travel advice - BobCarriesOn

October 24, 2022October 24, 2022

Travelers Once Again Face Possibility of Really Great Walls

Humpty Dumpty sitting on really great wall. — John Tenniel illustration

With the approach of the 2024 presidential elections, really great walls may once again take on an increasing role in the plans of many people traveling to and from the U.S. But as the examples below illustrate, really great walls have long been a part of the travel experience.

The Really Great Wall of China

Stretching for some 5,500 miles, the remains of the Really Great Wall of China is an early example of how a massive barrier, many feet thick and even more high, is about as effective at keeping people on one side or the other as a stern lecture from a vice-principal is at keeping high school boys from spiking the punch at a homecoming dance.

The problem is that even at its staunchest, the Really Great Wall of China had some 1,387 miles of gaps so porous that they are believed to have been responsible for the enormous success of Chinese takeout. No doubt the gaps were responsible, too, for the rise of such popular ice cream flavors as “Mongol Madness.”

The Really Great Wall of China was most successful as a massive infrastructure project. At its height, wall construction put millions of Chinese to work, whether they wished to be or not. Cost overruns were a problem though, largely because developers had not yet mastered working with such building materials as concrete and the excrement of bulls.

Today, the most visited part of the wall, because of its easy access to Beijing, is the Badaling section. According to many online reviews, though, after fighting the crowds and hassling with taxi drivers, visitors often come away feeling that it ought to be called the Just Ok Wall of China.

The Really Great Berlin Wall

From 1961 through 1989 the story surrounding the Great Berlin Wall was, according to leaders of the East German government, the biggest example of fake news ever reported.

With photos to back up their claim, East German leaders insisted that the Really Great Berlin Wall had in no way been a barrier to keep East Berlin citizens from escaping to the West. Instead, they said, the 27-mile long, 11.8-foot high concrete structure had been a really great example — probably one of the greatest examples ever – of government support of the arts.

The extent to which the Berlin government was willing to encourage artistic expression was made evident, officials said, by the 20 bunkers, 302 guard towers, and uncounted other measures erected to safeguard the artists against interference by fascist and other anti-socialist Western elements.

The Really Great Berlin Wall was demolished in 1990. But commemorative pieces are still for sale. In fact, some 3.6 tons of the original 2.5 tons of concrete used in the construction can currently be purchased on e-Bay.

Humpty Dumpty Really great wall — John Tenniel Illustration

Humpty Dumpty’s Really Great Wall

Although parts of Humpty Dumpty’s Really Great Wall may still exist, the inspiration for the classic English nursery rhyme is a matter of dispute.

In Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There, Humpty is depicted as an egg. Or — a reader could infer — someone with an ego as fragile as an egg.

In other interpretations, the clearly wobbly character has been a stand-in for any number of kings and other powerful public figures who, because of their overreach, end up taking such a great fall that not even all their horses and all their political advisors can put them together again.

There’s even an interpretation that holds wide sway, especially among pro-growth supporters, that Humpty Dumpty was a cannon that sat atop the wall surrounding the town of Colchester, England, during the English Civil War of 1642-51. Part of the wall still exists, but the story is that return fire from opposing forces so undermined its structural integrity that without sufficient infrastructure funding most of it eventually came tumbling down.

Really Great Wall Street occupy — BigStock/Chris Cintron Photo

The Really Great Wall Street

Among Americans who don’t get their news from traditional outlets, Wall Street is perhaps best known for its history of standing up to occupiers and other foreigners.

What many people don’t know, however, is that Wall Street is actually named after a really great wall, one built to keep out pirates, Native Americans, non-European Union members, and, according to some sources, radical Islamic terrorists.

The original wall was a wooden palisade built at the south end of Manhattan by the Dutch in the 1600s. Fortunately for much of America’s current population, it did not serve as a barrier for immigrants of British stock, who were able to get visa waivers.

Really Great Wall Mart parking lot view. — Wiki.southark.cc.com Illustration

The Really Great Wall-Mart

Wall-Mart is a really great American-owned retail store featured in an episode of the public affairs program South Park. The episode looks at what could happen in America if addiction treatment is not part of basic health care coverage.

