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News Travel Humor

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Overly polite TSA agent causes JFK shutdown

JFK’s Terminal 4 was shut down for more than two hours yesterday following an incident that resulted from a poorly trained TSA agent accidentally saying “please” when asking a passenger to remove his shoes.

“I knew something wasn’t right when the guy failed to say anything about my garden rake,” said the passenger involved, Bob Payne, a yard equipment salesman from Pelham, New York.

Then, when the agent politely asked Payne to remove his shoes he said he was so shocked he involuntarily cried out, not realizing how much it would upset the chicken that the man behind him had in his carry-on, or that the drug-sniffing dogs would go after the chicken so aggressively.

“I can tell you all hell broke loose,” Payne said, “with just random passengers, including one old lady in a wheelchair, wrestling to the ground anyone who looked suspicious to them.”

A TSA supervisor on the scene said security experts were able to instantly run a background check on the agent involved, and discovered he’d been on the job less than a week. The check revealed, too, that he had previously worked distributing The Watchtower magazine for the Jehovah’s Witnesses. ”And sources tell us that’s a group notorious for programming its people to be polite to every member of the public.”

The supervisor said the agent had been put on administrative leave until he could be more thoroughly trained in proper TSA procedures. “He should be back at work by this afternoon,” the supervisor said.

In other news at JFK, a cash–strapped organization that looks after the health and welfare of airport employees announced it finally had the resources to hold the raffle they’d been planning for months. The prize, an organization spokesperson said, would be a chicken.

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Presidential debate makes clear the importance of hotel pillow menus

After watching the presidential debates, about the only thing most observers could agree on was that the candidates needed a good night’s sleep. To help with that, one hotel, New York City’s The Benjamin, has added a set of presidential selections to their pillow menu. Chosen by the Benjamin’s  Sleep Concierge, they are designed specifically for the Democratic and Republican hopefuls, but will also be available to hotel guests through election night, although the hotel has added a disclaimer that they will not be responsible for any politically inspired pillow fights.

Barack Obama’s selection, the environmentally friendly Pillo1 (TM) , is designed for optimal alignment no matter where stress might be coming from, while Mitt Romney’s, The Boomerang, is constructed to provide maximum support of any position and protection against any remarks he makes that might come back to cause him trouble.

While BobCarriesOn.com fully endorses any effort that has the potential to cause some ruckus in a hotel bed chamber, we feel The Benjamin has not gone far enough. There should be a selection of pillows that commemorate not only the current candidates but some of our most notable past presidents, as well. A few of those presidents, and their pillows, might include:

George Washington — The Executive Traveler — Designed in honor of a president known for sleeping just about everywhere, this compact model can be easily concealed beneath a greatcoat when checking out, then produced again when a quick nap is in order during chilly night-time crossings of the Delaware.

Abraham Lincoln — Honestly, Abe — He was the great Emancipator, and a wit to boot, but to truly reflect this president you’d want a pillow made of sturdy, inexpensive materials capable of standing up well to hotel guests who act like they were brought up in a log cabin.

Herbert Hoover — One Hundred Percent, All Natural, Feather Filled — As the president who famously promised “a chicken in every pot,” it is only right that Hoover be remembered with a pillow that could have made good use of all the chicken feathers his policy produced.

Franklin Roosevelt — No Pest Pillow — A fearless leader whose ringing words helped get the nation through difficult times, FDR would be happy to know the specially-treated pillow named for him means that no hotelier should ever have to say, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And bed bugs.”

Bill Clinton — Tagged for Evidence — Ideal for recalling a president who never quite understood that when Abraham Lincoln proclaimed “Four Score” he wasn’t bragging about the number of illicit relationships he’d had in the Oval Office.

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Chickens, cattle, pigs, extremely agitated over testing of airline bio-fuels based on animal fat

Sheep outside plane window

As airlines look for ways to reduce the environmental impact of jet fuel, livestock around the world are becoming increasingly concerned that they may be the answer.

“We knew pigs would eventually fly,” an activist for the affected animals said. “But we never imagined it would be in the fuel tank of an Airbus.”

