Tag: featured

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First class passengers surprised to learn people are unhappy with flying

A new study published this week by The Entitled Flyer magazine finds that first class passengers are largely unaware that people in coach class are unhappy with flying, and are only dimly aware that people in coach class exist at all.

The study showed that when asked how many seats a Boeing 757 had most first-class respondents answered 12, and when asked to describe the difference between coach class and premium coach class 87 percent said they could not because they were unfamiliar with either term. Nor could they tell a coach class passenger from an airline’s ground crew, except that they thought one group, they weren’t sure which, might wear uniforms.

“I always assumed those people passing through the cabin were there to service the aircraft,” said frequent first class passenger Bob Payne, CEO of a company that manufactures a line of maid, butler, and driver attire for Halloween wear.

Payne said he had heard rumblings about add-on fees for baggage, boarding priority, seat selection, and even meals, but had experienced none of them personally, and knew no one who had.

“Besides, if add-on fees were really a problem you could solve it simply by presenting your Executive Elite Status Card, or demanding to be booked on a different airline,” Payne said.

In other airline news, American Airlines has announced it is ready to move to the next step in its labor negotiations by offering pilot’s uniforms for rent to passengers, who will then be allowed to sit in the cockpit.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne occasionally flies first class, but only when his private jet is being serviced.

Richard Moross/Wikipedia photo

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Ritz-Carlton to offer 15% off for guests who make own beds

In recognition of the fact that even people who can afford to stay in luxury hotels like to save a few dollars when possible, the Ritz-Carlton brand announced today it is offering a 15% discount to guests at all of its hotels who are willing to make their own beds.

“Customer surveys have consistently shown that guests want to help out where they can, whether it be in the kitchen or behind the bellman’s desk, so we thought ‘Why not award them for their loyalty?” said company spokesman Bob Payne, who is himself currently a guest in a City View Suite at the Ritz-Carlton New York, Central Park.

While some industry observers suggest the discount might be overly generous, Payne says it is about compensating people commensurate with what they are worth.

“It’s simply a matter of fairness,” Payne said. “When Mick Jagger stays with us he is willing to get both sides of the top sheet an equal distance from the floor, and even place a chocolate on the pillow, but you can’t expect that level of pitching in without having something in it for him.”

In related news, the Four Seasons Scottsdale sent out a note to its guests today, asking if anyone wanted to go out to the airport to pick some people up.

Humor Travel Writer Bob Payne is a hospitality industry efficiency consultant and a board member emeritus of the Relais & Chateaux Hotel Group.

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No more abuse by the airlines, and other unrealistic resolutions for 2013

In recent years, airline passengers, more than most people, have found it necessary to make New Year’s resolutions. Here are a few that travel humor writer Bob Payne found it necssary to make for 2013, based on his behavior during 2012.

I will refuse to fly on any airline whose practices I consider abusive, unless the alternative is to go by train, bus, auto, or foot.

I will not complain if a child hits me in the ear with a stuffed animal. I will, however, return the stuffed animal with the head removed.

I will refrain from asking flight attendants if I can have a pillow, blanket, playing cards, junior pilot wings, or call button that works.  On certain occasions, though, I will ask for a flight attendant’s phone number. Those occasions will be if I’d like to know how they feel about being awakened in the middle of the night by somebody who tells them they have to put away all eclectonic devices.

If a late-arriving passenger crams his or her carry-on  in on top of mine, potentially damaging my laptop, I will not say anything. But after everyone is seated I will slip an alarm clock into the offending bag, set to go off ten minutes into the flight.

As I pass the cockpit door, I will not wave and say, “Hey, it’s me. From rehab.”

I will not pound on the lavatory door just because someone has been in there longer than I consider necessary. Instead I will calmly approach the nearest flight attendant and say,  “Do you smell smoke? Coming from the lavatory?”

I will not grouse about fees for talking to a live ticket agent, checking in at the airport, carrying on a bag, extra leg room,  or sitting closer to the front of the plane or with my family. But I will charge a $25 fee to get the beverage cart past my seat.

