Tag: News

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Longest flights ranked by who sits next to you

Hipster man seat mate on longest flights

 

Airlines, for reasons most people find incomprehensible, like to boast of record-setting non-stop flights, ranked by hours in the air. The longest flights are currently claimed to be around 17 hours, although as every passenger knows, the real duration of a flight is determined by who sits next to you. The very longest flights include those on which your seatmate is:

Positive you said you would shut the oven off.

Struggling with issues of bladder control.

Louder than an accompanying child.

Returning from a wedding, with photos.

Demonstrably capable of reciting pi to 3,764 places.

Attempting to assemble an unidentifiable electronic device.

Recently retired, from sumo wrestling.

Watching an X-rated movie, you’ve already seen.

Shackled, but not gagged.

Dead.

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5 coolest places in America: The Lawsuit

coolest places in America

We learned today that BobCarriesOn.com is facing a lawsuit by an irate reader who blames us for the severe frostbite he suffered while visiting, allegedly at our recommendation, one of the places featured in a story we recently ran, “The 5 coolest places in America.”

The reader maintains the story should have warned that in none of the places were open-toed sandals appropriate winter footwear. We maintain that he, like far too many Internet users, must have read no further than the headline.

If you missed the story, below are the places we mentioned. Before making plans to visit any of them, please read the descriptions carefully.

Prospect Creek Camp, Alaska

A work settlement during the construction of the Alaska Pipeline, the now abandoned Prospect Creek Camp holds the record for the lowest temperature ever recorded in the United States: -80 degrees F, on January 21, 1971. Tourist attractions include the pipeline’s Pump Station 5, two still-fluttering airstrip windsocks, and what is believed to be one of the largest collections of pre-Internet pornography ever assembled.

Rogers Pass, Montana

Located in a remote wilderness area on the Continental Divide, Rogers Pass holds the record for the coldest temperature ever recorded in the lower 48 states: -70 degrees F, on January 20, 1954. Tourist attractions include one of the largest remaining concentrations of grizzly bears in the lower 48, and various garments belonging to previous visitors who attempted to outrun them.

Peter Sinks, Utah

A basin-shaped natural depression allegedly named for a man who would have done well to look elsewhere for a homestead site, Peter Sinks holds the record for the coldest temperature ever recorded in Utah: -69.3 degrees F, on February 1, 1985. Tourist attractions include various locations where it is speculated the would-be homesteader may have succumbed to the elements during his first and only winter at the Sinks.

Riverside Ranger Station, Montana

Pay attention here, because the town of Riverside, Wyoming, is sometimes listed as holding the record for the coldest temperature every recorded in Wyoming: -66 degrees F, on February 9, 1933. But according to the weather website wunderground.com, that temperature was actually recorded at the now non-existent Riverside Ranger Station, which in 1933 was located where the town of West Yellowstone, Montana, now stands. Tourist attractions in the Wyoming town, which has a population of 53, include anybody who can give directions to West Yellowstone, a gateway to Yellowstone National Park, eight hours away.

Maybell, Colorado

Vail and Steamboat may have their après ski scenes, but the coolest place in Colorado is Maybell, population 72, which is home to the lowest temperature ever recorded in the state: −61 degrees F, on February 1, 1985. Tourist attractions include the restaurant, the gas station, the general store, and, during the spring, a depth of horse poop today found in few other American communities.

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Unsettling speculation about giant rubber ducks

giant yellow duck

 

The appearance of an increasing number of giant yellow rubber ducks at seaports around the world is raising concern that the seemingly harmless inflatable creations may in fact be aquatic Trojan Horses.

“If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, but is six stories high, then it is probably up to no good,” said university researcher Bob Payne, who has been pursuing quack theories since the early 1990’s, when a ship dumped 28,000 rubber ducks and other bathtub toys into the North Pacific.

