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As Iceland mulls name change, other nations dream of following suit

 

Perhaps they are concerned that their island nation has an overly icy image. Or perhaps they have a lot of time on their hands, especially through the long northern winters. But an Icelandic tourism agency is soliciting new names for the country that apparently remains a thousand years miffed that their original search software did not come up with Greenland.

You can see some of the names — Geyserland, Niceland, Financial Insolvency Land — on the agency’s Inspired by Iceland website, although agency spokesman Bob Payne said that due to a technical problem one of the leading candidates, OMGWTFLAND, which is believed to come from the ancient Icelandic language, did not appear.

“The computers had some trouble translating it, although the consensus seems to be that it means, “Man’s Best Friend On A First Date Is A Hot Spring Land,” said Payne.

Payne said that suggestions for new names have been coming in from all over the world, and that a surprising number of people wanted to know how they could do the same for their country.

“The prime minister of Canada has called twice,” Payne said.

According to e-mail tallies, about half a dozen countries seemed the most keen on a name change. They included:

Bosnia & Herzegovina

Although often remembered for the bloody civil war that followed the breakup of Yugoslavia in 1992, Bosnia & Herzegovina has a mountain landscape and a deep-rooted culture that draw many admiring visitors. Tourism developers would like to take advantage of that, perhaps using a theme-park model that might be reflected in the current favorite choice for a new name: Disney & Herzegovina

Chad

Among the world’s poorest and most corrupt nations, the Republic of Chad, with neighbors like Libya and Sudan and coups happening only slightly less frequently than soccer games, is about as lawless as a country can be and still have a nominally functioning government. President Idriss Derby, who e-mailed Iceland’s Bob Payne so often that a spam-filter had to be set up to block him, would like, though, to bring some order to things, and believes a good way to begin would be a name change putting miscreants on notice that they would no longer be tolerated in: Hanging Chad.

Andorra

As one of the smallest of European nations, necessitating such a miniaturization of everything that tourists naturally say, “Awe, how cute,” the financially savvy business interests of Andorra see no reason not to profit from that by changing their country’s name to Andorrable.

Turkey

Many countries around the world feel they have been shackled with a two-name label — Bosnia & Herzegovina, St. Kitts & Nevis, Antigua & Barbuda, Sao Tome & Principe, Great Britain. But Turkey, long having to go it alone against any number of outside adversaries, chief among them the troublemakers who so aggressively insist that a shot-size cup, filled with a dark sludge of grounds and topped with a dozen or so spoons of sugar, is not Turkish coffee but Greek coffee, feels differently. For centuries, they have dreamed of a name that requires an ampersand. Which is why to a nation who sees themselves as having a much more sophisticated palate than their Aegean neighbor, the popular choice is Turkey & Cheese.

The Congo

Another troubled African nation, The Republic of The Congo would especially welcome a name change, not only to help differentiate it from its neighbor, The Democratic Republic of the Congo, but to let potential visitors know that it is a nation of people who despite past violence do like to party. That’s why they think that even though the spelling is a slight variant of the original Cuban, the perfect choice for them would be The Congo Line.

Canada

Forget about blending their vowel sounds, or sewing Canadian flags to their backpacks, or saying sorry during just about any interaction that doesn’t involve hockey. What do these neighbors to the north of the U.S. really wish the name of their nation to be? The United States. Eh?

When he is not working on marketing campaigns for Iceland,  which have won awards for their lukewarmness, humor travel writer Bob Payne is the editor in chief of BobCarriesOn.com.

 

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In aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, Manhattan plans six new waterfront hotels

The Hurricane Sandy storm surge washing through the streets of Lower Manhattan this week has accelerated plans for the construction of at least a half dozen waterfront hotels in New York City at locations that have historically been dry land, according to the development group Big Apple Beach Resorts.

“Obviously, we’d been thinking about the possibilities presented by rising waters, as so many developers have,” said Big Apple Beach Resorts spokesman Bob Payne. “But none of our New York waterfront hotels were scheduled to begin construction until at least 2025, the projected date for Fox News to begin warning people about Global Warming.”

What’s changed, Payne told a reporter for BobCarriesOn.com, is the attitude of New York’s city officials, some of whom waded through waist-deep water to bring messages of encouragement to Big Apple Beach Resorts’ Wall Street offices.

“When it comes to the give and take of the permitting process I think we’ll have an unprecedented level of city support, especially among those officials who we let use our power outlets to re-charge their mobile devices during the storm,” Payne said.

