As a country, America is becoming more and more difficult for visitors to understand. Chaos. Crime. Violence. And that’s just among people running for public office. So here is a brief visitor’s guide to America that should prove helpful to anyone who wants to explore a bit of American history, do some shopping, or just get involved in road rage.
Who are the Americans?
Americans are a culturally confused people who have difficulty with the idea that anyone born in America is a Native American. Instead, they insist that the label applies only to people who complain about having sports teams named after them.
American History
From a legal standpoint, the dumping of tea into Boston Harbor is considered to have been one of the key events in American history, as it set a precedent for the argument that as long as patriotism is evoked, water pollution is acceptable.
Native American Customs
Americans are often delighted to invite strangers into their homes. When this happens, it is considered polite to make an offer. Be aware, however, that if an American invites you into a home he himself does not seem overly familiar with, it is not the custom for guests to help carry out computers, flat-screen TV’s, and other easily disposed of household items.
Getting Around in America
America’s Gross National Product is the automobile. The most popular form of transportation, the automobile is especially esteemed by citizens who recognize the advantages of drive-by shootings.
American Food and Drink
America has two forms of food and drink: For Here and To Go. To demonstrate a more sophisticated palate, it is necessary to voice, in a condescending tone, an understanding of the difference between Tall, Grande and Venti.
Shopping in America
The most sought-after item among shoppers in America is the bargain. When considering popular bargaining practices, many experts question if the discomfort of wearing a stocking mask is worth the additional discount to which it usually entitles the customer.
American Sports
The key to understanding the most popular sports in America, including American football, litigation, and road rage, is to know that much of the action takes place off the field, and sometimes involves guns.
The Arts in America
Most of the world agrees that America’s greatest cinematic achievement has been the car chase scene. They also agree that the violence often portrayed in chase scenes is a telling example of how little respect Americans actually have for their automobiles.
American Education
Looking toward the future, most visitors to America recognize that with the role seen for the U.S. in the new economy, education for American students will not need to be on par with that of students in Asia and Europe. So in that sense, American schools are thought to be performing admirably.
The American Legal System
American law is based on the concept that you are considered guilty until it is proven that someone else involved in the case has more money to go after than you do.
The Responsible Visitor to America
Among the items responsible visitors to the U.S. should not encourage the locals to sell are fur coats, historic landmarks, military secrets, and oil drilling rights in national parks.
Travel Humor Writer Bob Payne is a former member of the American Bar & Grill Association.
