When speaking about the Louvre, it is considered bad manners to mention that only 5,000 of the 380,000 works in its collection were created by French artists.
The three works visitors to the Louvre are most willing to wait in line for are the Mona Lisa, the Venus de Milo, and the Mont-Blanc pastry served at the Café Richelieu Angelina, on the museum’s first floor.
Most art critics agree that the giant glass pyramid standing at the main entrance to the Louvre was not built by ancient Egyptians.
The Louvre has two information desks, where attendants will happily direct you to the on-site Starbucks.
No one thinks of the Louvre as being in a particularly rough part of town, but it is true that since 1911, the Mona Lisa, which is displayed behind bulletproof glass, has been stolen once and vandalized five times, including by a man who smeared it with a cream cake.
When asking a Paris taxi driver for a ride to the Louvre, make it clear before they turn on the meter that you do not mean the branch that’s in Abu Dhabi, on the Arabian Peninsula.
Be suspicious of anyone standing outside the Louvre who attempts to sell you a painting of the Mona Lisa in the nude, as it is probably of Kim Kardashian.
BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne knew his painting of the Mona Lisa was a fake when he discovered that it was signed by Kanye West. Payne is the author of the 142-country travel memoir Escape Clauses – Getting Away With a Travel Writing Life
With the approach of the 2024 presidential elections, really great walls may once again take on an increasing role in the plans of many people traveling to and from the U.S. But as the examples below illustrate, really great walls have long been a part of the travel experience.
BigStock/Severin.stalder Photo
The Really Great Wall of China
Stretching for some 5,500 miles, the remains of the Really Great Wall of China is an early example of how a massive barrier, many feet thick and even more high, is about as effective at keeping people on one side or the other as a stern lecture from a vice-principal is at keeping high school boys from spiking the punch at a homecoming dance.
The problem is that even at its staunchest, the Really Great Wall of China had some 1,387 miles of gaps so porous that they are believed to have been responsible for the enormous success of Chinese takeout. No doubt the gaps were responsible, too, for the rise of such popular ice cream flavors as “Mongol Madness.”
The Really Great Wall of China was most successful as a massive infrastructure project. At its height, wall construction put millions of Chinese to work, whether they wished to be or not. Cost overruns were a problem though, largely because developers had not yet mastered working with such building materials as concrete and the excrement of bulls.
Today, the most visited part of the wall, because of its easy access to Beijing, is the Badaling section. According to many online reviews, though, after fighting the crowds and hassling with taxi drivers, visitors often come away feeling that it ought to be called the Just Ok Wall of China.
BigStock/Hanohki Photo
The Really Great Berlin Wall
From 1961 through 1989 the story surrounding the Great Berlin Wall was, according to leaders of the East German government, the biggest example of fake news ever reported.
With photos to back up their claim, East German leaders insisted that the Really Great Berlin Wall had in no way been a barrier to keep East Berlin citizens from escaping to the West. Instead, they said, the 27-mile long, 11.8-foot high concrete structure had been a really great example — probably one of the greatest examples ever – of government support of the arts.
The extent to which the Berlin government was willing to encourage artistic expression was made evident, officials said, by the 20 bunkers, 302 guard towers, and uncounted other measures erected to safeguard the artists against interference by fascist and other anti-socialist Western elements.
The Really Great Berlin Wall was demolished in 1990. But commemorative pieces are still for sale. In fact, some 3.6 tons of the original 2.5 tons of concrete used in the construction can currently be purchased on e-Bay.
John Tenniel Illustration
Humpty Dumpty’s Really Great Wall
Although parts of Humpty Dumpty’s Really Great Wall may still exist, the inspiration for the classic English nursery rhyme is a matter of dispute.
In Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There, Humpty is depicted as an egg. Or — a reader could infer — someone with an ego as fragile as an egg.
In other interpretations, the clearly wobbly character has been a stand-in for any number of kings and other powerful public figures who, because of their overreach, end up taking such a great fall that not even all their horses and all their political advisors can put them together again.