According to Payne, the first of the Big Apple Beach Resorts will include:

Beaches Wall Street

This will be a resort geared for families, especially those from Brazil, Russian, China, and India, who will want to tie up their yachts to the statues of some of America’s financial giants soon to be standing knee-deep in the sand. Among Beaches Wall Street’s many family-oriented attractions will be one of the largest outdoor waterslides in Lower Manhattan, and for an additional charge, deep sea fishing from every balcony.

The Palm & Pawn Villas of Lower Manhattan

Meant to harmonize closely with its surroundings, the Palm & Pawn will offer, often for the price of a watch you don’t really need anymore, a sense of the Manhattan lost. It will have the area’s only 18-hole golf course, with each hole stunningly located on the top of one of the city’s highest remaining buildings. Scuba divers will especially like this hotel, which, although on the side of Manhattan most exposed to the direct force of the Atlantic Ocean, will be protected by a reef composed of the world’s largest collection of discarded truck tires. For truly adventurous, the hotel’s concierge will be able to arrange a scuba tour of former subway tunnels.

Sandy’s  South Street Sunny Sands

The otherwise delightful beach originally carved out by Hurricane Sandy  in front of the Sunny Sands might often be strewn with more debris, including crumpled lottery tickets, dog excrement, and formerly high-ranking members of organized crime, than most visitors would prefer. But cheap labor resulting from the no doubt continuing downward spiral of the national economy will make it possible for the hotel to employ a full-time clean-up staff who will maintain the beach from dawn until it is no longer safe to be out in the evening.

Seaside Inn at the New York Stock Exchange

For hundreds of years, when it was known as the Mountaintop Inn, this AAA-rated property was the gathering place for Manhattan’s financial upper crust.  Then, there was a long decline, when it was overrun by day traders. Now, though, it will be returned to its former glory. Among other guests you’ll find English so common that you’ll forget you are in post-deluvian New York. And barefoot staff will wear smiles that disguise the fact they’d rather be wearing shoes, if they could afford them.

Financial District Waterfront Resort and Spa

Its prime location in the landing pattern of Newark Liberty Airport will make this ultra-ritzy accommodation popular with jet setters. A special feature will be stunning views of that part of the Statue of Liberty still above water. Hotel beach services will include towels, umbrellas, and, when the police are otherwise occupied, massages.

Battery Park Overwater Bungalows

Offering some of the first thatch-roof overwater accommodations in the New York metropolitan area, this 17-room enclave of serenity will overlook the shallow waters of Battery Park, which are ideal for swimming, windsurfing, and snorkeling among the remnants of abandoned cars. Reachable only by small boat, it will feature gambling in the form of whether you’ll be able to flag down a water taxi. There will be no telephones, but that is expected to be the case with most Lower Manhattan properties, most of the time.

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Zombie attacks air passengers, survivors grateful for extra legroom

In an aviation first, a zombie attack occurred aboard a commercial airliner today. It was a scene of horror worse than even passengers who routinely fly in the most uncomfortable coach seats, with the most restrictive fares, could recall experiencing in some time.

The plane, a Boeing 767 with 173 passengers aboard, at the start, was about half way through a six-hour flight from New York to Los Angeles when the attack occurred. Survivors recall that a woman near the back of the plane began screaming to the man next to her that being unhappy because he was stuck in the middle seat didn’t give him the right to dismember people.

The woman was the first of dozens of victims, many of whom had been waiting for the rear lavatories and did not run following the initial attack for fear of losing their place in line.

“Those of us who survived were really lucky,” said coach passenger Bob Payne, of Pelham Manor, New York, who had been in row 36-E. “If it hadn’t been for some of the things in our carry-on’s we’d forgotten to check, like machetes, calvary swords, and one fellow’s chain saw, I don’t know what we would have done.”

Payne said he’d noticed the man during boarding. “He was snarling and snapping at people, and dragging himself down the aisle, pushing a carry-on the size of a body bag. But you see a lot of that these days, so I didn’t think much of it.”

As soon as the rampage started, a flight-attendant, Enola Swift, who had escaped with only the loss of a leg, hopped up to the cockpit and explained the situation to the captain, who after checking to make sure the cockpit door was secure immediately requested that he be allowed to make an emergency landing.

“Unfortunately,” the captain later told reporters, “There was already a hijacking taking place on Southwest; a United flight had a family with a child who wouldn’t stay in his seat; and an American cabin crew had taken over a plane and was forcing everyone onboard to watch them perform a scene from Les Miserables. So air traffic control told us all available controllers were busy assisting other pilots and we’d have to continue on to L.A. as scheduled.”

