travel humor - BobCarriesOn

October 25, 2018September 19, 2022

Overcrowded tourist attractions, unlikely solutions

As tourism continues to grow worldwide, overcrowded tourist attractions becomes an ever-increasing problem. An ever-increasing solution is to suggest alternative attractions, although seldom as unlikely as the ones we have named here.

Overcrowded: Taj Mahal, Agra, India

Alternative: Taj Auto Mall, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

Granted, the Taj Mahal is one of the world’s architectural wonders. But it has become so crowded that visits are officially limited to three hours. At the Taj Auto Mall, on the other hand, you can take all the time you want to look over their inventory of more than 800 used cars. With bad credit or even no credit, financing is as low as 1.9%. And, according to the new management, if you are not happy with your purchase there’s a three-day exchange policy.

Overcrowded: Niagara Falls, New York

Alternative: Viagra Falls, Red Rock Canyon, Nevada

With more than eight million visitors a year at Niagara Falls, lines are often so long to get aboard the attraction’s 600-passenger excursion boat, Maid of the Mist, that visitors who give up in frustration might well call it Maid of the Missed. There are seldom lines to worry about, however, at Viagra Falls, a mountain climbing route at an area known as Panty Wall, in Southern Nevada’s Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area. Despite the route’s somewhat titillating name — for those whose minds are so disposed — few climbers call it particularly hard.

Overcrowded: Eiffel Tower, Paris, France

Alternative: Eiffel Tower Park, Paris, Tennessee

The Eiffel Tower is one of the most recognized and overcrowded tourist attractions in the world. To avoid the crowds, though, and the steep ticket prices, it’s possible to visit replicas in cities all around the world. Few cities, however, have as much justification for creating their own version of the Iron Lady as Paris, Tennessee, whose Eiffel Tower Park contains a 60-foot model of the 1,063-foot icon. And not even the original Paris can claim, as the Tennessee town can, to also be home to the World’s Biggest Fish Fry, held every year in April since 1953.

Overcrowded: Leaning Tower of Pisa, Italy

Alternative: Leaning Tower of Pizza, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Why is Italy’s Leaning Tower of Pisa one of the world’s most overcrowded tourist attractions? Because who doesn’t enjoy somebody else’s goof-up on such a grand scale? Especially since the builders already knew, even before construction was completed in the mid-1300’s, that the whole thing was going to tilt. But you know how working with subcontractors can be. By comparison, the Leaning Tower of Pizza, in Minneapolis, has been standing upright since 1952. Still, it gets its crowds, in part because of a pizza menu that ranges from Buffalo Chicken to Italian Stallion. And in part, no doubt, because it has two Happy Hours.

Overcrowded: Great Wall of China

Alternative: Great Wall of Clarksville, Virginia

Counting its many, often unconnected, sections, the Great Wall of China is more than 13,000 miles long. But the section most tourist see is not far north of Beijing, where the crowds can be so thick that to walk any length of it is largely an experience of trying to avoid arms and elbows. But at the Great Wall of Clarksville, a Chinese restaurant in Clarksville, Virginia, unless you arrive at the height of the lunch buffet, which has proven so popular they are now serving it seven days a week, you can usually walk right in and have no trouble finding a table.

Overcrowded: Great Pyramids of Egypt

Alternative: Bass Pro Shops at the Pyramid, Memphis, Tennessee

The modern world has so encroached on the Great Pyramids of Egypt that within steps of them you can find a golf course and an always-crowded Pizza Hut. So why go all the way to Egypt to see great pyramids when downtown Memphis, Tennessee, is home to Bass Pro Shops at the Pyramid, a destination shopping experience housed in the world’s tenth-tallest pyramid? For those hoping to find treasures within the pyramids, the Memphis Pyramid is also home to the Beretta Fine Gun Center, a Ducks Unlimited Waterfowling Heritage Center,and Uncle Buck’s Fishbowl and Grill. And a claim not even the Great Pyramids of Egypt can make, a photo of it appears on Tennessee driver’s licenses.