There’s even an interpretation that holds wide sway, especially among pro-growth supporters, that Humpty Dumpty was a cannon that sat atop the wall surrounding the town of Colchester, England, during the English Civil War of 1642-51. Part of the wall still exists, but the story is that return fire from opposing forces so undermined its structural integrity that without sufficient infrastructure funding most of it eventually came tumbling down.
BigStock/Chris Cintron Photo
The Really Great Wall Street
Among Americans who don’t get their news from traditional outlets, Wall Street is perhaps best known for its history of standing up to occupiers and other foreigners.
What many people don’t know, however, is that Wall Street is actually named after a really great wall, one built to keep out pirates, Native Americans, non-European Union members, and, according to some sources, radical Islamic terrorists.
The original wall was a wooden palisade built at the south end of Manhattan by the Dutch in the 1600s. Fortunately for much of America’s current population, it did not serve as a barrier for immigrants of British stock, who were able to get visa waivers.
Wiki.southark.cc.com Illustration
The Really Great Wall-Mart
Wall-Mart is a really great American-owned retail store featured in an episode of the public affairs program South Park. The episode looks at what could happen in America if addiction treatment is not part of basic health care coverage.
The premise of the episode is that almost everyone in a futuristic version of South Park is so addicted to Wall-Mart’s bargain prices that they stop shopping at other South Park businesses, and the town falls into ruins. It becomes such an untenable place to live that a growing number of people dream of finding a better life to the north, if they can only make it beyond the newly constructed Great Wall of Canada.
Travel humor writer Bob Payne has a piece of the Berlin Wall that he will sell for the right price.
One of the great mysteries about the Statue of Liberty is why, when the United States Post Office created a Statue of Liberty Forever Stamp on December 1, 2010, it took until March 2011 before somebody noticed that the model used for the stamp, of which 10.5 billion were printed, was of an inexact replica that stands outside the New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Enough souvenir Statue of Liberty foam crowns are sold each day to fill an entire landfill site, and often does.
It has been determined, by some guys in New Jersey, that as scrap metal the Statue of Liberty would be worth about $230,000.
The statue of liberty is 111 feet tall. Comparing her proportions to those of professional baseball’s current record holder for the longest home run (505 feet), she could theoretically hit a baseball 9,342 feet, which means the Yankees still wouldn’t hire her, because she is a woman.
The 1883 poem whose lines run, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” is meant to depict the Statue of Liberty, to a greater or lesser degree, depending on which national political party is in power, as a symbol of hope and optimism.
The tablet the Statue of Liberty is holding is inscribed in Roman numerals with the date of American Independence, July IV MDCCLXXVI, which amazes many visitors, who wonder how the ancient Romans could have known so far in advance.
Many New Yorker’s claim that because they have no desire to stand in line with the huddled masses they have never visited the Statue of Liberty.
More than 800 languages are spoken in New York City, most of them only by taxi drivers.
If you don’t want people to think you are a tourist, don’t wait for the Walk sign.
New York City is home to 600,000 dogs, most serving the sole purpose of providing a conversation starter for desperate singles walking in Central Park.
When New Yorkers speak of “Our men in uniform,” they are referring to doormen.
If a New York City pedestrian makes eye contact, they are about to snatch your sunglasses.
Many of the places your guidebook will direct you to are now a Duane Reade drugstore.
If someone attempts to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge, it is acceptable to start negotiating at half the asking price.
While driving in New York City, BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne has never intentionally run over a bicycle messenger.
As tourism continues to grow worldwide, overcrowded tourist attractions becomes an ever-increasing problem. An ever-increasing solution is to suggest alternative attractions, although seldom as unlikely as the ones we have named here.
Granted, the Taj Mahal is one of the world’s architectural wonders. But it has become so crowded that visits are officially limited to three hours. At the Taj Auto Mall, on the other hand, you can take all the time you want to look over their inventory of more than 800 used cars. With bad credit or even no credit, financing is as low as 1.9%. And, according to the new management, if you are not happy with your purchase there’s a three-day exchange policy.
