Singapore Airlines supposedly set a record recently for operating the world’s longest flight. It’s listed as 18 hours and 45 minutes, or 9,521 miles, from Newark, New Jersey, to Singapore. But the “experts” who validated the record have it wrong.
Clearly, those “experts” lack an understanding of Einstein’s general and special theories of relativity, which establish that the length of an airline flight is dependent upon such variables as whether you are sitting next to a passenger who is clipping their toenails or how concerned the flight attendants seem to be that the main cabin is filling with smoke.
Based on that criteria it is easy to see that Newark to Singapore is not the world’s longest flight. Here are the real candidates:
Due to a malfunction in the aircraft’s in-flight entertainment system, all channels are showing only The Emoji Movie, on a continuous loop.
A passenger with whom you know you will have to do battle for the armrest has a tattoo on his bicep that says “Let’s settle this like adults.”
Soon after your flight reaches cruising altitude, a passenger one row up opens the overhead bin and removes from his carry-on what appears to be a chain saw.
An onboard protest group calling itself “Occupy Aisle Seats” refuses to let anyone get up to use the lavatories until first class passengers acknowledge the inequality of service between themselves and basic economy.
The constant wailing of an inconsolable baby is only slightly blocked out by the sound of its parents’ snoring.
The cockpit crew accidentally leaves the PA system activated, allowing passengers to hear every verse of “99 Bottles of Beer.”
Flight attendants are half way through the meal service when they realize everyone who asked for the chicken has fallen face first into their tray table.
Your flight is forced to make an emergency landing after somebody’s emotional support animal eats somebody else’s.
The pilot announces that if passengers sitting on the left side of the aircraft look out the window they can watch an engine fall into the sea.
After other passengers use physical force to restrain him, a still-struggling man claims all he said was “I’ve got a mom.”