The premise of the episode is that almost everyone in a futuristic version of South Park is so addicted to Wall-Mart’s bargain prices that they stop shopping at other South Park businesses, and the town falls into ruins. It becomes such an untenable place to live that a growing number of people dream of finding a better life to the north, if they can only make it beyond the newly constructed Great Wall of Canada.

Travel humor writer Bob Payne has a piece of the Berlin Wall that he will sell for the right price.

July 16, 2021July 16, 2021

7 things every visitor needs to know about Florida

Miami is so welcoming to out of state visitors that many stores post signs reading “Nosotros hablamos ingles.”

Because Florida was underwater during the Mesozoic era, the state’s only evidence of dinosaurs are the fossils most commonly found on weekday afternoons at Hooters restaurants.

South Florida may have the Everglades and Central Florida may have Disney World and the Kennedy Space Center. But only West Florida has the Flora-Bama Mullet Toss, an annual event in which contestants see how far they can throw a dead fish across the state line into Alabama.

Florida is so culturally and religiously tolerant that visiting Amish and Mennonite worshipers share, at the Sarasota community of Pinecraft, the same beach resort.

The Florida manatee, from which the legend of the mermaid arose, is still sometimes used to determine if a sailor has been too long at sea.

Florida’s Stand Your Ground law is not meant to be used while waiting in line at a take-out restaurant that offers fried alligator.

Some experts believe it is possible, depending on what happens with climate change, that by 2050 Florida could be covered entirely in golf courses.

BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne saw his first Florida manatee at a very vulnerable time in his life.

February 3, 2020September 19, 2022

7 things every visitor needs to know about New York City

More than 800 languages are spoken in New York City, most of them only by taxi drivers.

If you don’t want people to think you are a tourist, don’t wait for the Walk sign.

New York City is home to 600,000 dogs, most serving the sole purpose of providing a conversation starter for desperate singles walking in Central Park.

When New Yorkers speak of “Our men in uniform,” they are referring to doormen.

If a New York City pedestrian makes eye contact, they are about to snatch your sunglasses.

Many of the places your guidebook will direct you to are now a Duane Reade drugstore.

If someone attempts to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge, it is acceptable to start negotiating at half the asking price.

While driving in New York City, BobCarriesOn Humor Editor Bob Payne has never intentionally run over a bicycle messenger.

October 25, 2018September 19, 2022

Overcrowded tourist attractions, unlikely solutions

As tourism continues to grow worldwide, overcrowded tourist attractions becomes an ever-increasing problem. An ever-increasing solution is to suggest alternative attractions, although seldom as unlikely as the ones we have named here.

Overcrowded: Taj Mahal, Agra, India

Alternative: Taj Auto Mall, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

Granted, the Taj Mahal is one of the world’s architectural wonders. But it has become so crowded that visits are officially limited to three hours. At the Taj Auto Mall, on the other hand, you can take all the time you want to look over their inventory of more than 800 used cars. With bad credit or even no credit, financing is as low as 1.9%. And, according to the new management, if you are not happy with your purchase there’s a three-day exchange policy.

Overcrowded: Niagara Falls, New York

Alternative: Viagra Falls, Red Rock Canyon, Nevada

With more than eight million visitors a year at Niagara Falls, lines are often so long to get aboard the attraction’s 600-passenger excursion boat, Maid of the Mist, that visitors who give up in frustration might well call it Maid of the Missed. There are seldom lines to worry about, however, at Viagra Falls, a mountain climbing route at an area known as Panty Wall, in Southern Nevada’s Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area. Despite the route’s somewhat titillating name — for those whose minds are so disposed — few climbers call it particularly hard.