Alternative: Viagra Falls, Red Rock Canyon, Nevada
With more than eight million visitors a year at Niagara Falls, lines are often so long to get aboard the attraction’s 600-passenger excursion boat, Maid of the Mist, that visitors who give up in frustration might well call it Maid of the Missed. There are seldom lines to worry about, however, at Viagra Falls, a mountain climbing route at an area known as Panty Wall, in Southern Nevada’s Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area. Despite the route’s somewhat titillating name — for those whose minds are so disposed — few climbers call it particularly hard.
The Eiffel Tower is one of the most recognized and overcrowded tourist attractions in the world. To avoid the crowds, though, and the steep ticket prices, it’s possible to visit replicas in cities all around the world. Few cities, however, have as much justification for creating their own version of the Iron Lady as Paris, Tennessee, whose Eiffel Tower Park contains a 60-foot model of the 1,063-foot icon. And not even the original Paris can claim, as the Tennessee town can, to also be home to the World’s Biggest Fish Fry, held every year in April since 1953.
Why is Italy’s Leaning Tower of Pisa one of the world’s most overcrowded tourist attractions? Because who doesn’t enjoy somebody else’s goof-up on such a grand scale? Especially since the builders already knew, even before construction was completed in the mid-1300’s, that the whole thing was going to tilt. But you know how working with subcontractors can be. By comparison, the Leaning Tower of Pizza, in Minneapolis, has been standing upright since 1952. Still, it gets its crowds, in part because of a pizza menu that ranges from Buffalo Chicken to Italian Stallion. And in part, no doubt, because it has two Happy Hours.
Counting its many, often unconnected, sections, the Great Wall of China is more than 13,000 miles long. But the section most tourist see is not far north of Beijing, where the crowds can be so thick that to walk any length of it is largely an experience of trying to avoid arms and elbows. But at the Great Wall of Clarksville, a Chinese restaurant in Clarksville, Virginia, unless you arrive at the height of the lunch buffet, which has proven so popular they are now serving it seven days a week, you can usually walk right in and have no trouble finding a table.
The modern world has so encroached on the Great Pyramids of Egypt that within steps of them you can find a golf course and an always-crowded Pizza Hut. So why go all the way to Egypt to see great pyramids when downtown Memphis, Tennessee, is home to Bass Pro Shops at the Pyramid, a destination shopping experience housed in the world’s tenth-tallest pyramid? For those hoping to find treasures within the pyramids, the Memphis Pyramid is also home to the Beretta Fine Gun Center, a Ducks Unlimited Waterfowling Heritage Center,and Uncle Buck’s Fishbowl and Grill. And a claim not even the Great Pyramids of Egypt can make, a photo of it appears on Tennessee driver’s licenses.
Imagine you are visiting the Acropolis in Athens. You’ve taken, along with the thousands of other people sharing the experience with you, the necessary selfies in front of the Parthenon, the Erechtheion, and the Temple of Athena Nike. But what you really want to see is a place where you can get something to eat. That’s far more easily done at Sigmone’s Acropolis Meats & Deli, on Florida’s Gulf Coast. Family run since 1975, Sigmone’s not only sells all types of meat in bulk but also offers to-go meals from $6.99.
Despite so many people visiting England’s Stonehenge that timed tickets must now be purchased in advance, more and more are realizing that visually the ancient attraction is, after all, just an arrangement of big stones whose purpose continues to be debated. There’s no doubt, however, what Nebraska’s Carhenge is about. The thirty-nine spray-painted grey cars, some welded to form arches between others half buried in a circle, will make it clear to future historians that members of the civilization residing in America around the beginning of the third millennium were devout worshipers of the automobile.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” is a good description of waiting in line to see the Statue of Liberty. About the only time the masses haven’t been out in full force during visiting hours recently was when police evacuated the island the iconic statue stands on while they negotiated with a woman who had climbed part way up the outside of the 305-foot structure and refused to come down. If you like to observe histrionics in a more serene setting, visit the Statue of Liberace, on display in the Viva Las Vegas room of the celebrity wax museum Madame Tussauds Las Vegas.