At the time, the massive release of so many rubber ducks was labeled an accident. (For details, read Moby-Duck, by Donovan Hohn.) But Payne says he began to suspect otherwise when giant versions of the yellow bath toys started to appear at ports worldwide, from Hong Kong to Los Angeles to Sao Palo to Sydney.

“It’s clear somebody or something is using the ducks to get past security in the same way the Greeks once used a wooden horse and now employ salads,” said Payne.

Although the Chinese, who lead the world in the development of quack technology, would seem the likely culprits, Payne said he believes the invasive tactics might represent something much more sinister.

“My guess is giant space aliens, bright-yellow, with orange-beaks, looking for a water planet where no one seems to be in charge,” Payne said.

What they are smuggling in, he said, are tens of thousands of tiny clones of themselves.

“And if you need proof of how successful they have been, just check out the rubber duck 12-pack on sale at Walmart.”

Big Stock Photo

 

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Airlines mull adding duct tape to amenities kits

A recent incident involving an unruly man who was duct taped to his seat by fellow air passengers has rekindled the ongoing argument over whether airlines should include duct tape in business and first class amenities kits.

“Considering the many other uses passengers already find for duct tape on board, offering it in the kits is clearly a cost-efficient means of getting our most valuable customers to stick with us,” said Bob Payne, chairman of the Airline Industry Duct Tape Advisory Panel.

Payne said duct tape has long been known for its usefulness in substituting for belts and other accessories passengers may have forgotten at security, taping infants to the bulkheads during takeoff and landing, and repairing cracks in wings and tail sections.

“When a wing comes loose, we all know from experience that there’s nothing you’d rather have in your hand, with the possible exception of a parachute rip cord, than a fresh roll of duct tape,” Payne said.

Security officials note that this latest application is especially welcome because the opportunity for group response has allowed passengers to go from fearing there might be someone on board who needs to be subdued to looking forward to it.

Critics argue, though, that having quantities of duct tape freely available can lead to the kind of abuse that happens all too often when, for instance, a passenger tapes shut the mouth of an adult or child  seat mate simply because of differing political views. It’s the kind of thing, they say, that can make the dispensing of the amenities kits a constitutional issue.

There is also the question of offering a safety enhancement that is not equally accessible to all on board. Industry observers, however,  see that as a relatively minor issue, and one readily addressed by making the tape available to coach passengers for $25 for the first roll and $35 for each additional roll.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne recently used duct tape to re-attach the tail to his neighbor’s cat.

 

Bigstock photo.

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Somebody went to the Vatican and all I got was this lousy papal dispensation

With a recession-pinched Vatican City short of ready cash and looking for ways to get tourists to contribute directly to the restoration of the famed Bernini colonnade surrounding St. Peter’s Square, it was only a matter of time before someone thought of t-shirts.

“We were already selling commemorative stamps, but hardly anyone uses stamps anymore, so we decided to try something our target audience would find more practical and could have a little fun with,” said Monsignor Bob Payne, who heads up all fundraising efforts for the Catholic Church that the Pope would rather not know about.

Payne said that after Rome saw how successful t-shirts were in the promotion of the Hard Rock Cafe brand, they thought they’d be a natural for the Vatican, especially because the church’s prohibition against bare shoulders in St. Peter’s Basilica means that visitors are always open to the idea of purchasing a cover-up, and are in no position to haggle over price.

Sales so far have been brisk, the monsignor said, with some of the best-selling ecclesiastically-inspired messages including these:

I rode the Papal bull.

What do you think of these eggs, Benedict?

Who are all these kids, and why do they keep calling me father?

Women should have the right to choose, the Pope.

It’s funnier in Latin.

Pray for beer.

Chastity, poverty, obedience? Where’s the train station?

The Catholic church is cautiously optimistic about the fund-raising potential of the t-shirt program, but wants to move carefully, Payne said.

“You may remember how well our “Wash away your sins with Pope-On-A-Rope” campaign started out and what a disaster that proved,” Payne said.