Flight attendant Swift said that some passengers quietly accepted what was going on, as many usually do, and just seemed happy, as the people around them had the marrow sucked out of their bones, for the extra leg room. But others, Swift said, especially those whose assault had turned them into zombies, too, were almost unmanageable.

“They were banging on the call buttons, stacking the beverage carts with arms and legs and pushing them up and down the aisles, even smoking in the lavatories.”

The most difficult to deal with, Swift said, were the children. “Take an already cranky kid and turn it into a zombie, and that’s a flight attendant’s worst nightmare. I hope I never see that kind of behavior again.”

At the carnage continued, the surviving crew retreated to the forward cabin, which up until then had remained zombie free, and were able to temporarily keep their attackers at bay by pulling the curtain closed and making an announcement to remind coach passengers they were not permitted in First Class.

“Finally, though, they pushed in anyway and we were still fending them off (thank goodness for that chain saw) when the plane pulled into the gate, where we were met by a customer service representative,” Swift said.

Mobbed by reporters after deplaning, passenger Payne said that as horrifying as the ordeal had been he couldn’t help feeling sorry for the original zombie and the others he had turned into monsters.

“Watching as a First Class passenger who had been complaining about the noise was attacked by a horde of zombies and then stuffed down the toilet in the forward lavatory, you knew that deep within those tortured soles there was still some faint spark of humanity.”

In the aftermath of the incident, the nation’s airlines have come together as a group and quickly moved to reassure an on-edge flying public that any passenger who missed a connecting flight as a result of dismemberment or other major injuries would be reimbursed, upon presentation of receipts, for all meal, accommodation, and medical expenses, up to $25.

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What’s still flying at New York area airports? Luggage carts, terminal signs, Rosetta Stone sales associates.

In an attempt to help keep the flying public fully apprised of what’s happening as a result of Hurricane Sandy, the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which operates JFK, LaGuardia, and Newark Liberty airports, issued a 10:00 A.M. EST bulletin with a list of what is expected to remain flying over the next 36-48 hours.

The list, according to Port Authority spokesman Bob Payne, includes the following:

Wadded up tickets, terminal signage, luggage carts, drug-sniffing dogs, skycap uniforms, Rosetta Stone retail sales associates, children who refuse to hold their mother’s hand, catering trucks, taxi cabs, inter-terminal buses, and airport parking toll booths.

Payne said the list does not include items normally found aloft at area airports, such as seagulls, baggage handlers, and flight attendant uniforms.

“We’ll be issuing a list update at 2 p.m.,” Payne said. “And should have word by then on whether it will include the Newark Liberty control tower.”

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As breakfasts shrink, B&B’s may have to call themselves Bed & Bananas

With a continued weak economy forcing B&B’s to put less and less on the breakfast table, some consumer groups are beginning to argue that these small inns should have to identify themselves by a name that more accurately reflects what they are offering.

“It could be Bed & Banana, Bed & Bagel, Bed & Bowl of Cereal, or, based on what we’ve been seeing more and more of, Bed & Boot Out the Door,” said one advocate, Bob Payne, of the Coalition for Something More than Juice and a Roll. “We just don’t think B&B owners have the right to call it something it’s not, any more than airlines have the right to call something leg room when clearly it isn’t.”

Payne said his group is in no way anti-B&B and has in fact been working closely with B&B owners, sticking with suggestions for alternative names that would not require B&B owners to order new stationery.

“And we are working with them in other ways, too,” Payne said. “For instance we’ve acknowledged the importance of Mom & Pop operations by showing owners how they can better profit in these difficult times by cutting out free night stays, or even discounts, for their parents.”

In related news, the Bacon Council of America and the Association of  Burrito Makers have both indicated they think the B&B idea might have merit.

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Convenience store owners concerned by American Airlines plan to hire new flight attendants

The announcement by American Airlines that it plans to hire 1,500 new flight attendants to replace the more highly paid ones it is getting rid of has raised an alarm with convenience store owners across the nation.

“It’s a case of poaching, pure and simple,” claims convenience store spokesperson, Bob Payne, who says he is already getting reports that convenience store clerks who would normally be using their breaks to filch items from store shelves are now instead filling out flight attendant application forms.

“The fear in the industry,” Payne said, “is that the perceived glamour of a flight attendant job will create an allure too strong for many convenience store clerks to overcome, even though a starting flight attendant gets paid less.”

Payne said convenience store owners feel doubly ill-treated because many of the skills they spend weeks training their employees for – dispensing beverages, keeping certain doors locked, differentiating a normally angry customer from a deranged one — are just the skills the airlines are seeking, too.

In related news, a report just out shows that the number of American Airlines pilots who are applying for jobs at convenience stores is at an all-time high.

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