Advice - BobCarriesOn

December 18, 2016December 19, 2016

Longest flights ranked by who sits next to you

Hipster man seat mate on longest flights

Airlines, for reasons most people find incomprehensible, like to boast of record-setting non-stop flights, ranked by hours in the air. The longest flights are currently claimed to be around 17 hours, although as every passenger knows, the real duration of a flight is determined by who sits next to you. The very longest flights include those on which your seatmate is:

Positive you said you would shut the oven off.

Struggling with issues of bladder control.

Louder than an accompanying child.

Returning from a wedding, with photos.

Demonstrably capable of reciting pi to 3,764 places.

Attempting to assemble an unidentifiable electronic device.

Recently retired, from sumo wrestling.

Watching an X-rated movie, you’ve already seen.

Shackled, but not gagged.

Dead.

April 25, 2016April 29, 2016

Airsickness Bags: Everything you need to know, but were afraid to ask

ELAG Photo

Do airplanes still carry airsickness bags?

Yes. According to the Wall Street Journal, the airlines use about 20 million a year. But the numbers may be decreasing, because as a cost-savings measure some airlines no longer put airsickness bags in every seatback, but instead keep a supply in the galley. If a passenger needs a bag they have to ask a flight attendant. The shortcoming of this system becomes most obvious during turbulence severe enough that the pilot asks flight attendants to take their seats.

Why shouldn’t you use airsickness bags to store things in?

If the passenger who occupied your seat just before you spent the flight clipping their nails or picking their nose, where would the evidence of those activities most likely end up?

**What other uses can airsickness bags be put to?**

As finger puppets and ad space, mailers for illicit drugs, carrying the ashes of a family member you had issues with, and, most effectively, as stationary for unequivocal goodbye notes. They are also very popular among collectors, except for the bags found aboard U.S. aircraft, which are almost uniformly, generically, white.

What kind of person collects airsickness bags?

A person like Steve “Upheave” Silverberg, whose Airsickness Bag Virtual Museum has 2,806 exhibits. Among their collecting friends, who are often their only friends, they almost universally call themselves baggists.

Is Steve’s the world’s largest collection of airsickness bags?

Not even close. According to Guinness World Records, a Dutchman named Niek Vermeulen has the largest collection of airsickness bags: 6,290 from 1,191 airlines. However, American Bruce Kelly appears to have a collection of 6,473 bags, from 1,370 airlines. As they are constantly adding to their collections, it is hard to tell at any given time who is the record-holder. But the fact that Kelly, very unusually for a collector, developed his interest in airsickness bags while barfing into them aboard bush planes in rural Alaska, where he lives, gives him a standing one is inclined to pull for.

What’s the most sought-after airsickness bag?

From Air Force One, imprinted with the Presidential Seal, and purported to exist only in a scene from the film Independence Day.

Are airsickness bags all the same size?

No. In 2007, Virgin Atlantic created an airsickness bag so big it could have been used for smuggling children aboard. Bright red, it was printed with a long message that began: “How did air travel become so bloody awful?”

Who invented the airsickness bag?

Gilmore Schieldahl, of Esmond, North Dakota, is widely credited with creating a plastic-lined bag for Northwest Airlines in 1949. Among Schieldahl’s many inventions, which included an early communications satellite launched by NASA, the airsickness bag is said to be the one he was least happy to remembered for.

Is there a top-ten list of websites devoted to airsickness bags?

Of course. Look for it here. But be warned that it does contain verse.

April 18, 2016

Most expensive way to travel across America?

A study recently conducted by BobCarriesOn.com, a website that has been sharing accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock, has concluded that the most expensive way to travel across America is on foot.

According to figures from BobCarriesOn, the average total expense for an economy-class cross-country flight, which takes six hours, is $451, or $.15 per mile, while a cross-country walker, taking 46 days, would spend a minimum of $6,440, or $2.15 per mile.

“What the study clearly shows,” says Bob Payne, chief analyst for BobCarriesOn.com, “is that for coast to coast travel across America only the wealthy can afford to walk.”

Figures used in the study are based on a per diem or daily allowance rate set by the U.S. General Services Administration (GSA) to determine how much a person would be expected to spend when traveling. According to the GSA, a day away from home averages $89 for lodging and $51 for meals, or a total for the day of $140, although there is some variation to account for days in more expensive cities, or jail.

