Tag: airline passengers

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Airline industry’s open-door policy halted after five more passengers go missing.

The airline industry’s attempt to improve customer relations by instituting a controversial new open-door policy suffered a major setback this week when five more passengers went missing from commercial flights, bringing the total for the month to 29.

“Although the evidence is not conclusive that the open-door policy was responsible for all the disappearances, out of an abundance of caution we are recommending that until further notice all doors be kept in their closed and locked positions while an aircraft is in flight,” said airline industry spokesperson Bob Payne.

According to Payne, the idea behind the open-door policy had been to make flying feel more natural and less claustrophobic. “It was meant to be a wind-in-your-hair experience, similar to driving around with the top down, except at 500 mph,” Payne said.

The airlines began to suspect something might be amiss when passengers starting reporting that seatmates were not returning from trips to the lavatory.

“At first it was assumed they might just have been sucked down the toilet,” Payne said. “But an inspection of the aircrafts’ waste tanks turned up nothing but a retired captain and two emotional support animals.”

Further evidence of the missing passengers whereabouts surfaced when customers sitting near the rear of the aircraft began noticing people passing by who were “waving in what appeared to be an unusually enthusiastic manner.”

Responding quickly to the financial consequences that could result from the ill-advised open door policy, airlines are taking steps to retroactively charge all missing passengers with an early-exit fee.

When not serving as an airline industry analyst, travel humor writer Bob Payne is the head of a company that manufacturers traveler’s umbrellas that can also function as a parachute.

 

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Study suggests why pigs don’t fly more often

flying pig

Researchers in the Department of Porcine Studies at Indiana’s Muncie State University have found strong evidence to suggest that the reason pigs don’t fly more often is their intelligence. In fact, the research seems to indicate that pigs are far smarter than humans, who if offered sufficiently low fares will allow themselves to be sent aloft in conditions virtually all members of the animal world would find unacceptable.

“The evidence is striking, especially when it comes to what humans and the few pigs who do fly will eat when in the air,” said study leader Bob Payne, who has been observing both species since childhood, when growing up over one of Muncie’s most popular barbecue restaurants. Although generally perceived to have undiscriminating tastes, pigs will routinely refuse any airline offering of beef, chicken or pasta, while humans, as long as they are assured that it is “free” will down anything, Payne said.

The study leader added that even if they are crossing time zones pigs are smart enough to keep to a fairly regular dining schedule, while humans will eat breakfast lunch, or dinner at any hour it is served up.

“The contrast is even more stark with alcohol,” Payne said. “Recall when you’ve seen human passengers start in on the booze, especially on flights to the Caribbean. Then ask yourself if you’ve ever seen a pig with a margarita before noon.”

Another clear indication of a pig’s intellectual superiority compared to humans has to do with seating. “You seldom see a pig in an airline seat, even in first class,” Payne said. “But humans will willingly occupy seats that even spiders, scorpions, and snakes have found it nearly impossible to wedge themselves into.”

Ironically, while the relatively few pigs who have consented to fly are usually more than happy to make some seating accommodation if asked to, often even eager to take a later flight, human passengers have sometimes had to be pried out of their seats with the kind of force usually reserved for removing aging members from congress.

Asked if there might come a time when pigs do routinely fly, Payne was less than optimistic. “Not as long as all passengers continue to be treated like sheep,” he said.

When not exercising a leadership position in porcine studies, travel humor writer Bob Payne is the editor in chief of Bobcarrieson.com.

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Pat down other passengers? How much extra would you pay?

Airline passengers undergoing a pat down

Following the TSA’s recent announcement of “enhanced security measures” that include a more invasive pat down, the media has responded in the strongest terms possible. Which is to say that the National Public Radio show Wait Wait . . . Don’t Tell Me has issued an enhanced put-down.

Asked to name the next change that will make air travel even worse, a panelist on the show predicted:  “Buyers of the new super saver economy no-frills tickets will have to pat down each other.”

Now, it may just be us, but we think many fliers would consider the opportunity to pat down other passengers a perk. One that  might well encourage them to choose the most no-frills option over others, and more than make up for having to pay for access to an exit row in the event of an emergency.

Perv Perks, the class could be called.  Which is certainly more respectable sounding, in the airline world, than Basic Economy.

Of course we also think the airlines would soon enough see Perv Perks as a new add-on fee opportunity, and start charging extra for the service.  No doubt, there would be a fee scale based on the level of invasiveness allowed, perhaps with the most expensive option — Perv Premium — permitting you to keep any weapons or other objects the pat down uncovered.

What do you think? How much extra would you pay to pat down other passengers?  How about if it were gloves-optional? Would you pay extra to have another passenger pat you down?

And what can you imagine as the next thing after more invasive pat-downs to make airline travel even worse?

Bob Payne, who is the editor in chief of the travel humor site BobCarriesOn, is often considered to be ahead of the curve on all travel-related issues. In fact,  he has already been reprimanded twice by TSA authorities for attempting to pat down fellow passengers.

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Average age of crying babies on airplanes is 43, study reveals

crying babies on airplanes

A new study commissioned by the Flight Attendants Union of America reveals that the average age of crying babies on airplanes is 43.

