-than-vigilant passenger’s red wine glass. What’s important is that when you want the toy, preferably while the flight attendants are urging everyone to take their seats, one of your parents has just packed it into a carry-on bag and stowed it in the only available overhead bin, twelve rows back from yours.
Snack selection
Soft snacks are best because if you lose interest before you are finished you can use them for early attempts to write your name on the armrest that would otherwise have been occupied by the lady sitting next to you.
If your father claims he couldn’t get seats together
Accept this for what it is: an indication that he’ll probably be out of your life by the time you are ten. However, if another man who isn’t too stinky is sitting next to your mother, there’s nothing wrong with being proactive by allowing her to pretend she doesn’t know you.
Best time to insist on going potty
Right after the seatbelt sign illuminates is ideal, as this will focus maximum attention on the fact that you know how to use a big-person potty. If you are told that you will have to wait, like big people do, one useful way of passing the time is to see if you can stand up on your tray table.
Visiting with other passengers
The best way to meet people in flight is by tottering down the aisle, from armrest to armrest, as if your walking skills are even less developed than they are. If the aisle is also occupied by the drinks cart this can be very entertaining, except to the flight attendants, who will scold you in a manner they usually reserve for grownups. Stand your ground, though, perhaps gathering courage by reminding yourself you are dealing with someone whose annual starting salary was less than $19,000. If that fails, and you must retreat, do it in as dignified a manner as possible, by observing in a voice that’s calm but capable of carrying for at least six or eight rows, “The flight attendant made a stinky.”
Clothing options
The two clothing options are on and off. Use the latter if other forms of entertainment, such as repeatedly pushing the call button, are losing their appeal, or if during preparations for landing no one is paying you the attention life has given you to expect.
Coping with earaches
As painful as earaches can be, there is often nothing you can do about them, except to find some kind of distraction, such as pulling the hair of the passenger in front of you.
If the captain makes an unscheduled stop to remove your family from the plane
This is a moment you will want to help your parents remember for a long time, making it a perfect opportunity to surreptitiously kick off a shoe.
If a grownup has a breakdown in flight and you are implicated
Smile and offer a handful of Cheerios to all involved.