Another finding of the study, Payne said, is that if your goal is to travel across America coast to coast for the least money possible, taking the bus is your best alternative. Cost for the three-day journey is about $361 for the fare and other expenses, or $.12 per mile, although that does not count the likely possibility of being mugged on your way to or from the bus station, which will almost invariably be in the worst part of town.

“When traveling coast to coast across America, the only time you are more likely to be assaulted than you are near a bus station is going through security at an airport,” Payne said.

What it costs to travel across America coast to coast

Bus* 3 days $361 $ .14/mile

Train ** 3 days $441 $ .17/mile

Bicycle 8 days $1,120 $ .44/mile

Auto *** 60 hrs $1,880 $ .73/mile

Afoot 46 days $6,440 $ 2.51/mile

*Assumes sleeping on bus, but with one eye open.

**Assumes sleeping on train, but not, unless things go unexpectedly well, in sleeping car.

***Includes GSA mileage allowance of .58/mile; legal speed limit, mostly.

April 14, 2016April 14, 2016

A VISITOR’S GUIDE TO AMERICA

Visitor's guide America. Senior woman on scooter showing road rage

As a country, America is becoming more and more difficult for visitors to understand. Chaos. Crime. Violence. And that’s just among people running for public office. So here is a brief visitor’s guide to America that should prove helpful to anyone who wants to explore a bit of American history, do some shopping, or just get involved in road rage.

Who are the Americans?

Americans are a culturally confused people who have difficulty with the idea that anyone born in America is a Native American. Instead, they insist that the label applies only to people who complain about having sports teams named after them.

American History

From a legal standpoint, the dumping of tea into Boston Harbor is considered to have been one of the key events in American history, as it set a precedent for the argument that as long as patriotism is evoked, water pollution is acceptable.

Native American Customs

Americans are often delighted to invite strangers into their homes. When this happens, it is considered polite to make an offer. Be aware, however, that if an American invites you into a home he himself does not seem overly familiar with, it is not the custom for guests to help carry out computers, flat-screen TV’s, and other easily disposed of household items.

Getting Around in America

America’s Gross National Product is the automobile. The most popular form of transportation, the automobile is especially esteemed by citizens who recognize the advantages of drive-by shootings.

American Food and Drink

America has two forms of food and drink: For Here and To Go. To demonstrate a more sophisticated palate, it is necessary to voice, in a condescending tone, an understanding of the difference between Tall, Grande and Venti.

Shopping in America

The most sought-after item among shoppers in America is the bargain. When considering popular bargaining practices, many experts question if the discomfort of wearing a stocking mask is worth the additional discount to which it usually entitles the customer.

American Sports

The key to understanding the most popular sports in America, including American football, litigation, and road rage, is to know that much of the action takes place off the field, and sometimes involves guns.

The Arts in America

Most of the world agrees that America’s greatest cinematic achievement has been the car chase scene. They also agree that the violence often portrayed in chase scenes is a telling example of how little respect Americans actually have for their automobiles.

American Education

Looking toward the future, most visitors to America recognize that with the role seen for the U.S. in the new economy, education for American students will not need to be on par with that of students in Asia and Europe. So in that sense, American schools are thought to be performing admirably.

The American Legal System

American law is based on the concept that you are considered guilty until it is proven that someone else involved in the case has more money to go after than you do.

The Responsible Visitor to America

Among the items responsible visitors to the U.S. should not encourage the locals to sell are fur coats, historic landmarks, military secrets, and oil drilling rights in national parks.

Travel Humor Writer Bob Payne is a former member of the American Bar & Grill Association.

July 24, 2015March 15, 2016

6 foods that help airline passengers retain armrest space

As airline passengers know, one of the biggest annoyances when flying is having to fight for armrest space. But a simple solution, says Bob Payne, Director of Olfactory Experiences for the International Air Transport Association, is for passengers to bring aboard meals and snacks so odoriferous that passengers in the adjoining seats will be more than willing to give up as much elbow room as possible.

“While a small number of passengers [all now on the Terrorist Watchlist] have complained, we are finding that claiming the arm rests by olfactory means is far more benign than the barbed wire, electric-shock devices, and sharpened pencils through the back of the hand that some passengers have employed,” said Payne.

