travel news - BobCarriesOn

February 3, 2020September 19, 2022

7 things every visitor needs to know about New York City

More than 800 languages are spoken in New York City, most of them only by taxi drivers.

If you don’t want people to think you are a tourist, don’t wait for the Walk sign.

New York City is home to 600,000 dogs, most serving the sole purpose of providing a conversation starter for desperate singles walking in Central Park.

When New Yorkers speak of “Our men in uniform,” they are referring to doormen.

If a New York City pedestrian makes eye contact, they are about to snatch your sunglasses.

Many of the places your guidebook will direct you to are now a Duane Reade drugstore.

If someone attempts to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge, it is acceptable to start negotiating at half the asking price.

While driving in New York City, BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne has never intentionally run over a bicycle messenger.

May 30, 2019May 31, 2019

Hidden cameras make hotel guests more likely to smile, attend to personal appearance

woman standing in front of hidden camera in bathroom mirror

First, it was a growing number of reports that hidden cameras are being used to spy on hotel guests. And now a recent survey finds that the possibility of unauthorized surveillance increases the concern guests have for their in-room personal appearance, especially hair and makeup.

Hotel security specialist Bob Payne, who insists he has seldom installed hidden cameras in a hotel room himself, and then only for his own personal use, said the possibility of secret video recordings prompted more than 68 % of surveyed hotel guests to admit that they routinely put on a smile and give themselves at least a quick look in the mirror before getting close to an alarm clock, smoke detector, or any other device that hidden cameras might be concealed in.

The reason for the concern, according to Payne, is the assumption that most hidden camera footage will find its way to the Internet. And that raises fears among guests that being caught online in an unguarded moment could hurt their social media standing on such sites as Facebook, Instagram, and Ashley Madison.

“Who wants to have thousands of followers watch you spit toothpaste into a bowl, unless of course you hope to become an online influencer for that particular brand of toothpaste, such as Aquafresh, said Payne, adding that he is sometimes compensated for products he mentions online.

When not consulting about hidden cameras for some of the world’s most litigated-against hotel chains, Bob Payne is the editor in chief at BobCarrieson.com, a travel humor and satire site that has been sharing accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock.

May 15, 2018September 19, 2022

Airline industry’s open-door policy halted after five more passengers go missing.

The airline industry’s attempt to improve customer relations by instituting a controversial new open-door policy suffered a major setback this week when five more passengers went missing from commercial flights, bringing the total for the month to 29.

“Although the evidence is not conclusive that the open-door policy was responsible for all the disappearances, out of an abundance of caution we are recommending that until further notice all doors be kept in their closed and locked positions while an aircraft is in flight,” said airline industry spokesperson Bob Payne.

According to Payne, the idea behind the open-door policy had been to make flying feel more natural and less claustrophobic. “It was meant to be a wind-in-your-hair experience, similar to driving around with the top down, except at 500 mph,” Payne said.

The airlines began to suspect something might be amiss when passengers starting reporting that seatmates were not returning from trips to the lavatory.

“At first it was assumed they might just have been sucked down the toilet,” Payne said. “But an inspection of the aircrafts’ waste tanks turned up nothing but a retired captain and two emotional support animals.”

Further evidence of the missing passengers whereabouts surfaced when customers sitting near the rear of the aircraft began noticing people passing by who were “waving in what appeared to be an unusually enthusiastic manner.”

Responding quickly to the financial consequences that could result from the ill-advised open door policy, airlines are taking steps to retroactively charge all missing passengers with an early-exit fee.

When not serving as an airline industry analyst, travel humor writer Bob Payne is the head of a company that manufacturers traveler’s umbrellas that can also function as a parachute.

July 15, 2017August 15, 2019

Study suggests why pigs don’t fly more often

Researchers in the Department of Porcine Studies at Indiana’s Muncie State University have found strong evidence to suggest that the reason pigs don’t fly more often is their intelligence. In fact, the research seems to indicate that pigs are far smarter than humans, who if offered sufficiently low fares will allow themselves to be sent aloft in conditions virtually all members of the animal world would find unacceptable.

“The evidence is striking, especially when it comes to what humans and the few pigs who do fly will eat when in the air,” said study leader Bob Payne, who has been observing both species since childhood, when growing up over one of Muncie’s most popular barbecue restaurants. Although generally perceived to have undiscriminating tastes, pigs will routinely refuse any airline offering of beef, chicken or pasta, while humans, as long as they are assured that it is “free” will down anything, Payne said.

The study leader added that even if they are crossing time zones pigs are smart enough to keep to a fairly regular dining schedule, while humans will eat breakfast lunch, or dinner at any hour it is served up.

“The contrast is even more stark with alcohol,” Payne said. “Recall when you’ve seen human passengers start in on the booze, especially on flights to the Caribbean. Then ask yourself if you’ve ever seen a pig with a margarita before noon.”

Another clear indication of a pig’s intellectual superiority compared to humans has to do with seating. “You seldom see a pig in an airline seat, even in first class,” Payne said. “But humans will willingly occupy seats that even spiders, scorpions, and snakes have found it nearly impossible to wedge themselves into.”