In fact, animal-fat fired jet engines are already a reality.  Some airlines, aiming to reduce their carbon footprint by up to ten percent, have conducted experimental flights using bio-fuels based on the fatty waste of meat and poultry production.

“With the exception of a higher than usual number of complaints about chicken feathers in the cabin, passengers haven’t even noticed,” one airline spokesman said.

But the animals have certainly been paying attention. Across a broad political spectrum, they are beginning to fight back. Some have joined the ranks of those campaigning for increased use of wind and solar energy, while others have been seen in the halls of Congress on behalf of the coal and oil industries.

A particularly bellicose group of bulls, who between them probably weigh in with enough lard to get a 767 from New York to Los Angeles, have even suggested looking farther down the food chain, toward algae “and other pond scum,” which, it might be noted, have excellent bio-fuel potential but relatively little lobbying power.

There have been some upsides to the concern animals are feeling
over the bio-fuel issue, among them a new willingness to shed excess body fat by attending aerobics classes on a  more regular basis.

“We are helping ourselves, and the petro-chemical companies, which is a win-win, from my point of view,” said a relatively trim-looking porker who was grunting his way through a workout on an elliptical trainer at a fashionable gym on New York’s Upper East Side.

The only affected animals who have showed no concern are the sheep, who throughout the crisis have acted like sheep, some even continuing to fly coach.

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Feeling pressure of new tourism realities, Caribbean nations begin teaching parrots to speak Chinese

With reports showing that the Chinese now rank among the world’s most frequently traveled and biggest spending tourists, the Caribbean Tourism Organization (CT0) has announced a bold new initiative aimed at capturing a lucrative share of that market. Nations throughout the Caribbean have begun teaching parrots the Chinese for such useful phrases as “Polly want a spring roll?”

“This has the potential to be even more successful than our campaign to attract cruise ship visitors,” said a CTO spokesperson during an unveiling ceremony which was marred only slightly when one of the parrots on display performed an act of amputation on the Prime Minister of Barbados, who had been warned not to stick his finger in the cage.

“As studies show, the Chinese far outspend cruise ship visitors,” the spokesperson said, adding that so did parrots, for that matter.

Despite its potential for success, early testing of the program has indicated there are a number of challenges to overcome, mostly relating to cultural misunderstandings.

“The major difficulty,” the spokesperson said, “has been getting the Chinese to accept that the parrots are not being offered as a menu item.”

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Obama, Romney debate row versus wade, other cruise-travel issues

The Obama-Romney presidential debates will no doubt affect the outcome of the November election and help determine the direction of America for the next four years. But the travel humor site BobCarriesOn.com, building on its reputation for being out in front of politically-related travel news since before Washington crossed the Potomac, was able to get both men together earlier in the year for a lively discussion on issues of even more importance to many of us – issues that effect cruise travel.

To show how much the two candidates are in touch with the pulse of the American voter, the meeting took place aboard a new Italian cruise ship, the MSC Divina, which was on its maiden voyage from St. Nazaire in France through the Straits of Gibraltar to Marseille, where it would be christened before beginning a season of Mediterranean itineraries. In virtual form, Obama and Romney appeared aboard the ship as guests of the humor website’s Chief White House Correspondent, Bob Payne, who has known both men since their college days, when the three of them may or may not have been held for questioning at the U.S. border following an attempt to sneak an undocumented Irish setter into the country by strapping it to the top of a wood-paneled station wagon.

Romney accepted the invitation, according to Payne, because he felt he would be able to count it as foreign policy experience, and Obama agreed to participate in the hope he could be Photoshopped into images of the christening in such a manner that it looked as if the crowd was cheering for him.

For much of the cruise, the candidates prepped for the debate and spent time getting to know each other in a way not usually possible on the campaign trail, in large part because a shortfall in the BobCarriesOn.com travel budget made it necessary for the two men to share a cabin.