The most effective olfactory space-makers tend to be exotic food items such as Durian, an Asian fruit that is banned from many of that regions airlines, fermented fish, such as Swedish surstromming and Norwegian lutefisk, and fermented bean dishes, including Japanese natto and Korean doenjang, all of which have been described as possessing the aroma of Third World sewage systems on the occasions when they are working even less effectively than usual.

Yet while the exotics can be difficult to get hold of for U.S. and European flights (Spirit Airlines and Ryanair both offer them for an add-on fee), some excellent alternatives are easily available. Here are six of Payne’s favorites:

Over-ripe Cheese

Among the best are Limburger, which is particularly effective when paired with onions, Epoisses, which is banned from public transport throughout France, and Stinking Bishop, which in Britain is said to have a centuries-long tradition of raising the dead.

Tuna Fish

Any fish will do, but tuna is especially evocative of the sanitary facilities of a Grand Banks trawler.

Curry

A nice curry dish heavy on the cumin, coriander, and fenugreek works like a charm for extending your personal space to clear across the aisle and at least two rows in either direction.

Mexican Food

From beans to onions, the ingredients of a suitably malodorous burrito can drive even the most territorial fellow passenger flat up against the window.

Certain Vegetables

Cooked broccoli, cabbage, and asparagus, especially if packed in an insulated container that keeps them warm, exude a smell that says “”What’s it to ya?” To really insure some real estate, ask a flight attendant if he or she will reheat them for you. They won’t, but the possibility will have other passengers begging that the oxygen masks be dropped.

Carbonated Beverages

The stealth fighter of the armrest wars, carbonated beverages cause bloating and, combined with gas-producing foods like Mexican fare and the above-mentioned veggies, create a cone of flatulence that will keep other passengers at a respectful distance all the way into the arrival terminal.

Along with his responsibilities at the IATA, humor writer Bob Payne blogs forTupperware Brands, which he claims sponsored this post.

BigStock Photo

May 29, 2015June 16, 2015

Six places to see in Detroit before you die

Should you unexpectedly find yourself in Detroit because of a diverted flight or a wrong turn off the interstate here’s a guide to every place you will want to see, quickly.

Detroit Metro Airport

Departures with Delta and Spirit Airlines help make Detroit Metro the 44^th busiest airport in the world. Popular dining options are to go. Insider Tip: For overnight visitors, be aware that the onsite Westin Hotel does not routinely check for concealed weapons.

Amtrak Station Building

Wolverine Service transports rail passengers from Detroit’s Amtrak Station Building at 11 W Baltimore Ave, to Chicago’s Union Station. One-way fares are as low as $49, which travelers using the waiting room are advised to keep in their shoe until the ticket is purchased. Insider Tip: Do not make the sometimes-fatal mistake of confusing the Amtrak Station Building with the Michigan Central Station, which ceased to be a rail depot in 1988 when Amtrak halted service there.

Detroit Greyhound Station

Although the Detroit Greyhound Station is located in one of Detroit’s less upscale neighborhoods, fatal shootings at the station itself happen only occasionally. Visitors should not, however, arrive between the hours of midnight and 1:30 a.m. when the station is closed, but other neighborhood businesses are not. Insider Tip: Greyhound Express Service can have you in Los Angeles in as quickly as 2 days 6 hours, 35 minutes, not including delays due to traffic or having to remove disruptive passengers.

I-75 North

For visiting motorists this interstate highway, which travels through the heart of urban Detroit and north to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, can be surprisingly safe, as the congestion that often frustrates anyone hoping for a quick escape discourages carjackers. Insider Tip: Do be aware that due to Detroit’s economic condition congested highways are becoming less of a factor.

Detroit-Windsor Truck Ferry Terminal

Visitors planning to make use of the Detroit-Windsor Truck Ferry are advised to arrive by truck. The ferry goes only five times a day, but in twenty minutes passengers are not only out of Detroit but also out of the U.S. Insider Tip: Overland travelers whose bags contain hazardous or radioactive materials will find this an especially convenient departure route, as all such materials are banned from the Ambassador Bridge and Detroit-Windsor Tunnel.

Detroit Police Department Central District Police Station

Visitor’s who have been the victim of a crime in the Detroit area should report to this station, conveniently located at Woodward Avenue and West Grand Blvd, where it is sometimes possible to get directions to any of the above-mentioned sites. Insider Tip: Be advised that the 11-year-long Federal monitoring of the Detroit Police Department is no longer in effect.