“That’s the age when crying babies begin to forget what it was like to fly with young children of their own,” said Flight Attendants Union of America spokesperson Bob Payne. “But they are not yet old enough to accept that nobody’s going to give them special treatment simply because they find certain of their fellow passengers irritating.”

“The babies you know will cry the most,” said Payne, “are those who come aboard talking loudly into a cell phone, or cradling a specially boxed gourmet sandwich, or already deeply engrossed in their Kindle.”

The average age of crying babies on airplanes has increased steadily, according to the study, ever since airlines introduced ancillary fees for baggage, food service, and armrest use, and began renting ballpoint pens for working on inflight magazine crossword and Sudoku puzzles.

The study notes that one positive effect of the increase in the average age of crying babies on airplanes is that it has become more and more acceptable for flight attendants to sedate crying babies, from the beverage cart, and charge them up to $8 for a 1.7 oz. mini bottle for each administering.

“It has certainly added to airline profitability,” Payne said.

Payne also notes, however, that with the increased average age of crying babies on planes has come the increased risk to other passengers and to cabin crew. It is only natural for babies to cry out when they experience the discomfort, pain, fear, rage, and homicidal impulses that have become a part of flying, Payne said. “But the uncontrolled outbursts that can result in an unscheduled landing are much more likely to come from a crying baby who is middle-aged than one who is an infant.”

An additional finding of the study was that the only place the average age of crying babies on airplanes hasn’t increased noticeably  is in the cockpit, where for some time it has held steady at 44.8 years.

When not serving as a spokesperson for the Flight Attendants Union of America, Bob Payne is the editor in chief of the travel humor website BobCarriesOn.com, which has been offering accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock.

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6 foods that help airline passengers retain armrest space

cartoon smelly cheese

As airline passengers know, one of the biggest annoyances when flying is having to fight for armrest space. But a simple solution, says Bob Payne, Director of Olfactory Experiences for the International Air Transport Association, is for passengers to bring aboard meals and snacks so odoriferous that passengers in the adjoining seats will be more than willing to give up as much elbow room as possible.

“While a small number of passengers [all now on the Terrorist Watchlist] have complained, we are finding that claiming the arm rests by olfactory means is far more benign than the barbed wire, electric-shock devices, and sharpened pencils through the back of the hand that some passengers have employed,” said Payne.

The most effective olfactory space-makers tend to be exotic food items such as Durian, an Asian fruit that is banned from many of that regions airlines, fermented fish, such as Swedish surstromming and Norwegian lutefisk, and fermented bean dishes, including Japanese natto and Korean doenjang, all of which have been described as possessing the aroma of Third World sewage systems on the occasions when they are working even less effectively than usual.

Yet while the exotics can be difficult to get hold of for U.S. and European flights (Spirit Airlines and Ryanair both offer them for an add-on fee), some excellent alternatives are easily available. Here are six of Payne’s favorites:

Over-ripe Cheese

Among the best are Limburger, which is particularly effective when paired with onions, Epoisses, which is banned from public transport throughout France, and Stinking Bishop, which in Britain is said to have a centuries-long tradition of raising the dead.

Tuna Fish

Any fish will do, but tuna is especially evocative of the sanitary facilities of a Grand Banks trawler.

Curry

A nice curry dish heavy on the cumin, coriander, and fenugreek works like a charm for extending your personal space to clear across the aisle and at least two rows in either direction.

Mexican Food

From beans to onions, the ingredients of a suitably malodorous burrito can drive even the most territorial fellow passenger flat up against the window.

Certain Vegetables

Cooked broccoli, cabbage, and asparagus, especially if packed in an insulated container that keeps them warm, exude a smell that says “”What’s it to ya?” To really insure some real estate, ask a flight attendant if he or she will reheat them for you. They won’t, but the possibility will have other passengers begging that the oxygen masks be dropped.

Carbonated Beverages

The stealth fighter of the armrest wars, carbonated beverages cause bloating and, combined with gas-producing foods like Mexican fare and the above-mentioned veggies, create a cone of flatulence that will keep other passengers at a respectful distance all the way into the arrival terminal.

Along with his responsibilities at the IATA, humor writer Bob Payne blogs forTupperware Brands, which he claims sponsored this post.

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New coach class turndown service to revolutionize airline industry

The airline industry today announced a revolutionary new concept in flying – coach class turndown service.

The way the service works, according to industry spokesperson Bob Payne, is that any request made by a coach passenger will automatically be turned down.

“What the request is won’t matter – May I have the full can? Could somebody bolt my seat back to the floor? Could you tell me why the wing is on fire? – the answer will always be No,” Payne said.

The effect on the industry’s bottom line is expected to prove even more positive  than ancillary add-on fees have, and should give flight attendants more time to devote to higher-priority tasks, such as determining who among the cockpit crew is married.

“That will make it a win-win for everyone, except of course the coach passengers themselves.” Payne said.

Some critics have said that those coach passengers, denied access to basic information they need for a comfortable, comforting, and safe flying experience may decide not to fly at all.

To which Payne responded, “Are you somehow unaware of what they’ve been willing to put up with already?”

The fee for the turndown service, Payne said, will be $75.

 

Travel humor writer Bob Payne is the author of the  acclaimed psychological thriller, Fare of Flying.

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