funny travel - BobCarriesOn

October 14, 2018February 3, 2020

World’s longest flight? “Experts” have it wrong.

Singapore Airlines supposedly set a record recently for operating the world’s longest flight. It’s listed as 18 hours and 45 minutes, or 9,521 miles, from Newark, New Jersey, to Singapore. But the “experts” who validated the record have it wrong.

Clearly, those “experts” lack an understanding of Einstein’s general and special theories of relativity, which establish that the length of an airline flight is dependent upon such variables as whether you are sitting next to a passenger who is clipping their toenails or how concerned the flight attendants seem to be that the main cabin is filling with smoke.

Based on that criteria it is easy to see that Newark to Singapore is not the world’s longest flight. Here are the real candidates:

Due to a malfunction in the aircraft’s in-flight entertainment system, all channels are showing only The Emoji Movie, on a continuous loop.

A passenger with whom you know you will have to do battle for the armrest has a tattoo on his bicep that says “Let’s settle this like adults.”

Soon after your flight reaches cruising altitude, a passenger one row up opens the overhead bin and removes from his carry-on what appears to be a chain saw.

An onboard protest group calling itself “Occupy Aisle Seats” refuses to let anyone get up to use the lavatories until first class passengers acknowledge the inequality of service between themselves and basic economy.

The constant wailing of an inconsolable baby is only slightly blocked out by the sound of its parents’ snoring.

The cockpit crew accidentally leaves the PA system activated, allowing passengers to hear every verse of “99 Bottles of Beer.”

Flight attendants are half way through the meal service when they realize everyone who asked for the chicken has fallen face first into their tray table.

Your flight is forced to make an emergency landing after somebody’s emotional support animal eats somebody else’s.

The pilot announces that if passengers sitting on the left side of the aircraft look out the window they can watch an engine fall into the sea.

After other passengers use physical force to restrain him, a still-struggling man claims all he said was “I’ve got a mom.”

May 29, 2018September 19, 2022

The Bob Carries On “Not List” of Negatively Notable Hotels

After another year of vigorously evaluating the world’s most negatively notable hotels, based on comments that guests have posted at other websites, Bob Carries On has come up with its annual “Not List”. And once again, for the twenty-seventh consecutive year, the top-ranked property is Barstow California’s Jilton Beach Resort.

There were some close contenders this time: Holiday’s End Orlando, whose new concierge wing was swallowed by a sinkhole. The Scottsdale Marry Knot, whose general manager was sentenced to 15 years in prison for attempting to keep his destination wedding numbers up by offering his Guest Relations Director as a prospective bride. The Shackles Resort Bermuda, where it is yet to be determined if the eerie moaning coming from some of the garden-view rooms really is the ghosts of previous guests who are still complaining about the resort fee.

As in the past, though, what tilted our “Not List” judges in the Jilton Beach’s favor is that there continues to be no ice machine, no cleaning staff, and no beach.

As for the negative Jilton Beach comments themselves, here are our “Not List” favorites:

Men and women in uniform are a common site, sometimes taking advantage of the first-responder rate, but more often making an arrest.

Any hotel can have a stale odor, especially if there is no cleaning staff. But is the $27 air freshener in the Mini Bar just a coincidence?

You can appreciate them trying to keep their overhead low, but not by re-wrapping half-consumed bars of soap.

The free Wi-Fi in the lobby seems like a nice amenity until you realize its primary purpose is to provide additional income for hotel staff, who routinely steal passwords from the unsecured network.

For active guests, a diving board is the focal point of the resort’s pool, especially because more than a dozen divers have launched themselves from the board over the past year, never to resurface.

The place prides itself on being able to offer any concierge service a guest might request. There is a charge for this, by the hour. Towel rentals are extra.

No hot breakfast is served, although one look at the kitchen will convince you that this is a good thing.

Yes, it is pet friendly, especially if your pets like to amuse themselves by torturing mice.

It has long been known for its Rooms With a View. The views, however, are looking inward, at the rooms’ beds, which, because of a lack of curtains, are visible to all passing by on their way to the (non-existent) ice machine.

April 18, 2016

Most expensive way to travel across America?

A study recently conducted by BobCarriesOn.com, a website that has been sharing accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock, has concluded that the most expensive way to travel across America is on foot.

According to figures from BobCarriesOn, the average total expense for an economy-class cross-country flight, which takes six hours, is $451, or $.15 per mile, while a cross-country walker, taking 46 days, would spend a minimum of $6,440, or $2.15 per mile.

“What the study clearly shows,” says Bob Payne, chief analyst for BobCarriesOn.com, “is that for coast to coast travel across America only the wealthy can afford to walk.”