I will not secretly pull an assortment of  nuts and bolts out of my carry-on, show them to the annoying person sitting next to me,  and say, “I found these under your seat. I wonder if they’re important.”

I will not bring a roast turkey on board and then share it with only some of the other passengers in my vicinity. I will, however, give preference to those passengers who are sharing mashed potatoes and gravy.

I will not wear oversize cowboy hats on flights from Dallas-Fort Worth to Paris. This should be an easy resolution to keep because it is unlikey I will ever be on a flight from Dallas-Fort Worth to Paris

 

 

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Air passenger elbows growing smaller say evolutionary biologists

 

 

A report just published in the Journal of Evolutionary Appendages has found a direct correlation between the diminishing widths of coach class seats and shrinking elbows among coach class passengers.

“We haven’t tracked a finer example of evolutionary biology at work since the increase in finger dexterity following the introduction of free wi-fi,” said JEA editor Bob Payne.

The study also found that a result of the shrinkage has been a marked decrease in violence among passengers sharing arm rests.

“With not much of an elbow to poke, and the impossibility of making one’s self heard over small children, there’s not much for someone to do but sit there and be quiet,” Payne said.

Payne said the study projects that elbows will be able to shrink another 14 percent before the airlines begin looking for new ways to maximize the number of people a plane can carry.

“A promising development in that area is having appendages surgically removed before departure then reattached at destination, with the airline getting a percentage of the surgical procedures,” Payne said.

Payne said that while some non-scientists have been surprised by how quickly human elbows have adapted to new space restrictions, he said it is no more unusual than how fast the human tongue has hardened as a result of the increasing number of opportunities to bite it, not only in travel, but in every facet of daily life.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne has been editing the Journal of Evolutionary Appendages since its inception.

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New coach class turndown service to revolutionize airline industry

The airline industry today announced a revolutionary new concept in flying – coach class turndown service.

The way the service works, according to industry spokesperson Bob Payne, is that any request made by a coach passenger will automatically be turned down.

“What the request is won’t matter – May I have the full can? Could somebody bolt my seat back to the floor? Could you tell me why the wing is on fire? – the answer will always be No,” Payne said.

The effect on the industry’s bottom line is expected to prove even more positive  than ancillary add-on fees have, and should give flight attendants more time to devote to higher-priority tasks, such as determining who among the cockpit crew is married.

“That will make it a win-win for everyone, except of course the coach passengers themselves.” Payne said.

Some critics have said that those coach passengers, denied access to basic information they need for a comfortable, comforting, and safe flying experience may decide not to fly at all.

To which Payne responded, “Are you somehow unaware of what they’ve been willing to put up with already?”

The fee for the turndown service, Payne said, will be $75.

 

Travel humor writer Bob Payne is the author of the  acclaimed psychological thriller, Fare of Flying.

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Man claims he extends arms, turns in circle, without touching walls of New York City hotel room

A British tourist visiting New York City has made the extraordinary claim that he was able to stand in the middle of his hotel room and turn in a complete circle without touching a single wall.

“I had to send my wife and son out into the hallway, and stand on the bed, but, yeah, I did it,” said a beaming Bob Payne, of Hamstarly, England, who said he and his family were in New York to watch the Chinese shop at Saks Fifth Avenue and Bloomingdale’s.

Payne said he’d tried a similar feat during his last visit to New York, in 2004, but it had resulted in him breaking his arm, “not to mention giving the porter who was delivering our bags to the room a black eye.”

A spokesman for New York City’s tourism bureau said that while rare, instances of hotel guests being able to stretch out their arms without touching a wall had been known to happen before.

“We even had a case reported at the Mansfield Hotel, in Midtown, but the girl making the claim turned out to have abnormally short arms,” the spokesman said.

When travel humor writer Bob Payne is not serving as editor-in-chief of BobCarriesOn.com, the website that has been providing accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock, he works part time as a bellman at the Mainsfield Hotel.

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