Ironically, while the relatively few pigs who have consented to fly are usually more than happy to make some seating accommodation if asked to, often even eager to take a later flight, human passengers have sometimes had to be pried out of their seats with the kind of force usually reserved for removing aging members from congress.

Asked if there might come a time when pigs do routinely fly, Payne was less than optimistic. “Not as long as all passengers continue to be treated like sheep,” he said.

When not exercising a leadership position in porcine studies, travel humor writer Bob Payne is the editor in chief of Bobcarrieson.com.

April 10, 2017April 10, 2017

Noah’s Ark discriminated against single passengers?

Ancient scrolls recently discovered near the base of Mount Ararat reveal that many Noah’s Ark passengers traveled as couples to avoid a discriminatory singles-supplement policy.

The supplement — reported to be 100% — was established by the travel industry as a direct response to the limited accommodations available on the Ark and the high demand for them.

“You have to understand, as God apparently didn’t, that we have to set our pricing based on double occupancy,” one member of the Ararat Society of Travel Agents (ASTA) is recorded as saying.

According to the member, neither God nor Noah were details-guys and didn’t really understand that it’s not so much a room that makes the lodging and cruise ship industries viable but the extra per-person charges for necessities such as drinks, meals, and having your photo taken on every imaginable occasion.

“It’s not a flood, even one of Biblical proportions, that keeps a ship afloat; it’s the markup on pina coladas,” the member said.

Many of the singles who expressed interest in the 40-days and 40-nights Noah’s Ark cruise felt, however, that the single-supplement was discriminatory.

“We are less work for the cabin stewards and spend more time at the bar than anyone except the couples who are discovering a cruise isn’t a solution to their marital woes after all, so why should we have to pay extra?” complained a giraffe who said he had specifically looked into the Ark cruise because he’d heard that its limbo competition was more challenging than on Carnival.

In the end, in large part at the urging of the rabbits, the singles finally agreed to double up in order to avoid the supplement. And that seemed to work fine – except for the black widow spiders.

Humor travel writer Bob Payne is the editor in chief of BobCarriesOn.com, and a Biblical scholar specializing in ancient cruise ship rituals and practices.

April 5, 2017

Afghanistan again leads list of world’s top 193 countries, based on alphabetical order

Afghan boy delighted to learn his country again ranks at top.

BobCarriesOn.com has released its annual report of the world’s top 193 countries, based on alphabetical order. Afghanistan remains No. 1, a position it has held since 1967, when the state of Aden, on the Arabian Peninsula, became part of Yemen.

Afghanistan’s fifty consecutive years at the top of the list is impressive. Its longevity has been surpassed only by Abyssinia, which was No. 1, alphabetically, from 1137 to 1889, when it became part of modern Ethiopia.

The No. 1 standing has benefitted Afghanistan in many ways. It has helped bolster the country’s stature, for example, among Westerners who are interested in poppy growing, goat grabbing (which is a national sport), and war-zone safety practices. It has also helped offset other rankings, such as: The Legatum Prosperity Index, 148^th; World Happiness Report, 154^th; Life Expectancy at birth 162nd; GDP Per Capita 175^th; and Ease of doing business 181^st.

Among other countries, the United States was unable, once again, to rank higher than 185^th. It finished ahead of only Uruguay, Uzbekistan, Vanuatu, Venezuela, Vietnam, Yemen, Zambia, and Zimbabwe. And in continental standings, the U.S. fared even worse, finishing 23^rd out of the top 23 North American countries.

Looking ahead to next year, Afghanistan could find its top spot in jeopardy. Abkhazia, a tiny slice of the former Soviet Union, has been successful at getting only a handful of nations to recognize its independence from the country of Georgia. However, one of those nations is Russia. So, Abkhazia could soon find that its breakaway aspirations — and hopes of becoming No. 1 — have the full support of the U.S. State Department.

Top finishers by continent, based on alphabetic order (world standings in parentheses)

Asia

Afghanistan (1); Armenia (8); Azerbaijan (11).

Azerbaijan has more mud volcanoes than any other country, and also the largest mud volcano. There is little evidence, however, that either fact has influenced the Azerbaijanis’ attitude toward mud wrestling, either as a sport or a political tactic.

Europe

Albania (2); Andorra (4); Austria (10).

Andorra has one of the world’s highest life expectancies and, perhaps not coincidentally, has not been to war in more than a thousand years.

Africa

Algeria (3); Angola (5); Benin (19).

Benin is home to the largest remaining population of lions in West Africa. It also ranks 162^nd in life expectancy. The two seem to be unrelated.

North America

Antigua and Barbuda (6); Bahamas (12); Barbados (15).

The world’s first recorded sale of rum took place on Barbados, which is still a major producer. Despite that, Barbados has a literacy rate of 99%.

South America

Argentina (7); Bolivia (21); Brazil (24)

The Yungas Road, leading from Bolivia’s capital, La Paz, has been called the world’s most dangerous. It has been suggested that one solution to the vehicular carnage — for people dressed as zebras to help children cross the streets — does not go far enough.

Australia

Australia (9).

The once proud, boastful Australians now rank only 19th worldwide for beer consumption per capita.

Antarctica

Not rated.

BobCarriesOn.com Editor in Chief Bob Payne in on the board of the Know YourABC’s Foundation.