airports - BobCarriesOn

May 16, 2014April 9, 2015

When everybody is a comedian, security slows at Las Vegas Airport

Las Vegas’ McCarran International Airport has announced it may have to review the effectiveness of the eight new security videos it introduced this week.

The airport security videos, featuring Las Vegas entertainers, some of whom people may have heard of, are meant to show the airport’s many inexperienced travelers how to get through security checkpoints in the shortest time possible.

“Unfortunately, the videos seem to be projecting the wrong message,” said Bob Payne, McCarran’s Assistant Director of Terminal Entertainment.

Payne said the airport security videos were released on Tuesday, highlighting tips by comedians Louie Anderson, Carrot Top, Murray SawChuck, the Blue Man Group, Terry Fator, the cast from “Raiding the Rock Vault,” and a father and son Mafia act, only one of which was carrying a machine gun in his violin case.

“Ever since then,” Payne said, “the airport security lines have slowed dramatically, as passengers insist on talking to TSA agents using hand-puppets, trying to make 5 oz. bottles magically shrink, and attempting to throw their voice so it sounds like people are crying for help from inside the x-ray machine.”

Payne said that just one among many security issues stemming from the videos has been that so many passengers are arriving at the checkpoints dressed from head to toe in blue body paint that the TSA agents, who do have loved ones to go home to, are hesitant to do anywhere near the number of pat-downs they normally would.

“Worst of all,” Payne said, “is that everybody thinks they are a comedian, which wouldn’t be so bad, except that far too many people, as they go through the x-ray machines, are starting their routine with, ‘This one will kill you.’ And when we hear the word kill we have procedures we have to follow, which just slows everything down that much more.”

October 29, 2012November 9, 2012

What’s still flying at New York area airports? Luggage carts, terminal signs, Rosetta Stone sales associates.

In an attempt to help keep the flying public fully apprised of what’s happening as a result of Hurricane Sandy, the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which operates JFK, LaGuardia, and Newark Liberty airports, issued a 10:00 A.M. EST bulletin with a list of what is expected to remain flying over the next 36-48 hours.

The list, according to Port Authority spokesman Bob Payne, includes the following:

Wadded up tickets, terminal signage, luggage carts, drug-sniffing dogs, skycap uniforms, Rosetta Stone retail sales associates, children who refuse to hold their mother’s hand, catering trucks, taxi cabs, inter-terminal buses, and airport parking toll booths.

Payne said the list does not include items normally found aloft at area airports, such as seagulls, baggage handlers, and flight attendant uniforms.

“We’ll be issuing a list update at 2 p.m.,” Payne said. “And should have word by then on whether it will include the Newark Liberty control tower.”

May 9, 2012October 13, 2012

TSA secrets the flying public doesn’t want you to know

Not since the days when the postal service mattered to anybody has a group of federal workers (Congress excepted) taken so much abuse as the agents of the TSA.

That the TSA performs a necessary function is clear. Their vigilance, study after study has shown, has resulted in airline passengers bringing aboard far fewer knives, handguns, and explosive devices than they used to.

Yet the abuse of TSA agents has become so pervasive it has been estimated that comedians such as Jay Leno (“Have you heard the TSA’s new slogan? ‘We handle more junk than eBay.'”) David Letterman (“TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish.”) and Conan O’Brien (“ I don’t mind being patted down by airport security, but I don’t like it when the guy says, ‘Now you do me.'”) would be hard pressed to get through their monologues without some reference to the alleged humiliation faced daily by the flying public.

Of course some of the abuse is well-deserved. There’s no evidence to show that grandmothers in wheelchairs are more likely to commit terrorist acts than any other group. And what kind of person takes a stuffed animal away from a four-year-old boy, even if the animal does turn out to contain gun parts?

But try putting yourself in the shoes of a TSA agent. (Admittedly, not as easily done, at most security checkpoints, as TSA agents putting themselves in yours.) The fact is that the two things the flying public finds most outrageous about the airport security experience – pat downs and body scans – are the two things that make it most difficult for TSA agents to come to work each day (that and most of them don’t earn enough to own a car).

“Everybody says airport security is a system built on fear,” TSA spokesperson Daniel Butts said, “But what they don’t say is that the biggest fears are those faced by the TSA agents themselves. To understand why, you just need to look at most people making their way through an airport terminal, picture them naked, and then imagine having to run your hand up the inside of their thighs. It’s not exactly a Ken and Barbie world out there.”

Considering the stress that results, it is a wonder, Butts said, that the TSA team holds up as well as they have. “Sure, there have been cases of verbal abuse, theft, drug trafficking, and dealing in child pornography, but at least nobody’s gone postal.”