Figures used in the study are based on a per diem or daily allowance rate set by the U.S. General Services Administration (GSA) to determine how much a person would be expected to spend when traveling. According to the GSA, a day away from home averages $89 for lodging and $51 for meals, or a total for the day of $140, although there is some variation to account for days in more expensive cities, or jail.

Another finding of the study, Payne said, is that if your goal is to travel across America coast to coast for the least money possible, taking the bus is your best alternative. Cost for the three-day journey is about $361 for the fare and other expenses, or $.12 per mile, although that does not count the likely possibility of being mugged on your way to or from the bus station, which will almost invariably be in the worst part of town.

“When traveling coast to coast across America, the only time you are more likely to be assaulted than you are near a bus station is going through security at an airport,” Payne said.

What it costs to travel across America coast to coast

Bus* 3 days $361 $ .14/mile

Train ** 3 days $441 $ .17/mile

Bicycle 8 days $1,120 $ .44/mile

Auto *** 60 hrs $1,880 $ .73/mile

Afoot 46 days $6,440 $ 2.51/mile

*Assumes sleeping on bus, but with one eye open.

**Assumes sleeping on train, but not, unless things go unexpectedly well, in sleeping car.

***Includes GSA mileage allowance of .58/mile; legal speed limit, mostly.

April 9, 2015April 14, 2015

Top six reasons to travel with the dead

If you hope to learn anything about the world, going solo is by far the best way to travel. But if you must travel with others, I recommend the dead. An incontrovertible fact is that when they travel the dead seldom:

Argue about the hour of departure.

Insist on a window seat

Pout if a restaurant is not of their choosing

Wear board shorts when visiting sacred shrines

Use a calculator app to split the check

Take selfies

Among the dead, writers are favorite traveling companions. Their words are already out there, allowing you to decide in advance if their sensibilities are compatible with your own. But their corporeal selves usually remain conveniently entombed, making them not overly concerned about such issues as who gets the room with the view.

For a ramble through France, for example, Robert Louis Stevenson makes an excellent traveling companion. His Travels With a Donkey in the Cevennes, the story of a 12-day walk through southern France in 1878, is largely about the shortcomings of traveling in company. Although in his case the company is his donkey, Modestine, who, frustratingly for Stevenson, is in no more of a hurry to reach their destination than Odysseus had been to reach Ithaca.

The irony is that despite the abuse Stevenson heaps on Modestine for not being focused enough on their goal, Travels With a Donkey contains the declaration that almost more than any other has been used to define the essence of travel:

“For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.”

For journeys through the Arab World, there may be no better traveling companion than Freya Stark, although she usually went alone. A constant traveler and prolific writer, her words, even more than Stevenson’s, make you want to walk out the door:

“Surely, of all the wonders of the world, the horizon is the greatest.”

“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the most pleasant sensations in the world.”

“I have no reason to go, except that I have never been, and knowledge is better than ignorance. What better reason could there be for travelling?”

To really understand Stark, though, the kind of traveler she was, the kind of journeys she would want to take you on, it is necessary only to read these few lines from The Valleys of the Assassins, published in 1936:

“. . . the country seemed to be thick with relatives of people he had killed, and this was a serious drawback to his usefulness as a guide. . .”

A guide to a far stranger land, and possibly someone you should not travel with alive or dead, would be Hunter S. Thompson, whose Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas might or might not serve as a traveling companion for a journey of your own. This one little scene should be enough to help you decide:

“There’s a big … machine in the sky, … some kind of electric snake … coming straight at us.”

“Shoot it,” said my attorney.

“Not yet,” I said. “I want to study its habits.”

If you should find yourself traveling with Thompson the most important thing to remember is:

Don’t post selfies.

December 6, 2012

Who is funny in travel, not counting the TSA?

What’s so funny about travel? That’s what we want you to tell us. Who do you follow online, even if it’s just yourself, whose tweets, posts, and blogs about travel are funny and insightful, and, we would hope, at least occasionally prompt readers to consider legal action?

Send their names to Bob Payne’s travel humor website BobCarriesOn.com, and, if you’ve got it handy, a link to an example of what they’ve done that makes you laugh. Based on your suggestions, we will put together a list of nominations for 2013 top ten creators of funniest travel tweets, posts, and blogs, and let the world vote.

Winners will be announced in January and recognized on BobCarriesOn.com with an example of their humor and a link that will lead you to more.

If the response is great enough, we’ll continue the recognition with a weekly favorite. So make us laugh by leaving your suggestions in a comment here, or leave a message at Facebook, Google+, or Twitter.

BigStock photo.