Overcrowded: Eiffel Tower, Paris, France

Alternative: Eiffel Tower Park, Paris, Tennessee

The Eiffel Tower is one of the most recognized and overcrowded tourist attractions in the world. To avoid the crowds, though, and the steep ticket prices, it’s possible to visit replicas in cities all around the world. Few cities, however, have as much justification for creating their own version of the Iron Lady as Paris, Tennessee, whose Eiffel Tower Park contains a 60-foot model of the 1,063-foot icon. And not even the original Paris can claim, as the Tennessee town can, to also be home to the World’s Biggest Fish Fry, held every year in April since 1953.

Overcrowded: Leaning Tower of Pisa, Italy

Alternative: Leaning Tower of Pizza, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Why is Italy’s Leaning Tower of Pisa one of the world’s most overcrowded tourist attractions? Because who doesn’t enjoy somebody else’s goof-up on such a grand scale? Especially since the builders already knew, even before construction was completed in the mid-1300’s, that the whole thing was going to tilt. But you know how working with subcontractors can be. By comparison, the Leaning Tower of Pizza, in Minneapolis, has been standing upright since 1952. Still, it gets its crowds, in part because of a pizza menu that ranges from Buffalo Chicken to Italian Stallion. And in part, no doubt, because it has two Happy Hours.

Overcrowded: Great Wall of China

Alternative: Great Wall of Clarksville, Virginia

Counting its many, often unconnected, sections, the Great Wall of China is more than 13,000 miles long. But the section most tourist see is not far north of Beijing, where the crowds can be so thick that to walk any length of it is largely an experience of trying to avoid arms and elbows. But at the Great Wall of Clarksville, a Chinese restaurant in Clarksville, Virginia, unless you arrive at the height of the lunch buffet, which has proven so popular they are now serving it seven days a week, you can usually walk right in and have no trouble finding a table.

Overcrowded: Great Pyramids of Egypt

Alternative: Bass Pro Shops at the Pyramid, Memphis, Tennessee

The modern world has so encroached on the Great Pyramids of Egypt that within steps of them you can find a golf course and an always-crowded Pizza Hut. So why go all the way to Egypt to see great pyramids when downtown Memphis, Tennessee, is home to Bass Pro Shops at the Pyramid, a destination shopping experience housed in the world’s tenth-tallest pyramid? For those hoping to find treasures within the pyramids, the Memphis Pyramid is also home to the Beretta Fine Gun Center, a Ducks Unlimited Waterfowling Heritage Center,and Uncle Buck’s Fishbowl and Grill. And a claim not even the Great Pyramids of Egypt can make, a photo of it appears on Tennessee driver’s licenses.

Overcrowded: Acropolis, Athens, Greece

Alternative: Sigmone’s Acropolis Meats & Deli, Hudson, Florida

Imagine you are visiting the Acropolis in Athens. You’ve taken, along with the thousands of other people sharing the experience with you, the necessary selfies in front of the Parthenon, the Erechtheion, and the Temple of Athena Nike. But what you really want to see is a place where you can get something to eat. That’s far more easily done at Sigmone’s Acropolis Meats & Deli, on Florida’s Gulf Coast. Family run since 1975, Sigmone’s not only sells all types of meat in bulk but also offers to-go meals from $6.99.

Overcrowded: Stonehenge, United Kingdom

Alternative: Carhenge, Alliance, Nebraska

Despite so many people visiting England’s Stonehenge that timed tickets must now be purchased in advance, more and more are realizing that visually the ancient attraction is, after all, just an arrangement of big stones whose purpose continues to be debated. There’s no doubt, however, what Nebraska’s Carhenge is about. The thirty-nine spray-painted grey cars, some welded to form arches between others half buried in a circle, will make it clear to future historians that members of the civilization residing in America around the beginning of the third millennium were devout worshipers of the automobile.

Overcrowded: Statue of Liberty, New York

Alternative: Statue of Liberace, Las Vegas

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” is a good description of waiting in line to see the Statue of Liberty. About the only time the masses haven’t been out in full force during visiting hours recently was when police evacuated the island the iconic statue stands on while they negotiated with a woman who had climbed part way up the outside of the 305-foot structure and refused to come down. If you like to observe histrionics in a more serene setting, visit the Statue of Liberace, on display in the Viva Las Vegas room of the celebrity wax museum Madame Tussauds Las Vegas.