With tax season just over, now is the busiest time of the year for travel to the two-dozen countries that have no extradition treaty with the U.S. To help travelers on the run chose which country is right for them — whether for a life-time stay or just until a statue of limitations runs out — we’ve once again put together our top 5 under-the-radar picks for anyone hoping to avoid extradition.
Maldives
With predictions that a rising sea level may result in its disappearance by 2085, this Indian Ocean nation has more to worry about than what your back-story might be. So unless there’s a possibility that somebody is willing to trade you for a Russian arms dealer, you’ll pretty much be left alone. Come here for the sun, the beaches, and the high-end resorts so pricey that to afford them you practically have to have stolen a serious amount of something.
Many of the resorts, such as the Huvafen Fushi, have overwater bungalows with glass panels in the floors for viewing sea life, and, if necessary, a quick escape. Be careful, though, whenever counting large stacks of money in your room, as the panels often make it easy for passing snorkelers to view your life. For an American, the Maldives, despite its distance, is not a perfect home away from home. Talk of opening a string of international fast-food restaurants at the airport has so far come to nothing. And getting re-runs of Keeping Up with the Kardashians is sometimes difficult. But if you are here for the long stay, converting to Islam can help, as can being religious about applying SPF 50.
China
While there is a misperception that Western travelers with a criminal background are not welcome in China, the opposite is often true, especially if the travelers arrive bearing significant trade secrets. Even if you have nothing to barter, a population of 1.4 billion makes it easy to get lost in the crowd. And should you run afoul of Chinese authorities, a prison population that includes more than 6,000 foreign inmates means you will sometimes be able to barter in English for cigarettes. Americans will find much about China to remind them of home, including Subway (440 outlets) McDonalds (1,964 outlets), KFC (5,854 outlets), and the Great Wall (0 outlets).
United Arab Emirates
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness has never considered avoiding extradition by fleeing to the United Arab Emirates. In the UAE, money can buy a $1,223 cupcake, a $24,000 per night hotel suite, and an $8 million (diamond-studded) cell phone. Gold-plated SUV’s are not that rare, Lamborghini police cars are not unheard of. Still, the law is Islamic law, so don’t spend money on alcohol consumed outside of a bar, restaurant, or sporting venue, or anything that’s any fun at all during Ramadan.
Russia
A tall latte at Starbucks in Moscow costs twice what it does in New York City. And you can be riding in the back seat of a taxi one moment and in the trunk the next, on the way to have your vital organs removed for profit. But beyond those niggling kinds of concerns, Russia is just about ideal for anyone looking for a new identity to call their own. In Moscow, live quietly but comfortably in the luxury of such accommodations as the Ritz-Carlton, where your personal butler and his government minder will soon know your name.
Become familiar with Red Square, the Bolshoi Theatre, and Saint Basil’s Cathedral, whose distinctive domes are recognized worldwide as the inspiration for the American news organization, The Onion. At the Kremlin, pass a pleasant hour, perhaps with a small group of friends, contemplating the unauthorized removal of the 190-caret Orlov Diamond on display there. And if it becomes time to get out of town, what traveler doesn’t imagine a journey on the Trans Siberian Railway? Just make sure you ask for a round trip ticket.
Bhutan
For relieving the stress often associated with traveling to avoid extradition, there may be no better destination than Bhutan. One of three countries in the world with no diplomatic relations at all with the U.S. (Iran and North Korea are the other two) this Himalayan hideaway allows you to conduct your affairs with the assurance that the only place you are ever likely get snatched to is heaven. One of the highlights of a Bhutan stay is a visit to the sacred, and isolated, cliff-side Buddhist monastery of Taktshang, or the Tiger’s Nest.
Make the strenuous hike to the monastery from the town below in about three hours, where you will be rewarded with the discovery that no cameras, phones, or recording devices of any kind are allowed. Which for somebody hiding from the law is by itself almost worth the trip. A bonus is that the monks who live at the monastery often practice meditation that requires extended periods of silence, diminishing the chances that somebody will even accidentally give you away.
BobCarriesOn editor-in-chief Bob Payne is currently under audit.
