Tag: airlines

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Honoring those we lost in 2012

Now that we are a few days into the New Year, frequent traveler Bob Payne is taking a brief time out to honor those we lost in 2012.

Black carry-on bag – No name tag, but purple Barney-like sock puppet tied to handle. I was made to gate-check it on an American flight from Dallas Fort Worth to JFK. The woman at Customer Service was nice, but said the airline had enough problems of its own without having to look for my bag, too.

Wing-tip shoe – Left foot, men’s brown and white, size 9 ½ D. I was half way to my Southwest flight at Phoenix Sky Harbor before I noticed it was missing, and by the time I got back to the bin at the security gate it was gone. Kudos to the TSA, though, for letting me borrow a woman’s espadrille, left foot, same size as mine, even though it wasn’t really my color.

Rental car – Once you misplace your car keys, which I think must have fallen out of my pocket when I was wading in the fountain at the Princess on New Year’s Eve, losing your car, too, is really not that hard, especially if you can’t remember the make, color, or company you rented it from.

Family members who called from the airport, but never showed up at the reunion – more evidence that relying entirely on a GPS for driving directions can turn out to be a very bad idea.

Right leg below the knee – I now know that when you are picnicking along a river bank in Australia and see a yellow caution sign showing the outline of a crocodile painted in black it is not there for comic effect. On the other hand, I now have more use for the single left wing-tip shoe.

In his spare time, travel humor writer Bob Payne does the obituary column for his home-town newspaper.

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Cash strapped federal government considers licensing airline beverage carts as commercial vehicles

 

In an attempt to find more revenue sources that could help deal with America’s on-going monetary crisis, Congress announced today it is studying emergency legislation that would allow the Interstate Commerce Commission to charge a licensing fee for airline beverage carts under the same rules currently applied to commercial trucking.

“Those carts are clearly engaging in commerce and they are clearly crossing state lines; so we are well within our rights to charge them a licensing fee for it,” said legislative assistant Bob Payne.

The news sent a ripple of concern through the airline industry, with reports that some carriers were rushing to buy all the carts they could and instructing their lobbyists to argue that a fair compromise, should the licensing become law, would be to allow carts already in use to be grandmothered in, just as has happened with more and more issues involving flight attendants.

Some industry analysts, however, say that most airlines would simply find a way to eliminate the beverage carts, such as requiring flight attendants to wear multi-pocketed uniforms from which they would offer items for sale. But legislative assistant Payne does not think that will happen. “After all, the airlines know we would simply start charging a fee for having pockets.”

In related news, the beverage service was completed aboard a recent Newark-Phoenix flight with no injuries reported.

 

Travel humor writer Bob Payne has his own beverage cart repair business.

Bridgeandtunnelclub.com photo

 

 

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No more abuse by the airlines, and other unrealistic resolutions for 2013

In recent years, airline passengers, more than most people, have found it necessary to make New Year’s resolutions. Here are a few that travel humor writer Bob Payne found it necssary to make for 2013, based on his behavior during 2012.

I will refuse to fly on any airline whose practices I consider abusive, unless the alternative is to go by train, bus, auto, or foot.

I will not complain if a child hits me in the ear with a stuffed animal. I will, however, return the stuffed animal with the head removed.

I will refrain from asking flight attendants if I can have a pillow, blanket, playing cards, junior pilot wings, or call button that works.  On certain occasions, though, I will ask for a flight attendant’s phone number. Those occasions will be if I’d like to know how they feel about being awakened in the middle of the night by somebody who tells them they have to put away all eclectonic devices.

If a late-arriving passenger crams his or her carry-on  in on top of mine, potentially damaging my laptop, I will not say anything. But after everyone is seated I will slip an alarm clock into the offending bag, set to go off ten minutes into the flight.

As I pass the cockpit door, I will not wave and say, “Hey, it’s me. From rehab.”

I will not pound on the lavatory door just because someone has been in there longer than I consider necessary. Instead I will calmly approach the nearest flight attendant and say,  “Do you smell smoke? Coming from the lavatory?”

I will not grouse about fees for talking to a live ticket agent, checking in at the airport, carrying on a bag, extra leg room,  or sitting closer to the front of the plane or with my family. But I will charge a $25 fee to get the beverage cart past my seat.