May 3, 2017July 25, 2017

Ten people travelers should never photograph

smiling Kim Jong-un travel photographers never photograph

breaking news-wiki.com photo

People have always been a favorite subject for travelers to photograph. Unlike with mountains, seascapes, and roads that fade into the distance, it is often possible to pay people to reposition themselves into a more natural pose. People shots do, however, often involve some kind of intrusion. So it is best to ask permission first, especially if there is a chance the subject may be armed. And there are some people, those below among them, who ethics and self preservation demand that you should not photograph at all.

Uniformed military or law enforcement officers in possession of a 65” or larger television that appears to be in its original packing.

The Pope, if he is playing Truth or Dare.

Any immediate family member of North Korea’s supreme leader Kim Jong-un who is strapped to the nose of a ballistic missile during an unsuccessful launch attempt.

Gang members actively involved in a drug exchange or drive-by shooting.

Anyone who acts unstable or somehow “off,” especially if they hold an elected office.

Couples exhibiting public displays of affection that involve a goat.

An airline pilot sitting in the cockpit, scanning the job listings on craigslist.

Homeless families who you recognize as the former owners of the condo next to yours in Aspen.

Other people’s children, unless the children are older than you are.

The Kardashians nude, until you have agreed on a price.

Humor travel writer Bob Payne is often asked by photo editors not to tell them if he owns a camera.

April 14, 2016April 14, 2016

A VISITOR’S GUIDE TO AMERICA

Visitor's guide America. Senior woman on scooter showing road rage

As a country, America is becoming more and more difficult for visitors to understand. Chaos. Crime. Violence. And that’s just among people running for public office. So here is a brief visitor’s guide to America that should prove helpful to anyone who wants to explore a bit of American history, do some shopping, or just get involved in road rage.

Who are the Americans?

Americans are a culturally confused people who have difficulty with the idea that anyone born in America is a Native American. Instead, they insist that the label applies only to people who complain about having sports teams named after them.

American History

From a legal standpoint, the dumping of tea into Boston Harbor is considered to have been one of the key events in American history, as it set a precedent for the argument that as long as patriotism is evoked, water pollution is acceptable.

Native American Customs

Americans are often delighted to invite strangers into their homes. When this happens, it is considered polite to make an offer. Be aware, however, that if an American invites you into a home he himself does not seem overly familiar with, it is not the custom for guests to help carry out computers, flat-screen TV’s, and other easily disposed of household items.

Getting Around in America

America’s Gross National Product is the automobile. The most popular form of transportation, the automobile is especially esteemed by citizens who recognize the advantages of drive-by shootings.

American Food and Drink

America has two forms of food and drink: For Here and To Go. To demonstrate a more sophisticated palate, it is necessary to voice, in a condescending tone, an understanding of the difference between Tall, Grande and Venti.

Shopping in America

The most sought-after item among shoppers in America is the bargain. When considering popular bargaining practices, many experts question if the discomfort of wearing a stocking mask is worth the additional discount to which it usually entitles the customer.

American Sports

The key to understanding the most popular sports in America, including American football, litigation, and road rage, is to know that much of the action takes place off the field, and sometimes involves guns.

The Arts in America

Most of the world agrees that America’s greatest cinematic achievement has been the car chase scene. They also agree that the violence often portrayed in chase scenes is a telling example of how little respect Americans actually have for their automobiles.

American Education

Looking toward the future, most visitors to America recognize that with the role seen for the U.S. in the new economy, education for American students will not need to be on par with that of students in Asia and Europe. So in that sense, American schools are thought to be performing admirably.

The American Legal System

American law is based on the concept that you are considered guilty until it is proven that someone else involved in the case has more money to go after than you do.

The Responsible Visitor to America

Among the items responsible visitors to the U.S. should not encourage the locals to sell are fur coats, historic landmarks, military secrets, and oil drilling rights in national parks.

Travel Humor Writer Bob Payne is a former member of the American Bar & Grill Association.