Overcrowded: Acropolis, Athens, Greece

Alternative: Sigmone’s Acropolis Meats & Deli, Hudson, Florida

Imagine you are visiting the Acropolis in Athens. You’ve taken, along with the thousands of other people sharing the experience with you, the necessary selfies in front of the Parthenon, the Erechtheion, and the Temple of Athena Nike. But what you really want to see is a place where you can get something to eat. That’s far more easily done at Sigmone’s Acropolis Meats & Deli, on Florida’s Gulf Coast. Family run since 1975, Sigmone’s not only sells all types of meat in bulk but also offers to-go meals from $6.99.

Overcrowded: Stonehenge, United Kingdom

Alternative: Carhenge, Alliance, Nebraska

Despite so many people visiting England’s Stonehenge that timed tickets must now be purchased in advance, more and more are realizing that visually the ancient attraction is, after all, just an arrangement of big stones whose purpose continues to be debated. There’s no doubt, however, what Nebraska’s Carhenge is about. The thirty-nine spray-painted grey cars, some welded to form arches between others half buried in a circle, will make it clear to future historians that members of the civilization residing in America around the beginning of the third millennium were devout worshipers of the automobile.

Overcrowded: Statue of Liberty, New York

Alternative: Statue of Liberace, Las Vegas

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” is a good description of waiting in line to see the Statue of Liberty. About the only time the masses haven’t been out in full force during visiting hours recently was when police evacuated the island the iconic statue stands on while they negotiated with a woman who had climbed part way up the outside of the 305-foot structure and refused to come down. If you like to observe histrionics in a more serene setting, visit the Statue of Liberace, on display in the Viva Las Vegas room of the celebrity wax museum Madame Tussauds Las Vegas.

October 14, 2018February 3, 2020

World’s longest flight? “Experts” have it wrong.

Singapore Airlines supposedly set a record recently for operating the world’s longest flight. It’s listed as 18 hours and 45 minutes, or 9,521 miles, from Newark, New Jersey, to Singapore. But the “experts” who validated the record have it wrong.

Clearly, those “experts” lack an understanding of Einstein’s general and special theories of relativity, which establish that the length of an airline flight is dependent upon such variables as whether you are sitting next to a passenger who is clipping their toenails or how concerned the flight attendants seem to be that the main cabin is filling with smoke.

Based on that criteria it is easy to see that Newark to Singapore is not the world’s longest flight. Here are the real candidates:

Due to a malfunction in the aircraft’s in-flight entertainment system, all channels are showing only The Emoji Movie, on a continuous loop.

A passenger with whom you know you will have to do battle for the armrest has a tattoo on his bicep that says “Let’s settle this like adults.”

Soon after your flight reaches cruising altitude, a passenger one row up opens the overhead bin and removes from his carry-on what appears to be a chain saw.

An onboard protest group calling itself “Occupy Aisle Seats” refuses to let anyone get up to use the lavatories until first class passengers acknowledge the inequality of service between themselves and basic economy.

The constant wailing of an inconsolable baby is only slightly blocked out by the sound of its parents’ snoring.

The cockpit crew accidentally leaves the PA system activated, allowing passengers to hear every verse of “99 Bottles of Beer.”

Flight attendants are half way through the meal service when they realize everyone who asked for the chicken has fallen face first into their tray table.

Your flight is forced to make an emergency landing after somebody’s emotional support animal eats somebody else’s.

The pilot announces that if passengers sitting on the left side of the aircraft look out the window they can watch an engine fall into the sea.

After other passengers use physical force to restrain him, a still-struggling man claims all he said was “I’ve got a mom.”

May 29, 2018September 19, 2022

The Bob Carries On “Not List” of Negatively Notable Hotels

After another year of vigorously evaluating the world’s most negatively notable hotels, based on comments that guests have posted at other websites, Bob Carries On has come up with its annual “Not List”. And once again, for the twenty-seventh consecutive year, the top-ranked property is Barstow California’s Jilton Beach Resort.