I will not secretly pull an assortment of  nuts and bolts out of my carry-on, show them to the annoying person sitting next to me,  and say, “I found these under your seat. I wonder if they’re important.”

I will not bring a roast turkey on board and then share it with only some of the other passengers in my vicinity. I will, however, give preference to those passengers who are sharing mashed potatoes and gravy.

I will not wear oversize cowboy hats on flights from Dallas-Fort Worth to Paris. This should be an easy resolution to keep because it is unlikey I will ever be on a flight from Dallas-Fort Worth to Paris

 

 

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Air passenger elbows growing smaller say evolutionary biologists

 

 

A report just published in the Journal of Evolutionary Appendages has found a direct correlation between the diminishing widths of coach class seats and shrinking elbows among coach class passengers.

“We haven’t tracked a finer example of evolutionary biology at work since the increase in finger dexterity following the introduction of free wi-fi,” said JEA editor Bob Payne.

The study also found that a result of the shrinkage has been a marked decrease in violence among passengers sharing arm rests.

“With not much of an elbow to poke, and the impossibility of making one’s self heard over small children, there’s not much for someone to do but sit there and be quiet,” Payne said.

Payne said the study projects that elbows will be able to shrink another 14 percent before the airlines begin looking for new ways to maximize the number of people a plane can carry.

“A promising development in that area is having appendages surgically removed before departure then reattached at destination, with the airline getting a percentage of the surgical procedures,” Payne said.

Payne said that while some non-scientists have been surprised by how quickly human elbows have adapted to new space restrictions, he said it is no more unusual than how fast the human tongue has hardened as a result of the increasing number of opportunities to bite it, not only in travel, but in every facet of daily life.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne has been editing the Journal of Evolutionary Appendages since its inception.

BigStock photo.

 

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New coach class turndown service to revolutionize airline industry

The airline industry today announced a revolutionary new concept in flying – coach class turndown service.

The way the service works, according to industry spokesperson Bob Payne, is that any request made by a coach passenger will automatically be turned down.

“What the request is won’t matter – May I have the full can? Could somebody bolt my seat back to the floor? Could you tell me why the wing is on fire? – the answer will always be No,” Payne said.

The effect on the industry’s bottom line is expected to prove even more positive  than ancillary add-on fees have, and should give flight attendants more time to devote to higher-priority tasks, such as determining who among the cockpit crew is married.

“That will make it a win-win for everyone, except of course the coach passengers themselves.” Payne said.

Some critics have said that those coach passengers, denied access to basic information they need for a comfortable, comforting, and safe flying experience may decide not to fly at all.

To which Payne responded, “Are you somehow unaware of what they’ve been willing to put up with already?”

The fee for the turndown service, Payne said, will be $75.

 

Travel humor writer Bob Payne is the author of the  acclaimed psychological thriller, Fare of Flying.

BigStock photo.

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Costco to start own airline, allow passengers to buy tickets in bulk

Retail giant Costco, which has become one of America’s most successful companies by reacting adroitly to consumer trends, may be latching onto another commercial bonanza with its decision to start its own low-cost carrier, Kirkland Air.

“Airlines today don’t want to be in aviation, they want to be in high-volume merchandising, from snack foods to leg room; and who does that better than we do?” said Bob Payne, Costco’s newly appointed vice president for airline development.

Payne said that while airlines now recognize that flying is the least of it, they have not proven all that sophisticated, despite what the public might think, when it comes to squeezing charges out of customers for items they didn’t even know they needed, especially in oversize amounts.

“That’s where we have the competitive advantage,” Payne said. “For cost efficiencies we’ll be operating a fleet of our own Kirkland 425 jetliners, manufactured right at our corporate headquarters; but our main thrust will be in selling high-volume ancillary products that traditional airlines haven’t even considered, such as cabin oxygen.”

Payne said his research indicates that the flying public should react well to the Kirkland Air approach, especially when they learn that they can save substantially by buying single-destination tickets in quantities large enough to last an average-size family up to seven years.

“That should be enough to offset the backlash anticipated from the realization that in order to fly with us you’ll have to become a Kirkland Air Gold Star Club member, for an annual fee of $495,” Payne said.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne, who is editor in chief of BobCarriesOn.com, also works part time as an airline analyst for the snack food industry.

BigStock Photo.

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