airline safety - BobCarriesOn

May 15, 2018September 19, 2022

Airline industry’s open-door policy halted after five more passengers go missing.

The airline industry’s attempt to improve customer relations by instituting a controversial new open-door policy suffered a major setback this week when five more passengers went missing from commercial flights, bringing the total for the month to 29.

“Although the evidence is not conclusive that the open-door policy was responsible for all the disappearances, out of an abundance of caution we are recommending that until further notice all doors be kept in their closed and locked positions while an aircraft is in flight,” said airline industry spokesperson Bob Payne.

According to Payne, the idea behind the open-door policy had been to make flying feel more natural and less claustrophobic. “It was meant to be a wind-in-your-hair experience, similar to driving around with the top down, except at 500 mph,” Payne said.

The airlines began to suspect something might be amiss when passengers starting reporting that seatmates were not returning from trips to the lavatory.

“At first it was assumed they might just have been sucked down the toilet,” Payne said. “But an inspection of the aircrafts’ waste tanks turned up nothing but a retired captain and two emotional support animals.”

Further evidence of the missing passengers whereabouts surfaced when customers sitting near the rear of the aircraft began noticing people passing by who were “waving in what appeared to be an unusually enthusiastic manner.”

Responding quickly to the financial consequences that could result from the ill-advised open door policy, airlines are taking steps to retroactively charge all missing passengers with an early-exit fee.

When not serving as an airline industry analyst, travel humor writer Bob Payne is the head of a company that manufacturers traveler’s umbrellas that can also function as a parachute.

May 2, 2016

Average age of crying babies on airplanes is 43, study reveals

A new study commissioned by the Flight Attendants Union of America reveals that the average age of crying babies on airplanes is 43.

“That’s the age when crying babies begin to forget what it was like to fly with young children of their own,” said Flight Attendants Union of America spokesperson Bob Payne. “But they are not yet old enough to accept that nobody’s going to give them special treatment simply because they find certain of their fellow passengers irritating.”

“The babies you know will cry the most,” said Payne, “are those who come aboard talking loudly into a cell phone, or cradling a specially boxed gourmet sandwich, or already deeply engrossed in their Kindle.”

The average age of crying babies on airplanes has increased steadily, according to the study, ever since airlines introduced ancillary fees for baggage, food service, and armrest use, and began renting ballpoint pens for working on inflight magazine crossword and Sudoku puzzles.

The study notes that one positive effect of the increase in the average age of crying babies on airplanes is that it has become more and more acceptable for flight attendants to sedate crying babies, from the beverage cart, and charge them up to $8 for a 1.7 oz. mini bottle for each administering.

“It has certainly added to airline profitability,” Payne said.

Payne also notes, however, that with the increased average age of crying babies on planes has come the increased risk to other passengers and to cabin crew. It is only natural for babies to cry out when they experience the discomfort, pain, fear, rage, and homicidal impulses that have become a part of flying, Payne said. “But the uncontrolled outbursts that can result in an unscheduled landing are much more likely to come from a crying baby who is middle-aged than one who is an infant.”

An additional finding of the study was that the only place the average age of crying babies on airplanes hasn’t increased noticeably is in the cockpit, where for some time it has held steady at 44.8 years.

When not serving as a spokesperson for the Flight Attendants Union of America, Bob Payne is the editor in chief of the travel humor website BobCarriesOn.com, which has been offering accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock.

June 25, 2015July 24, 2015

America’s 10 Safest Airlines – Now

No question, a commercial aircraft is a safe place to be. It has been pointed out, for instance, that in the United States you are more likely to be killed by a dog attack than a commercial airplane crash. Still, if you want to increase the odds that flying will not be the cause of your demise, here are America’s 10 safest airlines.

Eastern Airlines

Founded: 1926

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1991

Of note: Among the deaths resulting from a 1974 Eastern Airlines crash were those of the father and two older brothers of comedian Stephen Colbert, who was ten at the time. He said the experience has had much to do with his view that the world doesn’t always make sense.

Northwest Airlines

Founded: 1926

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 2010

Of note: In 1971, hijacker D.B. Cooper parachuted from the tail end of a Northwest Boeing 727 somewhere over Washington State’s Cascade Range, along with $200,000 in ransom. He was never heard of again, except as the inspiration for songs, films, and printed works, among them a pamphlet, published in 1972, titled “SKYJACKER’S GUIDE OR PLEASE HOLD THIS BOMB WHILE I GO TO THE BATHROOM.“

Pan American World Airways

Founded: 1927

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1991

Of note: In the early 1960’s Pan Am was so optimistic about its future that it began accepting reservations for trips to the moon. By the time “The World’s Most Experienced Airline” went under, in part as a result of the terrorist bombing that brought down Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, more than 93,000 people had put down a deposit for the space flight.

Braniff International Airways

Founded: 1928

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1982

Of note: A Braniff plane holds the record for the longest distance flown while being hijacked — 7,500 miles from San Antonio, Texas, to Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Continental Airlines

Founded: 1934

Why so safe: Stopped flying 2012

Of note: A subsidiary of Continental known as Continental Air Services Inc was created primarily to fly support missions in Southeast Asia during the Vietnam War. Which is why CASI may be the only civilian airline that has had an active-duty pilot serve as a prisoner of war.

National Airlines

Founded: 1934

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1980.

Of note: National is perhaps best remembered for its “Fly Me,” advertising campaign, featuring ads showing flight attendants saying, for instance, “I’m Cheryl. Fly me.” The campaign incensed the National Organization for Women, but was so successful that National purportedly considered intensifying it with “I’m going to fly you like you’ve never been flown before.”

Air Florida

Founded: 1971

Why so safe: Stopped flying 1984

Of note: The next time you are irritated by a flight attendant it might help to recall that when Air Florida Flight 90 crashed into the icy Potomac River in 1982 a flight attendant who was among the few survivors gave her life vest to an injured passenger.

Midway Airlines

Founded: 1976

Why so safe: Stopped flying 1991

Of note: One of the happier airlines, Midway, which never had a serious accident, proved that you could run a low-cost operation and still offer chocolate mints. Unhappily, like a number of other airlines, it could not survive the rise in fuel costs and economic downturn that resulted from the first Gulf War.

People Express

Founded: 1981

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 1987

Of note: People Express was the first airline to permit a woman to captain a 747. On the other hand, they were also the first U.S. airline to charge a baggage fee.

Hooters Air

Founded: 2003

Why so safe: Stopped flying in 2006

Of note: The most successful thing about Hooters Air is that many passengers truly didn’t care when they arrived.