Although still available commercially, the figure of the Pope molded into a bar of soap that hangs from a string in the bathroom turned out to produce an extremely litigious reaction among people who were uncomfortable with the image of themselves sharing a shower with a cleric.

“We are still in the courts over that one,” Payne said.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne serves as a monsignor at the Vatican on weekends.

Bigstock photo.

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As Iceland mulls name change, other nations dream of following suit

 

Perhaps they are concerned that their island nation has an overly icy image. Or perhaps they have a lot of time on their hands, especially through the long northern winters. But an Icelandic tourism agency is soliciting new names for the country that apparently remains a thousand years miffed that their original search software did not come up with Greenland.

You can see some of the names — Geyserland, Niceland, Financial Insolvency Land — on the agency’s Inspired by Iceland website, although agency spokesman Bob Payne said that due to a technical problem one of the leading candidates, OMGWTFLAND, which is believed to come from the ancient Icelandic language, did not appear.

“The computers had some trouble translating it, although the consensus seems to be that it means, “Man’s Best Friend On A First Date Is A Hot Spring Land,” said Payne.

Payne said that suggestions for new names have been coming in from all over the world, and that a surprising number of people wanted to know how they could do the same for their country.

“The prime minister of Canada has called twice,” Payne said.

According to e-mail tallies, about half a dozen countries seemed the most keen on a name change. They included:

Bosnia & Herzegovina

Although often remembered for the bloody civil war that followed the breakup of Yugoslavia in 1992, Bosnia & Herzegovina has a mountain landscape and a deep-rooted culture that draw many admiring visitors. Tourism developers would like to take advantage of that, perhaps using a theme-park model that might be reflected in the current favorite choice for a new name: Disney & Herzegovina

Chad

Among the world’s poorest and most corrupt nations, the Republic of Chad, with neighbors like Libya and Sudan and coups happening only slightly less frequently than soccer games, is about as lawless as a country can be and still have a nominally functioning government. President Idriss Derby, who e-mailed Iceland’s Bob Payne so often that a spam-filter had to be set up to block him, would like, though, to bring some order to things, and believes a good way to begin would be a name change putting miscreants on notice that they would no longer be tolerated in: Hanging Chad.

Andorra

As one of the smallest of European nations, necessitating such a miniaturization of everything that tourists naturally say, “Awe, how cute,” the financially savvy business interests of Andorra see no reason not to profit from that by changing their country’s name to Andorrable.

Turkey

Many countries around the world feel they have been shackled with a two-name label — Bosnia & Herzegovina, St. Kitts & Nevis, Antigua & Barbuda, Sao Tome & Principe, Great Britain. But Turkey, long having to go it alone against any number of outside adversaries, chief among them the troublemakers who so aggressively insist that a shot-size cup, filled with a dark sludge of grounds and topped with a dozen or so spoons of sugar, is not Turkish coffee but Greek coffee, feels differently. For centuries, they have dreamed of a name that requires an ampersand. Which is why to a nation who sees themselves as having a much more sophisticated palate than their Aegean neighbor, the popular choice is Turkey & Cheese.

The Congo

Another troubled African nation, The Republic of The Congo would especially welcome a name change, not only to help differentiate it from its neighbor, The Democratic Republic of the Congo, but to let potential visitors know that it is a nation of people who despite past violence do like to party. That’s why they think that even though the spelling is a slight variant of the original Cuban, the perfect choice for them would be The Congo Line.

Canada

Forget about blending their vowel sounds, or sewing Canadian flags to their backpacks, or saying sorry during just about any interaction that doesn’t involve hockey. What do these neighbors to the north of the U.S. really wish the name of their nation to be? The United States. Eh?

When he is not working on marketing campaigns for Iceland,  which have won awards for their lukewarmness, humor travel writer Bob Payne is the editor in chief of BobCarriesOn.com.

 

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