Despite the forced intimacy, the president and the former governor got along surprisingly well. Romney only once made an unkind remark when, after Obama found himself suffering from a slight touch of sea-sickness off the coast of Spain, the Republican hopeful could not help from commenting “Now that’s what I call a green president.” And Obama could not let a similar opportunity go by when, after Romney went pale during a poolside session with the Divina’s activities staff, the president said, “They are going to personally introduce us to water sliding, Mitt, not water boarding.”

The debate itself was held on the one day the Divina spent entirely at sea so that neither candidate would have to miss an opportunity for shore-side bus rides. The event was held at the ship’s pool, allowing debate attendees to multitask.  Here is a glimpse at how it went:

BCO: Imagine that the brand new Divina is far out in the Atlantic, and despite the best efforts of a shipyard workforce that spends 35 hours a week on the job, gets seven weeks of paid vacation, and retires early, the 3,502-passenger ship is leaking, and in danger of sinking. Would you allow it to be bailed out?

Obama: As a civilized society, we have a moral obligation to help out any sinking ship, at almost any cost. In return, of course, a government agency would need to take over at least 60 percent ownership, and the folks on board would have to do at least some of the bailing themselves.

Romney: Are those shipyard workers unionized?

BCO: Assume the ship is anchored in shallow water just off the French coast. You want to go ashore, but you know the news cameras are focused on you, and you know how touchy Europeans can be about environmental issues. So you want to depart in what appears to be the most earth-friendly way possible. Give us an argument for Row versus Wade.

Obama: The type of departure, or arrival, is not what’s important. What’s important is that every cruise passenger, whether paying full price for a superior ocean-view balcony suite or getting up to 82% off for an interior cabin somewhere down in the bowels of the ship, should have the freedom of choice. And it should be a private choice, between no one but the passenger and the person on the other end of the 800 line.

Romney: What Mr. Obama doesn’t tell you is that I had the same position he does. Until I changed it.

BCO:  In their promotional literature, the Italian company that owns the Divina uses the phrase “We’ve taken care of everything for you.” As you know, that includes accommodation, dining, entertainment, fitness, relaxation, and transfers, all for one price. Does that kind of European-style social welfare have a place on a cruise ship?

Obama: Around the White House we don’t think of it as European-style social welfare. We think of it as providing the kind of necessary infrastructure and services folks will remember, especially at election time.

Romney: Even transfers?

BCO: One of the features of the Divina is the MSC Yacht Club, the exclusive area of the ship where we are and where your deluxe cabin is. On occasion, however, passengers who are not Yacht Club members have been seen slipping into the Yacht Club and even availing themselves of items from the desert tray during the afternoon tea service. Should some kind of barrier be built to keep them out?

Obama: I am opposed to any kind of barrier, because as experience has shown us, no matter how high, wide, or deep it is, folks will find a way around it whenever deserts are involved, especially that chocolate-dipped biscotti the crew has been putting out.

Romney: There are other passengers on the ship?

BCO: During one of the supervised activities at the Kids Club a child falls overboard. The ship could turn around to get him but it would mean having to cut short the shopping excursion planned for the next port. Based on that scenario, what are your views on “No child left behind.”?

Obama: When considering a question of this complexity it is critical to weigh all points of view before proceeding. How long would it take to turn the ship around? Are any special discounts being offered during the shopping excursion? How much would the cruise be enhanced for passengers who prefer not to see children on board?

Romney: In my family we were brought up to believe you leave no one behind. Even if you have to tie them to the roof.

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Airlines suspend plans to charge fees for wearing hats in coach

In a move seen as an attempt to calm the anger of airline passengers who are growing increasingly resentful about what some see as the out-of-hand increase in add-on fees, most of the major airlines announced today that they have set aside plans to charge a fee for hats worn in coach class.

The fee would have been $25 per hat and an additional $25 for any emblazoned with the slogan “Party like its 1776.”

The only holdout among the airlines was Southwest, which maintained that it will go ahead with plans to charge the $25, but only for cowboy hats, with an extra $25 added on flights between Dallas and Houston.

The add-on fee would not have applied to first class passengers or to the cockpit crew.

This post originally appeared on the wall of  the now inactive facebook group “We are wearing a hat in our facebook photo, or admire people who do.”

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