There were some close contenders this time: Holiday’s End Orlando, whose new concierge wing was swallowed by a sinkhole. The Scottsdale Marry Knot, whose general manager was sentenced to 15 years in prison for attempting to keep his destination wedding numbers up by offering his Guest Relations Director as a prospective bride. The Shackles Resort Bermuda, where it is yet to be determined if the eerie moaning coming from some of the garden-view rooms really is the ghosts of previous guests who are still complaining about the resort fee.

As in the past, though, what tilted our “Not List” judges in the Jilton Beach’s favor is that there continues to be no ice machine, no cleaning staff, and no beach.

As for the negative Jilton Beach comments themselves, here are our “Not List” favorites:

Men and women in uniform are a common site, sometimes taking advantage of the first-responder rate, but more often making an arrest.

Any hotel can have a stale odor, especially if there is no cleaning staff. But is the $27 air freshener in the Mini Bar just a coincidence?

You can appreciate them trying to keep their overhead low, but not by re-wrapping half-consumed bars of soap.

The free Wi-Fi in the lobby seems like a nice amenity until you realize its primary purpose is to provide additional income for hotel staff, who routinely steal passwords from the unsecured network.

For active guests, a diving board is the focal point of the resort’s pool, especially because more than a dozen divers have launched themselves from the board over the past year, never to resurface.

The place prides itself on being able to offer any concierge service a guest might request. There is a charge for this, by the hour. Towel rentals are extra.

No hot breakfast is served, although one look at the kitchen will convince you that this is a good thing.

Yes, it is pet friendly, especially if your pets like to amuse themselves by torturing mice.

It has long been known for its Rooms With a View. The views, however, are looking inward, at the rooms’ beds, which, because of a lack of curtains, are visible to all passing by on their way to the (non-existent) ice machine.

May 15, 2018September 19, 2022

Airline industry’s open-door policy halted after five more passengers go missing.

The airline industry’s attempt to improve customer relations by instituting a controversial new open-door policy suffered a major setback this week when five more passengers went missing from commercial flights, bringing the total for the month to 29.

“Although the evidence is not conclusive that the open-door policy was responsible for all the disappearances, out of an abundance of caution we are recommending that until further notice all doors be kept in their closed and locked positions while an aircraft is in flight,” said airline industry spokesperson Bob Payne.

According to Payne, the idea behind the open-door policy had been to make flying feel more natural and less claustrophobic. “It was meant to be a wind-in-your-hair experience, similar to driving around with the top down, except at 500 mph,” Payne said.

The airlines began to suspect something might be amiss when passengers starting reporting that seatmates were not returning from trips to the lavatory.

“At first it was assumed they might just have been sucked down the toilet,” Payne said. “But an inspection of the aircrafts’ waste tanks turned up nothing but a retired captain and two emotional support animals.”

Further evidence of the missing passengers whereabouts surfaced when customers sitting near the rear of the aircraft began noticing people passing by who were “waving in what appeared to be an unusually enthusiastic manner.”

Responding quickly to the financial consequences that could result from the ill-advised open door policy, airlines are taking steps to retroactively charge all missing passengers with an early-exit fee.

When not serving as an airline industry analyst, travel humor writer Bob Payne is the head of a company that manufacturers traveler’s umbrellas that can also function as a parachute.

April 24, 2018November 5, 2018

Airline stocks plunge as Greyhound hints at flying buses

Airline stocks plunged today following word that Greyhound Bus Lines may be expanding its operations to include an airline that would allow people to fly for considerably less than even the lowest current fares, while still expecting about the same level of cleanliness in the lavatories.

The 104-year-old inter-city transportation company, whose sleek canine logo was once so synonymous with long-distance travel that a Greyhound journey is still often known as Riding the Dog, is, according to rumor, basing its strategy on a new level of service known as Kennel Class.

“Apparently, the idea is to throw passengers a bone by offering them 10 % off everybody else’s lowest fare, then packing them in so tight that about the only thing they can do for entertainment is lick their private parts,” said airline industry analyst Bob Payne.

Of course cramming more passengers aboard is not exactly a new airline revenue model. It’s no doubt the reason many critics didn’t pay much attention to the Wright Brothers until they had a two-seater. But according to Payne some of Greyhound’s other, more creative, cost-saving measures are what have the airline industry so worried.

“Requiring flight crews to work for tips. Offering onboard meals only by takeout from Carl’s Jr. restaurants. Buying aviation fuel from Sam’s Club. These are the kinds of innovations the airlines may be kicking themselves about for not thinking of first,” Payne said.

Despite the stock dip, everything to this point is speculative, with no word at all coming from Greyhound, except to say that bus travel remains the greenest way to get around. However, Payne considers it significant that aircraft manufacturer Airbus seems to be busy at the drawing board with a new version of its A380, which is alleged to be identical to the current model, except that the tail wags.

When not serving as an airline industry analyst for some of America’s major bus companies, Bob Payne is the editor in chief atBobCarriesOn.com, the travel humor website that has been sharing accurate travel news and advice since before Columbus landed at Plymouth Rock.

SurClaro.com Photo

January 17, 2018November 5, 2018

The World’s Best Hotels That Let Me Stay for Free — Hacienda Del Sol — Tucson, AZ

Have you ever read a travel story and wondered if the author was getting a free room in exchange for writing such a glowing review? In my new series, “The World’s Best Hotels That Let Me Stay For Free,” you needn’t wonder any longer.

Each story is carefully crafted to reflect that no matter what the experience, I know which side my toast – which often accompanies the (hopefully) included breakfast — is buttered on.

The idea for the series came to me after I got an email from a lovely woman who does public relations for the Hacienda Del Sol, an historic jewel of a ranch-style luxury resort in the foothills north of Tucson, Arizona, which, according to Travel + Leisure magazine, is one of America’s most underrated cities.

“I was meandering through travel blogs as I often do,” the lovely woman said, “and found BobCarriesOn.com. Now I am recovering from a full-on case of giggles after reading about animals on airplanes [including members of certain college fraternities] and telling kids that there is no luggage heaven.

“If you are looking for an excursion close to home [I live in Scottsdale, AZ] but away from the ‘run of the mill,’ please let me know. I would love to have you check in and check out my client, the Hacienda Del Sol Guest Ranch Resort. Hopefully, you won’t find too much humorous about it.”

An award-winning member of the Historic Hotels of America, the 59-room property, on 34 secluded acres, has a Spanish Colonial style of architecture that gives it the feel of a traditional Mexican village, except that no one is trying to sell you Chiclets, Viagra, or plastic surgery.

Opening in 1929 as an exclusive boarding school, Hacienda Del Sol provided an excellent education for the daughter’s of some of America’s wealthiest families. How excellent is suggested by the school’s 1938 yearbook, in which it is noted that among the gifts graduating seniors left to their younger classmates were “A collection of lipsticks to Betty,” and “a raft of men to Jennnie.”

In 1944, the school was transformed into a guest ranch that proved popular with Hollywood celebrities, among them John Wayne, Clark Gable, Howard Hughes, Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. Nostalgia buffs can even stay in the same accommodation, the Casita Grande, whose privacy Hepburn and Tracy appreciated when they were hiding out from his wife.

After decades of neglect and disrepair, the Hacienda Del Sol was given a new life in 1995 when it reopened under the ownership and management of a local group of investors who have lovingly upgraded it to a luxury resort, most recently adding 32 rooms, some looking out on that most Southwestern of icons, a golf course.

Resort amenities include two pools (one with a mosaic on the bottom of a presumably drowned cowboy and his horse), a delightfully cozy spa, a riding stable, a fitness center, and a botanical garden, among which are scattered forty works of outdoor art. Ten of the works are by one of the property’s owners, who, it might be helpful to note, is by profession a realtor.

The Hacienda Del Sol’s two dining rooms and award-winning culinary team – along with the new 5,100 square foot Casa Luna Ballroom — make it an ideal venue for all types of events and celebrations, including wedding receptions, occasionally highlighted by having drinks packed in by donkey, which after a few prickly pear margaritas, won’t seem too humorous.

When BobCarriesOn Editor in Chief Bob Payne is not staying at a hotel for free he often pays for it.